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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Will I ever get over my parents choosing my brother over me?

164 replies

Bluesunflowering · 16/05/2024 13:38

Well that’s how it feels anyway.

I moved 10 years ago around 200 miles from my hometown for work reasons. I met my partner and around 4 years later I had my son.
My parents had always said they would move away from our hometown eventually, as it was becoming more built up in their words.

My brother and now wife moved to a new area which is about 125 miles from us during lockdown.

My parents then decided in 2022 that they were going to move closer to my brother, after visiting them there. We’re talking about 15 mins drive away.
I feel like I’ve been abandoned , I know it’s pathetic as an adult, but it feels like a huge rejection to me.
They are always spending time together, going round to each other’s house for dinner, going out for coffee, BBQs, helping each other with DIY projects and so on.

My partner’s parents live near us, but it’s not the same as having mine nearby.

My brother and his wife are due a baby in the summer and I know my parents will have more of a relationship with him/her than with my DS, and it hurts.
I thought about moving closer to them all, but my DP doesn’t want to move away and he has his job here. I’m only working part time/freelancing , so not a huge issue for me, but he’s in his ideal job here. Plus his parents are here too.

I’m starting to see a therapist about all this as it’s making me feel so sad and depressed. It’s also making me re-consider all my past decisions and choices.

OP posts:
NosyJosie · 16/05/2024 14:21

needsomeadvice22 · 16/05/2024 14:13

You moved first? Imagine how they felt when you moved 200 miles away..

They hopefully felt proud and excited for her becoming an adult and pursuing her own dreams and goals and didn’t whinge about abandoning them.

Rosebel · 16/05/2024 14:23

I understand. My parents were living in France for 6 months of the year. They kept doing this after my DDs were born.
As soon as my sister had a baby they sold the house and moved to England permanently. As if that didn't hurt enough they then provided 4 days of childcare a week (much my mum's furry as she didn't actually want to do 4 days of childcare ) until she left primary school.
I'm obviously still angry but my parents still think sister is wonderful because now she helps out as they're getting older ( I help too but whatever I say and do isn't good enough).
Therapy sounds like a good idea. 125 miles isn't a massive distance, unless you or parents live in a very rural area, can you not meet up regularly? Facetime? Not the same, but at least you'd still be able to chat to them.

Ohiwish12 · 16/05/2024 14:24

The thing is you moving 200 miles away may have made them realise how far that is. Not just in terms of visiting your brother but also being around other family/friends. But being 85 miles away from their original base is much more manageable in terns if staying in contact with other people from their home area. It might not be about your brother but rather taking into account everything.

Coconutter24 · 16/05/2024 14:25

YABU. You moved 200 miles away from your parents. I wouldn’t look at it as they chose your brother over you but rather the location. Maybe it suits them better or they just prefer it.

LookAtAllThoseRoses · 16/05/2024 14:25

NosyJosie · 16/05/2024 14:21

They hopefully felt proud and excited for her becoming an adult and pursuing her own dreams and goals and didn’t whinge about abandoning them.

Show quote history

I would assume so! But it's not as if the OP were living two doors away from them before they 'rejected' her by moving close to her brother -- the OP, her parents and her brother were living in three different places already. No one is 'rejecting' anyone.

NosyJosie · 16/05/2024 14:29

Rosebel · 16/05/2024 14:23

I understand. My parents were living in France for 6 months of the year. They kept doing this after my DDs were born.
As soon as my sister had a baby they sold the house and moved to England permanently. As if that didn't hurt enough they then provided 4 days of childcare a week (much my mum's furry as she didn't actually want to do 4 days of childcare ) until she left primary school.
I'm obviously still angry but my parents still think sister is wonderful because now she helps out as they're getting older ( I help too but whatever I say and do isn't good enough).
Therapy sounds like a good idea. 125 miles isn't a massive distance, unless you or parents live in a very rural area, can you not meet up regularly? Facetime? Not the same, but at least you'd still be able to chat to them.

Not here to talk about you.

FaeryRing · 16/05/2024 14:30

Ah both my parents shacked up with other people when I was 13, one battered my mum but she tried to have me arrested when I reported the abuse to the police by saying I was lying (they were eventually convicted) and the other persuaded my dad to kick us out the moment we turned 18 before moving to be closer to her family and I haven’t seen them since 2019 🙃

I thought your post was going to be a bit like that.

But actually it’s just about you moving 200 miles away and your parents (as is their right) not wanting to join you.

I’m sorry to sound so harsh but pull yourself together.

Spinet · 16/05/2024 14:34

I think if you're already having therapy about this you shouldn't ask if you're being unreasonable on Mumsnet, because you'll just get a resounding 'yes, stop being pathetic' without the context which presumably makes all the difference. Are you trying to feel horrible about yourself on purpose so you signed up for a kicking?

LocalHobo · 16/05/2024 14:36

Otherwise… you moved away. You chose your in-laws over them.
Honestly, you now have an opportunity to have a great relationship with your in-laws and have your family to visit/come and stay when it suits.
It will be easier to see your brother now that visit can be combined with seeing your parents.
There are loads of positives in your situation.

1offnamechange · 16/05/2024 14:37

Agree with the majority. Unless there's a massive backstory, while I can understand feeling regretful that they will have a closer relationship with your brothers child and see your brother more often, the feeling of abandonment isn't rational and there's no evidence that they "chose" him over you.

As others have said, YOU moved away first and your parents never said they'd move to be close to you, just they didn't want to always live in the original place. Presumably they moved somewhere they wanted to live, the fact it was closer to your brother was probably a factor but not the deciding one, otherwise they would have moved to the exact same place.

Sounds like both your parents and your brother now live closer to you than they did when you first moved, so surely a good thing overall?

PotatoPudding · 16/05/2024 14:40

Have they moved because they would rather be near your brother or do they prefer the are he’s moved to?

MIL is very close to both her kids, but much closer to her daughter. However, where DH & I live is incredibly community minded, very safe, full of activities for retired people, incredibly beautiful and generally just a lovely place to live. MIL chose to live near us because it suited HER better.

crumblingschools · 16/05/2024 14:40

You moved to be closer to your DP's parents. Why did you expect your parents to move too, especially when there is another sibling to take into account?

BurntToACinder · 16/05/2024 14:40

I agree with everyone else - you moved away from them first. They probably felt abandoned initially, then just got on with living their life.
In your parents shoes given neither you or your brother are in your hometown I would pick the town I preferred. That’s probably all they have done.
In reality you would have probably felt fine about your brother being ‘abandoned’ if they had lived by you instead.
Your parents can’t cut themselves in two.

Maddy70 · 16/05/2024 14:43

They picked where they preferred to live. What an odd post x

TabithaTimeTurner · 16/05/2024 14:44

They’ve moved nearer to you and your brother - a happy medium I would’ve thought?

Aquamarine1029 · 16/05/2024 14:46

YOU are the one who "abandoned" them, if we're playing by your, rather self-absorbed, rules. I hate to break the news to you, but the entirety of your parent's lives don't revolve around just you. They moved to the area they liked best. Your take on this situation is rather alarming, actually.

CandiedPrincess · 16/05/2024 14:46

You need to get over yourself. You moved away first!

XMissPlacedX · 16/05/2024 14:53

I moved away at 18, my parents and brother stayed in our home town. They are so close, always see each other and my parents are closer to his kids. It doesn't bother me, I'm aware that I moved away first. You need to drop that feeling of false resentment, your being a bit silly I'm afraid.

Mix56 · 16/05/2024 15:07

It's human to have a better relationship with "a" or "b" child. maybe they just have a better relationship with "a" ? like football, or golf.
My parents loved me, but they were much more comfortable with my brothers.. Ultimately my golden boy brother lived across the world, & I lived in another European country. My younger brother & lovely wife lived down the road. So they got the free childcare/ & Sunday lunches.
I think it's just circumstances & different characters....
You left initially, so your actions have consequences.
Its OK....Go & see them when you can, FaceTime, be happy that they're happy.

toomuchfaff · 16/05/2024 15:53

YABVU

You moved first, just because they haven't pitched up in your front garden you've concluded they have abandoned you? AND prefer your brother.

It does sound like you need to reevaluate your conclusions.

Hiddendoor · 16/05/2024 16:27

You did move away first.

Saying that, did you have an expectation that once your parents decided to move then it would be closer to you? That would be them choosing you over your brother, going by your logic here.

You know that they haven't chosen one child over the other with the move, it maybe is more practical for them in some way to be where they are now. However, this could be a repeated pattern of behaviour - not necessarily choosing your brother but of you feeling let down or abandoned or not picked by them. If so, therapy is a really good place to unpick all of this.

earther · 16/05/2024 16:29

But you moved away first i think its time to grow up and stop being jealous of your brother.

I couldent get far enough away from my family and couldent give a toss who they favour and where they move as long as its not near me.
200 miles away would still feels to close lol.

Spirallingdownwards · 16/05/2024 16:32

Maybe they felt abandoned when you chose to move away and live near your in laws. (Probably didn't, probably didn't even think about it).

Is your brother near his in laws too?

As the mum of boys it's refreshing to see parents living near sons when all we ever hear is how they live with/near or favour daughters.

PickledPurplePickle · 16/05/2024 16:32

You moved away though and ‘abandoned’ your family

Your poor parents are in a no win situation

rwa818 · 16/05/2024 16:34

But didn't you move first?
Maybe they just prefer the area where your brother lives?
It's still closer to you than where you live now so maybe they think it's a good option.
Do they have a history of favouring your DB? Is that why you're taking it personally maybe?