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Original poster

Will I ever get over my parents choosing my brother over me?

164 replies

Bluesunflowering · 16/05/2024 13:38

Well that’s how it feels anyway.

I moved 10 years ago around 200 miles from my hometown for work reasons. I met my partner and around 4 years later I had my son.
My parents had always said they would move away from our hometown eventually, as it was becoming more built up in their words.

My brother and now wife moved to a new area which is about 125 miles from us during lockdown.

My parents then decided in 2022 that they were going to move closer to my brother, after visiting them there. We’re talking about 15 mins drive away.
I feel like I’ve been abandoned , I know it’s pathetic as an adult, but it feels like a huge rejection to me.
They are always spending time together, going round to each other’s house for dinner, going out for coffee, BBQs, helping each other with DIY projects and so on.

My partner’s parents live near us, but it’s not the same as having mine nearby.

My brother and his wife are due a baby in the summer and I know my parents will have more of a relationship with him/her than with my DS, and it hurts.
I thought about moving closer to them all, but my DP doesn’t want to move away and he has his job here. I’m only working part time/freelancing , so not a huge issue for me, but he’s in his ideal job here. Plus his parents are here too.

I’m starting to see a therapist about all this as it’s making me feel so sad and depressed. It’s also making me re-consider all my past decisions and choices.

OP posts:
Hotttchoc · 18/05/2024 07:56

It sounds like they're still closer to you as hometown is 200 miles away and brother house is 125 miles away so magenta they're thinking they'll also be closer to you?

Is it possible they like where your brother lives and that's why they're moving there?

Naunet · 18/05/2024 08:44

Seriously OP? You must realise you’re being unreasonable about this?

Quitelikeit · 18/05/2024 08:47

See a therapist?!

what did I just read!

Kindly, you seem jealous and childish - you are not some thirteen yo vying for your parents attention

angela1952 · 18/05/2024 11:15

MuscariFan · 16/05/2024 13:42

Presumably they picked the place they would prefer to live, rather than their 'favourite child', surely?

This sounds fine to me, they like it better there.

Harmonypus · 18/05/2024 12:32

OP, your parents have moved home and now live (as you yourself said) 15 minutes drive away. That is by no means 'abandoning' you. Just because they're probably 5 minutes drive from your brother, does not mean that he's been 'chosen over you'. I'm sure 15mins drive isn't going to put you out too much to go and see your parents, or would you rather have to go 200.miles to where they used to live?

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 18/05/2024 13:06

Harmonypus · 18/05/2024 12:32

OP, your parents have moved home and now live (as you yourself said) 15 minutes drive away. That is by no means 'abandoning' you. Just because they're probably 5 minutes drive from your brother, does not mean that he's been 'chosen over you'. I'm sure 15mins drive isn't going to put you out too much to go and see your parents, or would you rather have to go 200.miles to where they used to live?

You've misunderstood massively. They've moved 15 minutes drive from her brother. Who lives 125 miles from OP.

Crazycrazylady · 18/05/2024 13:47

Honestly op. You need to absolutely see a therapist. It's fine to wish you lived nearer your parents and it's also. E fine to be envious of the closeness of your brothers relationship to them but it's unhinged to let it consume you like this. They've done nothing wrong at all.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 18/05/2024 16:17

Naunet · 18/05/2024 08:44

Seriously OP? You must realise you’re being unreasonable about this?

Yes, that's why she has not been back

T1Dmama · 18/05/2024 17:33

Don’t take it personally @Bluesunflowering … They couldn’t live near both their children.. perhaps they felt that as you have inlaws nearby to rely on, that living and supporting your brother and his wife was a
kind option.

Manthide · 20/05/2024 06:09

I have 4 dc - 2 married with dc, one at uni and one still at school. I was thinking of moving nearer my eldest dd when youngest dd leaves school in 2 years. Atm I live 20 miles from my middle dd and 120 from eldest. Dd2 is very busy and I don't see her much, also where she lives is very expensive. DD1 lives in a lovely part of the country, near the sea, close to where I spent my teenaged years and prices are similar to where I live now. Unfortunately my younger brother died recently and it was assumed he'd be around for our parents ( he was very close to them) - we all live/ lived in the same town. My parents are in their 80s still very fit and active but I have to think about them now as I'm their only child now.

DecoratingDiva · 20/05/2024 07:57

As others have said, unless there is some back story here you are overthinking this and coming to some odd conclusions so it is good that are seeking therapy to help.

If your parents said they would move nearer to you but then chose your brother or if your brother is the golden child I could understand your feelings but if is is all as straightforward forward as described I could understand you feeling a bit miffed but not to the extent you seem to be.

NosyJosie · 20/05/2024 08:06

If you and your DP live in a big city like London for work, as a lot of young couples do, then the expectation on your parents to move closer to you is naive. As soon as you get into commuting belts the house prices shoot up and it doesn’t make sense for your parents at this stage in their life to make that change.

Nextdoor55 · 20/05/2024 08:17

Some of these comments are insensitive to OP whole is clearly having a difficult time.
I'm suspecting that this sense of rejection does deeper than this move, I'm thinking that's this has already been an underlying dynamic with brother & parents.
I'm in a similar situation. In my case though my parents think I'm fiercely independent & don't need them, it's totally untrue but that's how they've justified their lack of input. They totally spoil & lavish attention on my DB who in turn is totally dependent on them. I'm probably better off out of it to be honest

needsomewarmsunshine · 20/05/2024 08:26

I'm closest to my dd2 but I'm not leaving England to move to America to be near her.
How do you know that sil is 100% on board with the interaction with ils? Who knows what is said in private.

NosyJosie · 20/05/2024 08:29

Nextdoor55 · 20/05/2024 08:17

Some of these comments are insensitive to OP whole is clearly having a difficult time.
I'm suspecting that this sense of rejection does deeper than this move, I'm thinking that's this has already been an underlying dynamic with brother & parents.
I'm in a similar situation. In my case though my parents think I'm fiercely independent & don't need them, it's totally untrue but that's how they've justified their lack of input. They totally spoil & lavish attention on my DB who in turn is totally dependent on them. I'm probably better off out of it to be honest

I actually thought this too. Depending on dynamics it may be that the parents consider OP more independent overall.

Either way, they can live where they like and it doesn’t have to be about her. She’s grown.

tennistimetomorrow · 20/05/2024 08:29

I think this is very unlikely to just be about the location your parents moved to. You're an adult and it is a strange reaction for an adult to have. There must be some deeper issues at play here that hopefully you will uncover at therapy.

ThinWomansBrain · 20/05/2024 08:33

if your that bothered/jealous about it, move & live closer to them.

Xztop · 20/05/2024 08:43

OP, I get it, it's been the same for me and my sister my whole life, always her, she always has to come first. I had therapy and it did help. I moved away after amd not because of that but honestly the distance has helped.

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 20/05/2024 08:53

Well I guess it made sense to be near one of you and presumably they prefer where your brother lives.

You can still have a close relationship face time and quality time in visits.

It would have been the same if they chose to live near you rather than your brother.

On the plus side when it switches and they need more support it won't be you having to factor that in

Spirael · 20/05/2024 09:14

I understand your feelings, as we have a similar setup. I have a brother and my DH has a sister, and we all moved to different places in the country for work after university. My brother and brother-in-law both work full time, my sisters-in-law both work part time, while DH and I both work full time.

When it came to selling up and downsizing, my parents chose to move within walking distance of my brother, and DH's mother (after his father passed away) chose to be within walking distance of his sister.

All I can advise is that firstly, it likely means that your parents knew that you would be able to cope without them being immediately on hand - unlike your brother. So you can take it as a kind of hidden complement.

Secondly, at the moment it likely seems very unfair with all the free assistance and childcare. Oh how annoyed I feel when I get told yet again that my parents are providing free after school/weekend/overnight babysitting so my DB and his wife can go out/do jobs in peace, or are cooking meals for DB and family or taking them out to restaurants.

Meanwhile, my DH and I pass like ships in the night, perpetually one step away from complete chaos, trying to handle everything and the kids with minimal day-to-day help.

But just remember that in a decade or two the tables will turn. Your parents will start needing a lot more help with their lives. Being taken to appointments, handling administration tasks, assistance with DIY, etc. But you're 200 miles away, and so it's time for your brother and his family to repay the help they were given.

Meanwhile, you will finally get to enjoy some well earned peace and quiet!

Pickled21 · 20/05/2024 09:19

In the nicest way it isn't about you. Change your mindset and reframe this. You aren't in competition with your brother. It's great that they get on so well with your brother and sil and should they need support then hopefully it's reciprocal.

If you want your parents to have a close relationship with your child then you need to make effort, regular phone or video calls, arrange visits or ask them to come to you. Plan days out with them. My kids are closer to my own parents who live 4 hours away than my mil who lives 10 minutes away. Yes they are closer to my nephew as they see him everyday but that is just life. Also take the time to reach out to your inlaws. That's what I have done, I speak to mil regularly, send videos of the kids, invite her around, show an interest in her life. You've got to be proactive if you want to foster good relationships.

Austrocock · 20/05/2024 09:40

You moved away first.
Maybe your parents prefer the area your brother lives in to the one you live in.

Mamai100 · 20/05/2024 09:53

I get it, you 'feel' abandoned but you haven't been abandoned. You can't really argue with feelings.

One of my grandmothers lived a mile away growing up, the other was in England (I'm in Ireland). I loved them both the same and I was as close to both of them because I saw my Irish granny a couple of times a week and my English granny 4 times a year but when I did see her we'd spend a week together going on outings etc. I adored them both.

So I don't think it necessarily means your parents will be closer to your brothers kids. Your kids will get more quality time with them no doubt.

willWillSmithsmith · 20/05/2024 10:16

Well they can’t live in two places at once so it would be either you on here feeling left out or your brother🤷‍♀️

Getonwitit · 20/05/2024 10:24

You are living with the consequences of your choices. Maybe they prefer the area where your brother lives. You are making this personal and it probably isn't.