Aibu?! Leaving child with grandparents whilst we take siblings on holiday

[Sjgmumma]

Bit of a back story. Ds is 15 and the middle child of 5. He has adhd.
we are going on holiday in a month, abroad. Same place we have been before. My eldest who is 20 is staying home but others are coming with us. 17, 12 and 6.
2 months ago we said to ds change your behaviour and attitude or you’re not coming on holiday. He kicked off last year whilst we was away.
his behaviour has got worse, at home and school.
Yesterday, we sat him down and spoke to him. Go to school, do your detention and straight home. He walked in at 5pm and told me he lost his tie and was looking for it.
I told him I’m due a telephone call from the assistant head so if he’s lying he better tell me now ( normally he lies for hours on end )
he admitted he wasn’t looking for his tie but walking home and around with his mates.
I am absolutely dreading taking him away. His behaviour, lying and stealing is off the charts. He has the most negative behaviour points in the entire school.
So am I the world’s worst mother if he loses the holiday as punishment?

Can you go private to get the medication? That would surely be money well spent

Yes. A member sent me a link earlier on. However there is a shortage of medication I’ve read. So not sure if private have access to it if the nhs don’t.

I'd pull him out of school - doesn't sound like it's going to result in GCSEs and is only shoving him together with people who aren't a good influence. Is he year 11? Practical home education with your brother until he turns 16. Keep him really active. Take him on the holiday.

He is year 10. The issue with him going to my brother is he will be 50 miles away. So not local. Whilst this would get him away from the friendship circle it’s a long way to go.
ive been on the phone to the assistant head for an hour this evening. The school is massively damaging him. I’ve spoken to him about a school change, about home schooling. His reply is always the same “no, my mates won’t be there” “my girlfriend won’t be there”

Very much regretting posting on here. I’ve been accused of not liking nor loving my son which is absurd.
im a mum trying her best! Who didn’t know where to turn or get answers from regarding private medical treatment.

Ah okay, bit far. Although that's a good thing as far as keeping him out of this group.
Would him staying with your brother Monday-Friday work?

I think your ds needs an ADHD coach. And yes a lot of his behaviour is wrapped up in ADHD.

He will be self destructive. He will struggle with wanting to fit in. Low self esteem. Females typically present very differently.

I have it, my 13 yo Ds has it. It looks very different on us both.

Can I ask what resources you've been using?

Also since you have autism you will likely struggle with seeing things in black and white and being able to put yourself in his shoes.

A therapist can help you both.

Sorry you’re experiencing the negativity,OP.
Unfortunately MN has its own brand of internet bullies but if you can ignore them, it’s still a place where you can get valuable support and information. Try to focus on the positives.

Regarding private treatment, unfortunately the current shortage of adhd medication is down to manufacturing.

There isn’t enough of it due to a huge increase in people seeking diagnosis and treatment for adhd.

It makes no difference if it’s private or nhs.

It’s tricky. When you have a family and child(ren) have specials needs, you sometimes need to forgo traditional ways including “family holidays” or family days out. It’s not fair on any of the kids and you put everyone into a situation that you know won’t work for anyone. For this one time, take him. Next year arrange something that works for everyone, even if that is a separate break for adhd child and a parent. We have additional needs in our family and have sacked off some traditional pressures including eating meals at the table together. This is because it was miserable for everyone and the only person who couldn’t change behaviour and didn’t care that this was miserable (EVERY SINGLE DAY) was the child with adhd. We cut our losses and eat together as family approx 2 d weekly (for meals that we know adhd child and rest of family will engage in and not make it a misery. For example “pizza and movie Fridays” “ “taco Tuesdays” where table manners and clearing plates are not so much of an issue). However we always offer to eat together (adhd child chooses to take meal to room) Maybe we are wrong in our approach , but right now it feels right and life is so much more pleasant. I wouldn’t attempt to take adhd child on certain types of holidays. Have found holidays that he does love..running competitors, hiking, other physical activities (water parks, themed parks) but he hates 1. All day on a tropical beach for several days in a row 2. Sitting in restaurants for leisurely meals. So we have to think about his needs, our enjoyment and our our other children’s happiness. It is shit at times but we are finding our ways.
YUBU to use this punishment now, just wouldn’t even attempt such holidays in future. Would your DC even see this as a punishment? Maybe he would be delighted to stay at home. I would use access to phone, money, late nights as instant punishments. Persons with Adhd understand and learn from instant NOW actions and consequences much better than time distant consequences. He might behave angelically in the days leading up to the holiday and will not link this as a suitable punishment for past bad behaviour (and you will starting feeling guilty and doubting your decision).

I think he should definitely be staying at home, a holiday is a privilege and clearly he has no respect for you and rules

His behaviour as a teenager with adhd does not sound uncommon... Just because you have it does not mean it presents in the same way.. especially as you are an adult who got to adult hood before diagnosis...
Whilst his presented early..
Not recognising consequences is a trait of all teens exacerbated by adhd .....
Hes lying as doesn't want more aggravation from you ... Again common for teens exacerbated by adhd...
It sounds like the focus is all on whats wrong with insufficient recognition of teen+adhd+ shit support from school or nhs..
I would be trying to keep your relationship with him first n foremost... I would take him on holiday... Otherwise it sounds like you are punishing him for having adhd.... And being a teen
Your expectations of his emotional and cognitive capacity seem too high... Its fab he has work to go to school is just to get through until then...

Because he is disabled...by ADHD.

He can't stop being neurodivergent.
He can't stop being a teenager right now

It's a million times harder for him. No impulse control. 15 is shit as well as testosterone is kicking in big time. His brain is undergoing a complete rewire...

Behaviour points? If he is getting so many it is likely that school do not have adequate support in place for him. Suggest meeting with the Sendco to put in place an IEP.

However, he might prefer to stay at Nan's as it is more familiar.

Have you tried shit loads of caffeine? Does he calm down a bit with that? (Double blind it and get someone to give him either caffeinated or uncaffeinated coke and see if there is a difference)

There's been a study that shows the harsher the punishments for bad behaviour are, the better the child is at lying

Yes he has to learn but if he doesn't care about punishments what fucking use are they? And they might make things worse as there's no point. Find something that does work. (Break the day into small chunks of time and praise good behaviour or attempts at self control? So he hasn't fucked the whole day by 9am. There is still something to play for. Earning back a privilege worked for one of mine)

Oh and I'm really sorry school are so.shit with support.

I would consider pulling him out if you can. I'd also consider going to.syay up.near your mum away from his dodgy friends.

@Sjgmumma Name calling? ! Very mature. How ironic.

That child is crying out for you. Be there for him

It sounds like he needs more connection time with his family, not less.

Punishments/rewards are not working, by your own admission, so I think you need to break the cycle of brandishing threats which aren't going to achieve anything other than damaging your relationship.

Leaving him out of a family holiday could be experienced as a massive rejection which you'd both find it really hard to come back from. Don't risk it.

You sound really frustrated but like you want to be his ally and support. Hopefully he'll be able to see that too. Maybe a bit of decompression time on holiday in a different setting will give you the opportunity to reset a few things?

Exactly this!!

There is a shortage of medication.

What this means in practice is that you take your prescription and start ringing round the pharmacies until you find one that has it in and then you go there.

Surely you just google “private ADHD treatment options” or similar.

What @Howdidtheydothat said.

We take a similar approach.

You have to parent the child you have.

This FFS.

The school is massively damaging him. I’ve spoken to him about a school change, about home schooling. His reply is always the same “no, my mates won’t be there” “my girlfriend won’t be there”

Both the school and you as parent need to recognise that this school placement has broken down. If he really is spending a large proportion of his time in isolation the school need to admit that they cannot cope and are failing him. It shouldn't be up to him.

It's probably too late for you to get him support via an EHCP now but you could speak to your local SENDIASS and see what they advise. I'm not sure if he is in y10 or y11 but you may find he copes better in an FE college.

No advice OP but sorry your going through this, your doing a damned good job, stay strong, i hope things ease up for you. 💐

Why would you even book an overseas holiday with all this going on? A UK-basked activity holiday would be such a better idea. Get him away from the friends.