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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Will I ever get over my parents choosing my brother over me?

164 replies

Bluesunflowering · 16/05/2024 13:38

Well that’s how it feels anyway.

I moved 10 years ago around 200 miles from my hometown for work reasons. I met my partner and around 4 years later I had my son.
My parents had always said they would move away from our hometown eventually, as it was becoming more built up in their words.

My brother and now wife moved to a new area which is about 125 miles from us during lockdown.

My parents then decided in 2022 that they were going to move closer to my brother, after visiting them there. We’re talking about 15 mins drive away.
I feel like I’ve been abandoned , I know it’s pathetic as an adult, but it feels like a huge rejection to me.
They are always spending time together, going round to each other’s house for dinner, going out for coffee, BBQs, helping each other with DIY projects and so on.

My partner’s parents live near us, but it’s not the same as having mine nearby.

My brother and his wife are due a baby in the summer and I know my parents will have more of a relationship with him/her than with my DS, and it hurts.
I thought about moving closer to them all, but my DP doesn’t want to move away and he has his job here. I’m only working part time/freelancing , so not a huge issue for me, but he’s in his ideal job here. Plus his parents are here too.

I’m starting to see a therapist about all this as it’s making me feel so sad and depressed. It’s also making me re-consider all my past decisions and choices.

OP posts:
AllAtSeaAgain · 16/05/2024 16:37

We've had this sort of silliness before.

FWIW I've got adult DC and won't be able to 'move' next to all of them if I choose to. I've got one in London - where I CERTAINLY can't afford to buy anything, one abroad, where I don't want to move and one in the Midlands where I could possibly afford to move to.

I might not move at all. But if I do, it will be nearer to DS2. I do hope that his siblings don't start with this sort of ridiculous need for therapy, claiming I've damaged them by doing so.

OP, you need to grow up. For the sake of your 6 yo son, if nothing else.

Rosebel · 16/05/2024 16:40

NosyJosie · 16/05/2024 14:29

Not here to talk about you.

Show quote history

No. I should have just posted a nasty response like you and many others. I was sharing my experience with OP (not you) to show I understand how she feels. FFS

Lanawashington · 16/05/2024 16:41

Is this a reverse? You’re actually one of the parents and your child is giving you shit for moving closer to the other one?

Otherwise I don’t see how you can say you’ve been abandoned when you moved 200 miles away first

Hankunamatata · 16/05/2024 17:01

Is there much difference in your area and bro area?

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 16/05/2024 17:05

I get it. I moved 200 miles away after uni for my relationship and better job prospects and my sister has moved about 20 miles away.

I have a great relationship with my parents, but do regularly feel left out because they do a lot of things with my sister and I just can't be part of them, logistically.

They regularly say they wish they were closer to us, mainly because I have a daughter and my sister doesn't have children. But whenever I've brought up the idea of them coming closer they tell me they couldn't leave my sister. I've stopped suggesting it because although I'm the one that moved, to hear them say they can't leave her feels like they're saying they'd rather be near her. I don't expect them to follow me, but I'd love to have them here.

It also costs a LOT more to live where I do than where I grew up. So it would be expecting them to increase their outgoings, and move away from their hometown, which they love.

One day, it might be possible to move back, as a family unit. But there is very little work where I grew up, and although my job can be remote, DH has to be on site, so it's more restricting.

It sucks to feel like they'd rather be near your sibling. But in actuality, it's way more complicated than that, and you just need to think rationally.

velvetstars · 16/05/2024 17:05

Did they talk to you about the reasons they chose to move there not where you live? Might be easier to view it as a geographical decision rather than choosing your DB over you.

rwalker · 16/05/2024 17:10

They’ve moved for the area not the child there still a reasonable distance from there hometown and there ties there

Strictlymad · 16/05/2024 17:12

I’m not quite following, was there an understanding after you moved away that they would follow you?

PoppyCherryDog · 16/05/2024 17:22

Yes yabu

You seem to be missing the fact that you moved first…

ButterCrackers · 16/05/2024 17:23

Work out times to visit. Once you’ve got a schedule to look forward to you might feel better about things.

Bunnyhair · 16/05/2024 17:31

Do see a therapist. This response is disproportionate.

Backatsquareone · 16/05/2024 17:35

Do you have a good support network where you are? Just wondering if it’s loneliness that’s making this feel worse

BodyKeepingScore · 16/05/2024 17:57

YABU... you chose to move 200 miles away from your parents. They were under no obligation to follow you. It's unfortunate that you feel they've somehow chosen your brother over you. Ultimately they chose a location they like and want to live in and it just so happens to be closer to your brother. They're obviously going to enjoy the added time they're able to spend with him as a result of this. You made your choices, and presumably you didn't make them based on the idea that your parents would follow you.

NicoleSkidman · 16/05/2024 18:24

Your parents, who live 200 miles from you, moved to live near your brother, who is 125 miles from you, yet he’s only about 15 mins from your parents previous house. How’s that possible?

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 16/05/2024 18:28

NicoleSkidman · 16/05/2024 18:24

Your parents, who live 200 miles from you, moved to live near your brother, who is 125 miles from you, yet he’s only about 15 mins from your parents previous house. How’s that possible?

Read it again.

They've moved close. A 15 minute drive away.

cordeliachaseatemyhandbag · 16/05/2024 18:42

This is so weird.

You moved.

What are the different areas? Maybe one more expensive or nicer? Nearer the sea? More amenities for retirees?

You could move if you really wanted to.

It's a bit of an odd thing to be jealous about.

Maybe they get on with DiL more than your DP?

NeverEnoughPants · 16/05/2024 18:46

NicoleSkidman · 16/05/2024 18:24

Your parents, who live 200 miles from you, moved to live near your brother, who is 125 miles from you, yet he’s only about 15 mins from your parents previous house. How’s that possible?

They've moved a 15 minute drive from ops brothers house. At least, that's how I read it.

HawkersEast · 16/05/2024 18:56

I think its good you're seeing a therapist as I don't think your being reasonable or fair. By your own admission you moved first so surely you abandoned your parents?
Life happens, people move, it's not personal

Atethehalloweenchocs · 16/05/2024 19:16

Do you think there is a history of this OP? How would you feel if they had moved 100 miles from both of you? Did they pick the area because your brother is there, or because it is particularly lovely and they like it? It seems like a strong reaction from you to what may be perfectly innocent. its sad not to have them nearby but it is an interesting reaction.

RoseGoldEagle · 16/05/2024 19:19

You took a decision as an adult to move, as you say for work reasons. Your parents are also adults in their own right, and the days of them making decisions that are entirely centred on you have gone, because you are not a little child any more. They are allowed to make their own decisions, which will factor in all sorts of things (including, I’m sure, the different locations of their children, but also- their own personal preference of where they’d like to live, cost of location, services nearby, proximity to their other family members and all their friends etc etc). Viewing this as a rejection/abandonment suggests you’re still in the child mind set when it comes to them, rather than moving to an adult-adult relationship. Hope the therapist helps.

likepebblesonabeach · 16/05/2024 19:29

I think YABU but I think you know that op.
You left first.
You're DP's couldn't move beside both you and your DB so I'd imagine they chose the place they like the most.
I get that you feel you are missing out on the relationship they could have with your DC but the crux is you moved first so you chose to move away from them

Cornishclio · 16/05/2024 19:35

I don't really see that they have abandoned you. They have moved away from your hometown as you did and now your brother and his wife. Maybe they just prefer the area he lives in to where you are. It sounds like they have made a choice between places not between you and your brother.

They are a bit closer to you if only 125 miles now rather than 200. That is easily doable for a day or a weekend. Or you can suggest meeting them halfway so you all only have 60 miles to travel to meet up somewhere? I can't see how they could make everyone happy as presumably your brother might not have been happy if they moved closer to you.

Is your brother younger than you? Maybe him moving away was the catalyst to make them move as they would not be close to either of you. I do think as you moved away first you are being unfair to them.

Marine30 · 16/05/2024 19:37

You can’t always have everything you want OP. They have their own life to live and as you get older it’s a lot harder to just uproot for one thing (you and your family).
15 mins to be nearer one child is much less daunting than 200 miles for the other. Try not to take it personally.
Yes it is harder without your parents but you do at least have in-laws around. Lots of people have no family at all nearby - that is really tough.

Garlicnaan · 16/05/2024 19:40

A similar thing happened to me, except I didn't move away from my DPs, as they had moved elsewhere while I was at uni, where I stayed, they then moved from 2 hours away to 4 hours away, to where my sibling lives. They said they chose her as they thought I'd probably be more likely to move again. I'd been there for 9 years at that point. They have virtually no relationship with my DC and a very close one with my nieces. We can't move to where they are as there are so few jobs, yet houses aren't much cheaper. It's sad they haven't made more effort to make up for it.

Ereyraa · 16/05/2024 19:43

None of this makes any sense.

You moved away first.

They said they might leave their town eventually.

You assumed it would be to where you are?

They clearly liked the area your DB moved to better, and moved there.

You’ve not been abandoned?