FIL 'took' Our car!

[LostMyCar]

Evening all,

I'll start by saying that I've NC as I don't want this linked with my previous posts. This is a long one so I do apologise in advance...

Dh and I live abroad and will be visiting the UK for a couple of months next month. We've been looking for a cheap car to use for the month with the intention of reselling when we leave.

FIL has been kind enough to help with the search and the other night found a good deal. He went to view the car and arranged to buy it the next day. FIL had 1k of our money (from selling a car last year) and we transferred the remaining balance of the car over. We're excited that we've got a good deal and BIL mentions that he might want to buy the car off us when we leave. Great!

The next day DH gets a message from FIL to say that he and BIL are on the way to collect the car. All good. Then BIL sends a message to the group chat saying he's going to need to borrow our car whilst his car is getting an MOT. He doesn't ask, he assumes.

Bit of backstory - BIL (by Dh's own admission) is an immature man child who is often reckless and verbally abusive when he doesn't get his own way. He can't hold down a job and FIL is constantly bailing him out of messy situations. FIL is definitely his enabler.
DH says no I'm really sorry but I don't want you using my car. I'm not buying it for someone else to use. FIL gets angry at this as asks why BIL is good enough to pick the car up then? DH says he thought FIL would be driving our car and BIL would drive FIL's car back. Had he have known this wasn't the case, we could have asked someone else to collect the car.

Anyway, it's all blown into a huge argument. FIL phoned DH and did nothing but shout and scream. How can he not trust his brother? He's trying to get his life together! DH reiterated that he didn't want to upset BIL but he doesn't want him having access to our car. It ended with FIL telling DH to go fuck himself and to get someone to come and collect our car off his drive way that night. Whilst all this is going on, BIL sends a message to DH saying our car drives like a dream to further antagonise the situation.

I phone my parents and ask them (1.5 hour round trip) if they would mind collecting the car from FIL and driving it to MIL's house as she has space in her garage for it. My parents kindly agreed to do so. DH messages FIL to say that my parents will collect the car from him when he's ready. A few minutes later, FIL messages DH and says that the car isn't ours, it's his. He's keeping it and then he transferred our money back to us. So now we have no car.

We suspect FIL will end up giving BIL the car. We now also suspect that BIL was probably always going to use our car instead of his own (on its way out) secretly before we return to the UK.

AIBU to think FIL and BIL have both acted like twats? DH is really upset that his father has treated him this way and I'm furious at the way FIL has spoken to DH. I'm sure in time, DH will forgive them both which is fine but AIBU to want nothing more to do with them?

Thank you if you've made it this far 🙏

OP’s parents, perhaps? Given that her mother was willing to drive a 3 hour round trip to pick it up, it’s not outside the realms of possibility that she would be fine with providing that.

Again, they intended to organise this with no involvement from FIL, so it doesn’t seem to be the case that it’s him or nothing.

It’s wild that some posters are actively hoping that OP and her DH are up shit creak because they object to their car being used by someone they know to be a drunk driver that can’t be trusted to not leave jizz on the seats.

"Again, they intended to organise this with no involvement from FIL, so it doesn’t seem to be the case that it’s him or nothing."

That's a bold assumption of your own there given that the OP said "FIL had 1k of our money (from selling a car last year)". Looks to me like they've happily used his services in the past.

Regardless, FIL gave them their money back, the car is his and they're back to square one.

But it’s illegal for her mother to provide the address.

Yes, that always stops people from doing it.

Given what you've already said about the way FIL enables BIL I'm afraid I'd have expected him to be "involved", and therefore it might have been better to avoid FIL's "help" completely

And so what if he was offended? Why would he have even known who'd helped you if you'd gone elsewhere?

Not really, given that OP was clear that he helped was offered, not requested. So what if they’ve ’used his services’ in the past? Doesn’t mean they needed or need to now.

Sure, and the FIL is down £1000 and his wasted time. They can get organized in a few clicks of a mouse - it really isn’t the big deal you would apparently like it to be.

It's not big deal to me at all. I really couldn't give a damn.

Since when though does "FIL has been kind enough to help with the search" means he CLEARLY offered the help? It is equally possible that DH asked his father if he would mind looking. I wouldn't read too much into it. This is the OPs viewpoint after all.

“No massive drip feed here. FIL offered to help and would have been offended if we had refused/someone else did it.”

“FIl was doing us a favour because he offered and like I said, he would be upset if he wasn't the one to help us. We never expected or wanted BIL involved. He wasn't until he went with FIL to collect the car.”

’clearly’ because that’s exactly what OP said.

Yes, only getting one person’s viewpoint is generally what happens on message boards.

Still not sure how not wanting a person you know to be a drunk driver, that you can’t trust to not jizz on the seats, to drive your car makes someone unreasonable.

In your position I would be blocking both FIL & BIL, getting someone else’s help with getting a car, and not having anything further to say to either of them!
I would be done!

Oh and @LostMyCar i’d also report the number plate as a possible drink driver and let the douche enjoy!

That is a ridiculous suggestion.

Maybe, but they will get there money back either way.

So many questions here.

who paid the insurance? Who was covered on the policy to drive the car? Why couldn’t BIL drive the car when you are in a different country and were going to sell it to him anyway? Why not just hire a car for the time you are here?

All seems like a lot of anger & drama over something much more deep seated than the car.

I have a brother like this, he “borrows” things without asking would drive peoples car like a go kart, wreck it and when you ask him to do work on it and you will pay him (he’s a mechanic) he says oh it’s a piece of shit scrap it. My mums just sat with no car for 8 week because he broke something on hers and my BIL had to sort it. I don’t blame you one bit for your reaction

I mean not ‘nothing’ let your husband take the lead on it. Sounds like he comprehends his family, he should be reasonable.

but I totally wouldn’t be helping mend fences!!

This is all on you and your DH. You're both the problem.

Whose name is on the log book?

Whole situation is bizarre, you can hire a car for a month for around £1k subject to any license restrictions so why have the added cost & time of buying one for a month!

Evening all,

I've debated whether or not to come back to this thread as some of the comments were just rude and some people really do love to kick others whilst their down. It's clear that some people haven't read the OP correctly and have formed an opinion on something that it inaccurate.

Thank you for those of you who have given their opinion without the name calling and hate, it's appreciated.

In terms of the insurance, I don't know the ins and out. My DH deals with it as he's the one who will be driving the car. I know when you buy a new car, you can buy temporary insurance for an hour whilst you drive it home. Details of insurance is irrelevant anyway because it's not the purpose of the thread.

Upon reflection, it does feel there was a hidden agenda with FIL and BIL. Everything was done so quickly and so rushed it feels as if they were counting on us buying a car quickly so BIL could use it whilst his is in the garage.

It's not fair to say that DH and I are all take and no give. You have no idea what we're like. No idea how we have helped others in the past. We have let BIL live with us temporarily in the past whilst he was working nearby. We spent a chunk of money setting him up and covering his costs. We even spent a lot of time trying to help him with his finances and to help him get out of debt.

I also don't believe that favours should come with strings attached. When I help people, I do it because I care them/want to help. I don't expect things in return and I certainly don't think that a person owes me anything. Like I've said previously, FIL wanted to help. Others also wanted to help but we accepted FIL's help because if we didn't, he would be upset. If we had known FIL's favour came with strings attached, we'd have said no thanks.

The comment I said about BIL drink driving was probably unfair. I obviously don't know for sure if he would drink drive but I don't trust that he wouldn't. I don't believe he would look after the car and if anything were to go wrong, BIL wouldn't accept responsibility and doesn't have the money to replace the car. Whilst the car is a cheap second hand car, we are not made of money and can't afford for things to go wrong. If things did go wrong, we'd end up with no car and we'd find it hard to forgive BIL.

Anyway, we have bought a car now. All is good. I'm sure it'll all blow over between FIL, BIL and DH but I will be keeping my distance. My DH did not get pissy or horrible with FIL on the phone, he was calm and level headed. The words he used were, 'I just don't feel comfortable with John using the car. Please don't let him'. That doesn't deserve the verbal abuse that was thrown at him and I won't be forgiving of anyone who speaks to my DH like that.

Hiring a car is not cheaper, the cheapest quote we have had it for £1.4k.

The car we've bought is in great condition and we're hoping to keep it for our next holiday.

That’s irrelevant really, but FIL’s now I’d imagine.

@LostMyCar Glad you have now bought a car, which hopefully you are happy with. Also hopefully, the family argument will calm down now.

I don't blame you both for not being keen on BIL driving the car before you got there either and I'm sorry you got a hard time from some on here.

This, though, is Mumsnet and you need a hard hat on very often, unfortunately, if you are brave enough to post, especially on AIBU

I hope you have a good trip over for your holiday.

Good post, OP, and I hope it teaches some people not to make assumptions about people.

Hope the car lasts you well.

It’s probably the most relevant question that’s been asked

I agree with this.