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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

FIL 'took' Our car!

358 replies

LostMyCar · 15/05/2024 21:16

Evening all,

I'll start by saying that I've NC as I don't want this linked with my previous posts. This is a long one so I do apologise in advance...

Dh and I live abroad and will be visiting the UK for a couple of months next month. We've been looking for a cheap car to use for the month with the intention of reselling when we leave.

FIL has been kind enough to help with the search and the other night found a good deal. He went to view the car and arranged to buy it the next day. FIL had 1k of our money (from selling a car last year) and we transferred the remaining balance of the car over. We're excited that we've got a good deal and BIL mentions that he might want to buy the car off us when we leave. Great!

The next day DH gets a message from FIL to say that he and BIL are on the way to collect the car. All good. Then BIL sends a message to the group chat saying he's going to need to borrow our car whilst his car is getting an MOT. He doesn't ask, he assumes.

Bit of backstory - BIL (by Dh's own admission) is an immature man child who is often reckless and verbally abusive when he doesn't get his own way. He can't hold down a job and FIL is constantly bailing him out of messy situations. FIL is definitely his enabler.
DH says no I'm really sorry but I don't want you using my car. I'm not buying it for someone else to use. FIL gets angry at this as asks why BIL is good enough to pick the car up then? DH says he thought FIL would be driving our car and BIL would drive FIL's car back. Had he have known this wasn't the case, we could have asked someone else to collect the car.

Anyway, it's all blown into a huge argument. FIL phoned DH and did nothing but shout and scream. How can he not trust his brother? He's trying to get his life together! DH reiterated that he didn't want to upset BIL but he doesn't want him having access to our car. It ended with FIL telling DH to go fuck himself and to get someone to come and collect our car off his drive way that night. Whilst all this is going on, BIL sends a message to DH saying our car drives like a dream to further antagonise the situation.

I phone my parents and ask them (1.5 hour round trip) if they would mind collecting the car from FIL and driving it to MIL's house as she has space in her garage for it. My parents kindly agreed to do so. DH messages FIL to say that my parents will collect the car from him when he's ready. A few minutes later, FIL messages DH and says that the car isn't ours, it's his. He's keeping it and then he transferred our money back to us. So now we have no car.

We suspect FIL will end up giving BIL the car. We now also suspect that BIL was probably always going to use our car instead of his own (on its way out) secretly before we return to the UK.

AIBU to think FIL and BIL have both acted like twats? DH is really upset that his father has treated him this way and I'm furious at the way FIL has spoken to DH. I'm sure in time, DH will forgive them both which is fine but AIBU to want nothing more to do with them?

Thank you if you've made it this far 🙏

OP posts:
ABirdsEyeView · 16/05/2024 22:55

Yes he's returned it now. I was just wondering if he would have refunded OP if bil damaged the car while driving it around or whether he would have made that OPs problem

AnnieSF · 17/05/2024 04:57

Oh I read cat 🐱

tintobat · 17/05/2024 05:37

Amx · 16/05/2024 14:45

Do you enjoy a bit of drama? I can't imagine being this petty.

BIL might invite a tinder date into your car? And?

No wonder your FIL reacted how he did. I bet he's sick of you both.

I took this to mean a hook up IN the car rather than just picking the date up to drive to a nice restaurant. It may be a second hand car but I can understand why the idea of BIL getting serviced in your car might be off putting.

lemonmeringueno3 · 17/05/2024 05:46

Sounds as if fil did you a big favour.

How much time does it take to source a suitable car, view it, negotiate on price and collect it?

Was he also involved with taxing and insuring it?

He obviously needed help to collect it so asked bil.

You are also expecting him to handle the sale after you leave, or for bil to buy it.

So bil can help collect the car and then buy it off you after, but not borrow it while his car has a mot.

And one of your reasons is 'he would take a tinder date in it.'

And you'd rather inconvenience your own parents at short notice than back down.

God YABsoU and petty.

Really glad you now have to buy your own car.

Changingplace · 17/05/2024 06:15

tintobat · 17/05/2024 05:37

I took this to mean a hook up IN the car rather than just picking the date up to drive to a nice restaurant. It may be a second hand car but I can understand why the idea of BIL getting serviced in your car might be off putting.

It’s a huge jump to dramatise that BIL might even have a tinder date, let alone that he’d be getting up to no good with this entirely fictional person in a car, unless he’s known for enjoying a bit of dogging 🤣

Middleagedspreadisreal · 17/05/2024 18:20

Lol

ladyluck13 · 17/05/2024 18:23

Some right doormats on here in the comments, just because someones family doesnt mean they get to walk all over you. You said no, you have your reasons and boundaries. Some people just aren't trustworthy. Your FIL and BIL though? That's crappy behaviour cos they can't get their own way. FIL offered, a favour with strings attached isn't a favour, and BIL just sounds like a immature cheeky git. I'd go low contact

OneWildBiscuit · 17/05/2024 18:25

Collosal twats. I'd want absolutely nothing to do with them.

daisypond · 17/05/2024 18:41

I think it’s the OP who’s the twat here. Getting the FIL to do all the work and running around after her. And it’s illegal anyway, as the OP won’t be able to get valid insurance, or to be able to register or tax it, because she is resident abroad.

BooBooDoodle · 17/05/2024 18:49

I don’t get why you couldn’t hire a car rather than go through all this crap every time you visit? Not only forms and SORN declarations, insurance etc. Just hire a car so you pick up, drive and drop back off again.

AllAtSeaAgain · 17/05/2024 19:05

I'd not bother contact FIL or BIL again, and I wouldn't be seeing them when I came to the UK. They both sound pathetically immature.

Jeannie88 · 17/05/2024 19:23

I wouldn't have minded but would expect to be asked before and would've said fine. Xx

Needanewname42 · 17/05/2024 19:31

ladyluck13 · 17/05/2024 18:23

Some right doormats on here in the comments, just because someones family doesnt mean they get to walk all over you. You said no, you have your reasons and boundaries. Some people just aren't trustworthy. Your FIL and BIL though? That's crappy behaviour cos they can't get their own way. FIL offered, a favour with strings attached isn't a favour, and BIL just sounds like a immature cheeky git. I'd go low contact

The question is did FIL OFFER a favour or was he asked by the CFs?

They've given FIL a load of hassle for zero thanks.

Needanewname42 · 17/05/2024 19:37

BooBooDoodle · 17/05/2024 18:49

I don’t get why you couldn’t hire a car rather than go through all this crap every time you visit? Not only forms and SORN declarations, insurance etc. Just hire a car so you pick up, drive and drop back off again.

Because they have a Mug who does all the faffing around buying cars, picking them up, insurance them, storing them, selling them on.
Saving Op money.

But I get the feeling the Mug won't be game for doing it all again for the CFs.

OldPerson · 17/05/2024 20:15

Sorry, what?

You put the responsibility of finding a good car deal on FIL - and then you get all hissy about what?

Who is insuring the car and for what?

Is ANYONE actually insuring the car?

Because if you're paying for insurance, you should know who's entitled to drive it and who is not.

This is the named driver insurance you need from the first time a driver collects the car.

I strongly suspect you buy a car for the hols, don't pay insurance, and know there is limited legal liability against you as you live abroad.

MadMadaMim · 17/05/2024 20:23

If you're not using the car, not even in the country - why can't BIL (or anyone else, for that matter) use the car?

I'd understand if it was your pride and joy and main cat but it's a cheap 2nd hand temporary car.

I'm with BIL/FIL on this one

Kjpt140v · 18/05/2024 04:32

Knittedfairies2 · 15/05/2024 21:27

Wouldn't it be cheaper and easier to hire a car for a month?

No, because they sell the car before going home.

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 18/05/2024 06:40

AllAtSeaAgain · 17/05/2024 19:05

I'd not bother contact FIL or BIL again, and I wouldn't be seeing them when I came to the UK. They both sound pathetically immature.

I'm guessing they need FIL more than he needs them. If they don't want to pay for a hire car I'm sure they're not paying for accommodation either and are dependent on their family putting them up for a month, or more, when they're home.

Jegersur · 18/05/2024 08:46

Kjpt140v · 18/05/2024 04:32

No, because they sell the car before going home.

Do they? It looks to me that they have to get FIL to sell the car once they have gone.

InterIgnis · 18/05/2024 08:48

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 18/05/2024 06:40

I'm guessing they need FIL more than he needs them. If they don't want to pay for a hire car I'm sure they're not paying for accommodation either and are dependent on their family putting them up for a month, or more, when they're home.

Bold assumptions there. It doesn’t particularly sound like they need FIL, considering they didn’t intend to involve him in the first place. There’s nothing to suggest they’re relying on him for accommodation either 🤷🏻‍♀️

Needanewname42 · 18/05/2024 08:51

How do they not need FIL who was going to collect the car and register it, if it wasn't FIL.
Also who was going to help FIL to collect the car if it wasn't BIL?

The Op doesn't even appear to know who was insured to drive it.

InterIgnis · 18/05/2024 08:59

Needanewname42 · 18/05/2024 08:51

How do they not need FIL who was going to collect the car and register it, if it wasn't FIL.
Also who was going to help FIL to collect the car if it wasn't BIL?

The Op doesn't even appear to know who was insured to drive it.

They didn’t intend to involve him in the first place, so I imagine they did have other plans. You can buy a car over the phone or online, then pay for it to be dropped off (OP’s mother was clearly willing to store it for them). It isn’t difficult.

The FIL offered and then thought that him doing them a favour meant he could dictate who used their car. The FIL could have saved them all time by making that clear upfront, and not just landing it on them when he thought he had them over a barrel.

Needanewname42 · 18/05/2024 10:11

It sounds like it was a private sale, or a very small used car dealer.

Your big dealers like Arnold Clark might get involved in Internet sales and delivery but they don't deal in cheap £2000 runabouts either.

InterIgnis · 18/05/2024 11:11

Needanewname42 · 18/05/2024 10:11

It sounds like it was a private sale, or a very small used car dealer.

Your big dealers like Arnold Clark might get involved in Internet sales and delivery but they don't deal in cheap £2000 runabouts either.

So? People sell cars on eBay, and you can hire someone to pick up and drop off independent of the seller. Again, not a big deal. FIL really wasn’t, and isn’t, needed.

Jegersur · 18/05/2024 11:54

InterIgnis · 18/05/2024 11:11

So? People sell cars on eBay, and you can hire someone to pick up and drop off independent of the seller. Again, not a big deal. FIL really wasn’t, and isn’t, needed.

But whose UK address are they using to insure, register and tax the car? These are compulsory.