Will I ever get over my parents choosing my brother over me?

[Bluesunflowering]

Well that’s how it feels anyway.

I moved 10 years ago around 200 miles from my hometown for work reasons. I met my partner and around 4 years later I had my son.
My parents had always said they would move away from our hometown eventually, as it was becoming more built up in their words.

My brother and now wife moved to a new area which is about 125 miles from us during lockdown.

My parents then decided in 2022 that they were going to move closer to my brother, after visiting them there. We’re talking about 15 mins drive away.
I feel like I’ve been abandoned , I know it’s pathetic as an adult, but it feels like a huge rejection to me.
They are always spending time together, going round to each other’s house for dinner, going out for coffee, BBQs, helping each other with DIY projects and so on.

My partner’s parents live near us, but it’s not the same as having mine nearby.

My brother and his wife are due a baby in the summer and I know my parents will have more of a relationship with him/her than with my DS, and it hurts.
I thought about moving closer to them all, but my DP doesn’t want to move away and he has his job here. I’m only working part time/freelancing , so not a huge issue for me, but he’s in his ideal job here. Plus his parents are here too.

I’m starting to see a therapist about all this as it’s making me feel so sad and depressed. It’s also making me re-consider all my past decisions and choices.

I think things will change now your DB has had a child - they will be more into child friendly places, etc so you can both make more effort.

Maybe SIL won’t want your parents round as much when she’s busy with the baby? Maybe you are seeing this through rose tinted glasses and the grass isn’t always greener.

I do think your SH needs to consider a move as he’s had his parents a while.

We live away and not one of my siblings/parents visit any more - I end up going there. Suits me just fine.

OP make the relationship with your inlaws if they are ok people. It will take time and effort but your inlaws can be your family too.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel this way. I think you feel hurt and excluded. This is something a therapist can help you to deal with.

It may not feel like it now, but it is good that your parents have moved close to one or other of you. My parents moved pretty much in the middle of all four of their children so we were all equidistant from them - in their mind it meant there was no favouritism. Then my dad died six months later. Fifteen years later, my mum now has dementia and the closest of us is about half an hour away, with the rest of us 45mins to an hour away. If one of us was just a few minutes away it would make life so much easier when there’s an issue. Driving 45 minutes because the wifi has gone off or because there’s been a power cut and she can’t reset the oven clock, or because a lightbulb needs replacing makes things even more difficult than they are already.

You ‘abandoned’ them.

hopefully they moved a littLe closer, not 125 the other direction.

and no you probably won’t ‘get over it’ because of who you are as a person- in the nicest possible way! You are previewing it this way, and that’s a lot feeling abandoned by parent.

i moved further, met and married my partner. Now I’m stuck till we can retire. I would NEVER expect or allow my parents to move to this hole. Nor would I ever be upset if they moved closer to my sibling.

it does suck they will have a different relationship with DS - but remember it is just different, not better, not worse.

you moved. The effort is up to you, not them. Take some responsibility for your own actions.

Sorry OP, but you are being ridiculous. If your parents had moved to where you are would you consider that they were favouring you over your brother? I really don't get this idea that everyone has to live near their family, but then I live in a country where people move all over the place, including overseas.

You actually moved away first, and presumably your parents moved to an area where they wanted to live - as is their right. I would never dream of expecting my parents to move to be closer to me - and I'm an only child.

My children are closer to the grandparents that live a distance. They just have similar personalities and visiting them or having them to stay was always a special treat. I too used to get upset that my parents were further but in the end it didn't matter.

I would assume your parents chose the place they preferred. Although they said they'd move, maybe you assumed it would be very close to you? I really don't believe this is about you. Moving in later life is a big decision and the area you live makes such a difference. Maybe they saw more activities they could join? Or maybe they got more house for their money? Is your sil pleased that they are arriving in the area?! This might not be straight forward for your brother either!

Are you choosing to believe they prefer him solely based on this, or because of other things?

if it’s just the move, consider other reasons why they have chosen this. Perhaps they really liked that area? Maybe they don’t like where you are so much?

did you ever make it obvious you’d like them to be closer?

OP unless there’s a lot more to this it seems it hasn’t even occurred to you that your parents may have moved near to your brother because that area meets their needs. You seem to see them as parents and grandparents only. They are people first with their own wants and desires.

You have no right to label them as “abandoning you” when as others have pointed out you moved away from them.

If they are closer to their other grandchild that’s the decision you made when you moved 200 miles away from them.

My sister and her kids live abroad and my mum is close to her young kids through visits and phone calls. I live near my mum which means she does see a lot of my kids. It also means I’ll be the one looking after her as she ages.

In my case I moved 200 miles away
I think I'm better off taking myself out of it!

It does all sound a bit childish to be honest. They didn’t abandon you, as others have said on this post they simply moved to where they felt most at home. From reading your post I think a lot of this comes down to you having one child. When you have 2 or more the rose tinted goggles come off and you realise life is all about compromises. Not everyone l can be happy all the time. I’m sure they’re perspective is they are still closer to you than before. I moved an hour away from my parents, my sister 10 minutes, the first to move that far in generations 🙄 however because they didn’t have the “childcare responsibilities” from my family they enjoyed their time with my children, much less of a responsibility and more special. Don’t get me wrong there are times when living round the corner would have been much easier But they didn’t demand you to come home why should you be able to dictate to them. Only feasible compromise would have been living in the middle which would have pleased no one.

@Bluesunflowering I’m not sure you feel better after this thread but has it given you any ideas or thoughts about how you may work on family dynamics going forward?

My in laws tried living down the road from
us and ended up in Australia with BIL!

It’s where they want to live and nothing to do with us.

Your being ridiculous, you moved 200 miles away so by your way of thinking you abandoned them. How do you think they felt when your moved?x now they have actually moved 85 miles nearer to you you are jealous they are nearer your brother??

So many unkind messages here to the OP. You don’t know their situation or upbringing. If you disagree there is really a much better way to word your thoughts to them. They were most likely venting or in a bad head space when writing this. Parenting is hard, emotional and isolating. I was in a similar position where my parents moved closer to my sibling - it hurt and it took help and lots of open conversations to be in a better place with it. I too had to realise they had to like where they live and not liking where I live is fine. I miss them terribly and do feel like I miss out on a lot but OP, it will feel better and sometimes we have to be at peace to move forward. The last thing you want is resentment and hurt if something were to happen to them. Please feel free to reach out, as someone who has been in your position. ❤️