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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Will I ever get over my parents choosing my brother over me?

164 replies

Bluesunflowering · 16/05/2024 13:38

Well that’s how it feels anyway.

I moved 10 years ago around 200 miles from my hometown for work reasons. I met my partner and around 4 years later I had my son.
My parents had always said they would move away from our hometown eventually, as it was becoming more built up in their words.

My brother and now wife moved to a new area which is about 125 miles from us during lockdown.

My parents then decided in 2022 that they were going to move closer to my brother, after visiting them there. We’re talking about 15 mins drive away.
I feel like I’ve been abandoned , I know it’s pathetic as an adult, but it feels like a huge rejection to me.
They are always spending time together, going round to each other’s house for dinner, going out for coffee, BBQs, helping each other with DIY projects and so on.

My partner’s parents live near us, but it’s not the same as having mine nearby.

My brother and his wife are due a baby in the summer and I know my parents will have more of a relationship with him/her than with my DS, and it hurts.
I thought about moving closer to them all, but my DP doesn’t want to move away and he has his job here. I’m only working part time/freelancing , so not a huge issue for me, but he’s in his ideal job here. Plus his parents are here too.

I’m starting to see a therapist about all this as it’s making me feel so sad and depressed. It’s also making me re-consider all my past decisions and choices.

OP posts:
Scintella · 16/05/2024 20:20

I’m surprised you are socialising so much with DPs, as adults I’d expect you to bbq with friends. Both you and DB.
Hopefully we won’t get more posts repeating the same comments. There’s been enough.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 16/05/2024 20:23

Scintella · 16/05/2024 20:20

I’m surprised you are socialising so much with DPs, as adults I’d expect you to bbq with friends. Both you and DB.
Hopefully we won’t get more posts repeating the same comments. There’s been enough.

What? Can't people socialise with family AND friends? We certainly do.

Shiveringinthecountry · 16/05/2024 20:26

How can you feel abandoned? It was you who moved away.

Youdontevengohere · 16/05/2024 20:33

Scintella · 16/05/2024 20:20

I’m surprised you are socialising so much with DPs, as adults I’d expect you to bbq with friends. Both you and DB.
Hopefully we won’t get more posts repeating the same comments. There’s been enough.

We sometimes have BBQs with friends, and sometimes with family 🤷🏻‍♀️

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 16/05/2024 20:34

Youdontevengohere · 16/05/2024 20:33

We sometimes have BBQs with friends, and sometimes with family 🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

Sometimes we spend time with people and don't even BBQ!

PerfectTravelTote · 16/05/2024 20:41

I mean this in the nicest possible way but I think that this might be a you problem. They didn't really do anything wrong. Do you visit them often or invite them to stay with you? It might help if you arrange to see more of them. Maybe you just miss them.

BloodyHellKenAgain · 16/05/2024 20:49

MuscariFan · 16/05/2024 13:42

Presumably they picked the place they would prefer to live, rather than their 'favourite child', surely?

This is exactly what I thought. Does your brother live in a lovely area while you live in a not very inspiring place OP ?

ArmchairPhycologist · 16/05/2024 20:54

Maybe your parents are having difficulty getting over you choosing to move nearer to your dh's parents than them @Bluesunflowering

theholesinmyapologies · 16/05/2024 22:42

I imagine OP would have been entirely ok with the reverse scenario, ie, parents moving closer to her and her family....

badatdecisions · 16/05/2024 23:22

it feels like a rejection to you that your parents are moving 75 miles closer to you?

Femme2804 · 16/05/2024 23:39

God OP! Imagine i move to england and my parents its in Indonesia. Its literally on the other side of the road. I dont meet them in 5 years. I would love to if i can be like you move only 200miles away

Mumoftwinsandasingleton · 16/05/2024 23:47

Definitely YABU. You left, and now you're upset they didn't follow. You have your extended family nearby which is at least something. The bond between your parents and your niece/ nephew will no doubt be stronger as they are physically in each others space, but this comes naturally when one child distances themselves

ZoeCM · 17/05/2024 14:26

NeverEnoughPants · 16/05/2024 13:50

It sounds like they like that area better, if they decided after visiting the place.

If they had moved to be closer to you, would you have been at all bothered that they had 'abandoned' your brother?

This is a very good point. If your parents had told you they wanted to move near to you instead, would you have tried to talk them out of it on the grounds that it would be unfair for them to "abandon" your brother?

LIZS · 17/05/2024 14:34

So you left the area then your brother also left and they chose to move closer to him than you - is that the issue? Do they still have friends in the original area to visit? Assuming they are now retired might they need support in future? If you moved you could presumably lose inlaw support as well as extend dh commute. You cannot have it all ways.

Ladyj84 · 17/05/2024 14:41

This has nothing to do with a favourite sibling. The way you feel is entirely your feelings and in all fairness you moved away. I moved away similar distance and made it very clear some time later when I met now hubby that I wanted to return back to family area and he was in agreement and after 3 years of marriage that's exactly what we did for us,for our kids etc and it's turned out so good and made us closer as a family

fieldsofbutterflies · 17/05/2024 14:44

So, you moved 200 miles away first, then your brother moved 125 miles from you, and your parents eventually decided to settle nearer to your brother?

How is that choosing him over you? Confused

Calamitousness · 17/05/2024 14:45

Yabvu. Your parents are allowed to live wheee they want. You are a grown up with your own family. You can visit. They can visit. Live your own life. Your brother lives in a nicer place by the sound of it. They prefer where they live not who they live close to.

Deathbyfluffy · 17/05/2024 14:48

YABU. You moved away first, and presumably they liked his area better.

EC22 · 17/05/2024 15:05

Perfectpots · 16/05/2024 13:41

To be fair - you 'abandoned' them first, did you not?

This was my thoughts too. You moved away. I think you need to change your thought process here. You did without them for years.

OldPerson · 17/05/2024 20:43

You left your parents, moving 200 miles, 10 years ago.

Even after ds, you did not consider moving to make them more integral in you and your son's life.

You work part-time - how many weekends have you travelled with ds to see them?

How did your parents feel being largely excluded from their first grandchild's life for the first 4 years and knowing husband's grandparents were more favoured?

How excited and happy must your parents feel being given a second chance at being grandparents?

Did you ever consider what it must be like to be your parents?

How did you grow up to be so self-centred and "entitled"?

TaraRhu · 17/05/2024 20:46

'My parents had always said they would move away from our hometown eventually, as it was becoming more built up'

^^ you said it! They've always said they were going to move! Get over it.

Peppermintytea · 17/05/2024 23:06

Did you hope they would move closer to you? Did you ever discuss it?

I'm sorry you feel sad. I feel a bit the same. My parents moved house but in my case just to another town nowhere near any of their kids and I felt a bit miffed about it. They are totally at their leisure so could have chosen to come and be closer to us but elected not to. I wish they'd done something differently but I moved away and I can't force them to want to follow me, as much as I wish that they would.

Let's console ourselves by thinking of all the irritations that popping in for BBQs and things would involve. You think of it as rosy from a distance but imagine silly annoyances and inconveniences on a daily basis. Or your mum feeling like a 'second mum' to your child and overstepping the mark with them, or telling you you should be parenting differently, or any of those things that can happen when you live too close.

rusrus · 17/05/2024 23:24

I can't believe what a hard time you are getting here OP. Regardless of how or why everybody ended up living where they did, I am sure it is very normal for one sibling to have feelings about it if the other sibling spends much more time with the parents.

Personally I expect to face this soon as my wealthy sibling will be retiring probably 15 years earlier than me and will probably move close to our elderly parents while I cannot.

bloodyplumbing · 17/05/2024 23:28

I'm struggling to understand the issue!

They didn't promise to move near you, they said they'd move away from their hometown

MrsPositivity1 · 18/05/2024 07:53

@NosyJosie a very unkind comment

The poster was explaining her situation which is similar to OP's