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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu?! Leaving child with grandparents whilst we take siblings on holiday

155 replies

Sjgmumma · 15/05/2024 17:44

Bit of a back story. Ds is 15 and the middle child of 5. He has adhd.
we are going on holiday in a month, abroad. Same place we have been before. My eldest who is 20 is staying home but others are coming with us. 17, 12 and 6.
2 months ago we said to ds change your behaviour and attitude or you’re not coming on holiday. He kicked off last year whilst we was away.
his behaviour has got worse, at home and school.
Yesterday, we sat him down and spoke to him. Go to school, do your detention and straight home. He walked in at 5pm and told me he lost his tie and was looking for it.
I told him I’m due a telephone call from the assistant head so if he’s lying he better tell me now ( normally he lies for hours on end )
he admitted he wasn’t looking for his tie but walking home and around with his mates.
I am absolutely dreading taking him away. His behaviour, lying and stealing is off the charts. He has the most negative behaviour points in the entire school.
So am I the world’s worst mother if he loses the holiday as punishment?

OP posts:
FuzzyPuffling · 15/05/2024 17:46

Poor grandparents.

Octavia64 · 15/05/2024 17:47

Two points -

Who is going to look after him while you are away? it's hardly fair to ask the 20 year old

Secondly this is way too big a punishment/reward. He needs small steps.

VickyEadieofThigh · 15/05/2024 17:47

Octavia64 · 15/05/2024 17:47

Two points -

Who is going to look after him while you are away? it's hardly fair to ask the 20 year old

Secondly this is way too big a punishment/reward. He needs small steps.

Read the thread title...

Noname1000 · 15/05/2024 17:48

Yes it would make you a bad parent if he loses his holiday as a punishment.

Original poster
Sjgmumma · 15/05/2024 17:48

He would stay with his Nan and uncle. He goes there often as he goes to work with my brother, as he has a hands on job which my son enjoys.

we have done smaller steps. Taken his phone, his Xbox. Grounded. No spending money.
he doesn’t not care about punishments at home or at school.

OP posts:
Waffleson · 15/05/2024 17:51

Yes that's unreasonable, you are excluding him from the family. I honestly don't think this will improve his behaviour. What's behind his behaviour? Is he medicated for the ADHD?

Waffleson · 15/05/2024 17:53

Not coming home straight from school when you are 15 doesn't sound like a terrible crime, us there more to it? Is he getting in to trouble? Could he be involved with gangs etc?

Original poster
Sjgmumma · 15/05/2024 17:54

Waffleson · 15/05/2024 17:51

Yes that's unreasonable, you are excluding him from the family. I honestly don't think this will improve his behaviour. What's behind his behaviour? Is he medicated for the ADHD?

Unmedicated. We have been waiting 16 months so far for his medication.
He got himself into a different group of friends. This group previously threatened him, tried beating him up. But now he’s suddenly one of them. So has a tough man persona going on. He is failing every subject at school. But they just put him in isolation. Rather than figure out a way to deal with him. We have tried everything going as for rewards and punishments. His reply to why he is doing it is “don’t know, don’t care”

OP posts:
GeckoFeet · 15/05/2024 17:54

Very unreasonable to give him such a big consequence.

How much do you understand about ADHD?
What adaptions to your parenting style have you made for his ADHD?
Do you know that impulsivity is one of the main trains if ADHD?

Original poster
Sjgmumma · 15/05/2024 17:55

Waffleson · 15/05/2024 17:53

Not coming home straight from school when you are 15 doesn't sound like a terrible crime, us there more to it? Is he getting in to trouble? Could he be involved with gangs etc?

He goes messing about near the canals and rivers and into the forest. I don’t usually mind but last night he was told straight home. This was one of the conditions for trying to get him to follow rules.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sjgmumma · 15/05/2024 17:56

GeckoFeet · 15/05/2024 17:54

Very unreasonable to give him such a big consequence.

How much do you understand about ADHD?
What adaptions to your parenting style have you made for his ADHD?
Do you know that impulsivity is one of the main trains if ADHD?

I have adhd myself. I am very very aware of adhd. I am also autistic and have another child who is autistic.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sjgmumma · 15/05/2024 17:57

I would just like to add this behaviour is not just the past two months. This is when we asked him to make a change in his behaviour. This has been going on for the past 4 years.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 15/05/2024 17:58

he doesn’t not care about punishments at home or at school.

It depends on what you’re trying to achieve, given he doesn’t respond to punishment, excluding him from the holiday isn’t any more likely to change his behaviour.

bloodyplumbing · 15/05/2024 17:58

How do you a to anticipate the medication will help? Do you think it will improve his behaviour?

If you do he is being let down by the system and it's not his fault.

Empathy.

GeckoFeet · 15/05/2024 17:58

He needs to be included on a family holiday otherwise it's soul destroying. Do you actually think that excluding him from a holiday will help his behaviour? ....it will destroy your relationship with him.

Ponoka7 · 15/05/2024 17:58

Are you teaching him how to make changes and adapting things to how his ADHD affects him? Or just punishing him?

WhatNoRaisins · 15/05/2024 17:58

As long as you think his grandparents can cope with him. It sounds like you need a break from him, you sound at the end of your tether.

sprigatito · 15/05/2024 17:59

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing. Bugger the holiday! He needs his medication - I know how bad services are, but you have to keep pestering -, you need a meeting with school and to draw up a plan for supporting him there, and he needs to be included and accepted in the family, not ostracised. I have one very similar (mine is a bit older) and I know how hard it is, but the holiday isn't the issue here.

sesquipedalian · 15/05/2024 17:59

Does he want to come on holiday with you, or will he be happy with Uncle and Nan? Don’t make it a punishment - if I thought one of my DGC had been sent to mine as a punishment, I’d refuse to have them - I would want them to want to come and enjoy being here. If he’s happy to stay with them, and won’t feel excluded, that’s one thing, but if he wants to come on holiday, then find some other way of expressing your displeasure (and really, to come home at 5pm when you’re 15 is really not that big of a deal - I’d be much more put out by the fact that he lied about it.)

Original poster
Sjgmumma · 15/05/2024 17:59

bloodyplumbing · 15/05/2024 17:58

How do you a to anticipate the medication will help? Do you think it will improve his behaviour?

If you do he is being let down by the system and it's not his fault.

Empathy.

I genuinely don’t know. I got diagnosed whilst trying to get him the help with school as that’s been a major battle since he started nursery. So I’m also un medicated as we are both on the waitlist for medication.

OP posts:
Waffleson · 15/05/2024 17:59

It's possible that he cannot cope with the school environment, and it sounds like the school have written him off.

I think you need to read up on ADHD and try and see things from his perspective.

He might not show it but he needs his family on his side.

I have sympathy for you because I have a you ger child with ADHD and I have also worked with young people with ADHD, I know they can be very challenging but they also get written off as "bad kids", when in the right environment they can flourish.

What's he planning to do post GCSE - college? Apprenticeship?

livelovelough24 · 15/05/2024 18:00

I am very sorry OP and can only imagine how you may feel right now. Weather or not leaving him at home is a fair "punishment", I cannot say. I know that he would most likely mess up your holiday, but how comfortable are you leaving him behind? Will the grandparents be able to cope?

Original poster
Sjgmumma · 15/05/2024 18:01

sesquipedalian · 15/05/2024 17:59

Does he want to come on holiday with you, or will he be happy with Uncle and Nan? Don’t make it a punishment - if I thought one of my DGC had been sent to mine as a punishment, I’d refuse to have them - I would want them to want to come and enjoy being here. If he’s happy to stay with them, and won’t feel excluded, that’s one thing, but if he wants to come on holiday, then find some other way of expressing your displeasure (and really, to come home at 5pm when you’re 15 is really not that big of a deal - I’d be much more put out by the fact that he lied about it.)

Edited

It is the lying that has peed me off way more! I hate lying. I’m only annoyed that he didn’t get home till 5 because he was told straight home as one of his conditions of trying to make things better.
he loves going to his nans and uncles. But he does want to go on holiday.

OP posts:
Lmnop22 · 15/05/2024 18:02

I think if you’ve tried other punishments and you’re sure that this isn’t a situation where he is acting out as a result of some underlying reason like feeling left out, jealous of siblings, not getting enough individual attention etc which will be made worse by this action then maybe he needs this as a wake up call and it will make him realise that there are big consequences to his actions.

I would probably make it very clear you’re serious about your threat and give him another chance to comply but, ultimately, if you don’t follow through with threatened punishments, they lose all their force.

itsjustbiology · 15/05/2024 18:02

Maybe the stratergies you are trying to enforce are the wrong ones OP. I mean this with kindness , Maybe he needs more specialised help which I know you are waiting for. I think for now while you are waiting it might be better to ease up on expecting him to make positive changes,if he realistically cannot do it. It seems a struggle all ways round and I am sorry for all of you. The holiday thing though is a punishment too far and could cause more harm. Hope you all get some help soon.Go back to the GPs and see if they can help speed things along maybe?

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