Aibu?! Leaving child with grandparents whilst we take siblings on holiday

[Sjgmumma]

Bit of a back story. Ds is 15 and the middle child of 5. He has adhd.
we are going on holiday in a month, abroad. Same place we have been before. My eldest who is 20 is staying home but others are coming with us. 17, 12 and 6.
2 months ago we said to ds change your behaviour and attitude or you’re not coming on holiday. He kicked off last year whilst we was away.
his behaviour has got worse, at home and school.
Yesterday, we sat him down and spoke to him. Go to school, do your detention and straight home. He walked in at 5pm and told me he lost his tie and was looking for it.
I told him I’m due a telephone call from the assistant head so if he’s lying he better tell me now ( normally he lies for hours on end )
he admitted he wasn’t looking for his tie but walking home and around with his mates.
I am absolutely dreading taking him away. His behaviour, lying and stealing is off the charts. He has the most negative behaviour points in the entire school.
So am I the world’s worst mother if he loses the holiday as punishment?

Grandparents would cope. I don’t know how I would feel. I’m currently writing these replies crying my eyes out which I have been doing for the past week due to his behaviour.

As stated previously. I am adhd myself so I understand adhd. I have made so many changes for him. We swapped the bedrooms to give him his own space and made my two eldest share who are adults. But this was so he got his own room. We break everything down for him into smaller tasks.

What do you think would happen when you come home after your holiday if you don't take him?

He hates school and school have hundred percent wrote him off. I have had 76 meetings with them in three years. They just shove him in isolation. He wants to be a painter and decorator he is a hands on child rather than academic. He has an apprenticeship waiting for him with my brother

This is the one thing I can’t think of. My brain hurts. He can be the sweetest, most loving boy ever. But he has the need to impress the so called friends.

I've adhd myself and I say go and leave him behind. You've tried all you can and he's not engaging and behaving quite badly as well. He has to learn that actions have consequences adhd or not. In 3 years time he will be an adult what will he do then if his behaviour brings him to the attention of the police? They won't care about adhd

I dont think he is impressing his friends OP. It sounds like he is looking for reassurance and trying to fit in. Its so hard I know.

He's lying because he is impulsive and he doesn't want you to be angry. He decided to go to town with his mates on impulse, he decided to lie about it in impulse. He didn't think about the consequences. This is who he is.

I know it's hard to accept, I have one child who is a saint and another who lies constantly. But I would ask yourself how serious these lies are. Is he lying to avoid you being angry? If so, would a solution be to stop getting angry?

If the main problem is getting detentions, crap grades and being late home, those are not serious problems. If you think he's dealing drugs, carrying knives, being exploited by county lines - those are big problems.

If you push him away from you over issues like detentions, you make him much more vulnerable to being sucked in by gangs and making your problems a whole lot worse.

I’ve tried explaining it’s not just his adhd. He has threatened teachers. Bullied girls at school saying some vulgar things. Hit his younger siblings. As someone with adhd myself it’s not an excuse for some of his actions and behaviour

You’ll feel wretched when you set off on holiday with out him. You’re mad now but you’ll feel like shit if you actually go through with it. Then you’ll feel guilty when you get back and he will play up to that.

I’d actually have a sit down with him by yourself when no one is around and tell him how you’re feeling but in a non accusatory way. Let him now that your really sad that your actually feeling that you want to go away with out him because your worried he will spoil it for everyone else.

He is still in there you just have to find another route to reach him and that’s best done when your alone with him.

How do you think this will play out?

He gets upset at not being allowed to go.

You go

He deliberately pulls a stunt to get your attention.

You are then stuck in another country not able to get back stressing about him. Holiday ruined anyway.

Your other son and parents resent having to deal with him in your absence.

This won't end well...

If his school doesn't want him/can't cope with him can they not put him in for alternative provision (no idea what would be available in your area) he will at lest need basic maths and English for an apprenticeship.

While I appreciate you maybe feel like you need a break from him. Maybe ask him if he'd like to stay with his Nan and Uncle rather than push it as a punishment. Or take him on holiday with the family and send him to his Nan and Uncle for break separately. As I do appreciate that you sound like you need some rest bite.

Do you think he has PDA tendencies? If he does then strict rules won't help.

If he wants to do a painting and decorating apprenticeship with your brother I think leaving him with your brother might be good for him because he will know he will have to behave if he wants that apprenticeship. Your brother might take him to work with him and he could earn himself some money. I'd pitch that to your DS and tell him it's up to him to do a good job and not be a difficult person. He will probably flourish once away from school.

Can you try to go private for medication? While you're waiting. It could make such a difference.
Have you seen signs of something like ODD in his behaviour? I know you are diagnosed yourself OP but a teenage boy will present be try differently from an adult female.
It's really hard, but the holiday isn't the way to go about this.

Where is his father in all this?

If you are together, what is his view?

You will feel awful leaving him behind, and you and your other children will pay the price if he goes with you and ruins it. It is trying to find the least worst option.

Leaving him behind is the least worst I think, especially for his siblings who sound like they have to fart around him - changing bedrooms to suit him, being hit by him, seeing you upset because of him etc

Let their feelings coming first this time.

My child has adhd.

If he has an apprenticeship waiting for him with family then pull him out and homeschool him for maths and English gcse.

School will be having a massive negative impact especially if unmedicated.

I know you're hardly in need of any additional insight on ADHD, OP, but I do know some kids are just not receptive to punitive measures.

Given the current state of DS's behaviour that's an awful lot of responsibility to place upon the grandparents.

It seems an almost impossible dilemma. I feel for you.

His dad is very much involved, but works very long hours.
his behaviour is very very different for grandparents as they live 50 miles away so away from friends this end.
i haven’t looked into medication privately.
sorry for the short reply. I’ve brought myself to the bath as I’m just sat in tears.

Yeah you can't do that. If you're in England, look at right to choose for faster route to titration, it's on the ADHD website.

Where do they live? If they are local then I definitely wouldn't leave him behind near his terrible friends. Better to take him away from them and see if you can help him to reconnect with the family.

My biggest concern (depending on where grandparents etc live) is that with you all away he will have unfettered 24 hour access to this group of undesirable friends. Would school support a college 14-16 access course?

So you think rejecting a child with ADHD from the family holiday will resolve this ? Teach him a lesson?

Think you might need some support in understanding his behaviours.

You're at your wits' end but this is not a resolution.
However, if you KNOW that his behaviour will impact the holiday for everyone else then I suppose you've no option.

Be prepared for consequences if he's not invited.

If his ADHD is unmanaged that is bound to affect his general behaviour and how he reacts to things. Not saying it is just that but having ADHD is going to make things a whole lot worse its not as wasy as telling him to change his behaviour.

As someone with adhd myself it’s not an excuse for some of his actions and behaviour

ADHD presents entirely differently in different people. It’s not a one size fits all. He sounds in desperate need of medication to help with his impulsivity and temper. Im sorry you are facing such a wait to get it.

I’m not saying you should take him on holiday, but you absolutely shouldn’t ’punish’ him by leaving him at home. Likely a lot of this he just can’t help and, quite honestly, authoritarian punishments and ADHD often just don’t mix. Carry on like this and you’ll be lost in a never ending punishment spiral. If you do decide to leave him with grandparents it should be for respite for both you.