Aibu?! Leaving child with grandparents whilst we take siblings on holiday

[Sjgmumma]

Bit of a back story. Ds is 15 and the middle child of 5. He has adhd.
we are going on holiday in a month, abroad. Same place we have been before. My eldest who is 20 is staying home but others are coming with us. 17, 12 and 6.
2 months ago we said to ds change your behaviour and attitude or you’re not coming on holiday. He kicked off last year whilst we was away.
his behaviour has got worse, at home and school.
Yesterday, we sat him down and spoke to him. Go to school, do your detention and straight home. He walked in at 5pm and told me he lost his tie and was looking for it.
I told him I’m due a telephone call from the assistant head so if he’s lying he better tell me now ( normally he lies for hours on end )
he admitted he wasn’t looking for his tie but walking home and around with his mates.
I am absolutely dreading taking him away. His behaviour, lying and stealing is off the charts. He has the most negative behaviour points in the entire school.
So am I the world’s worst mother if he loses the holiday as punishment?

You say you adore him with every fibre of your being not taking him will make him think you don't love him. No matter what you tell him otherwise.

@Sjgmumma would you consider going private to get him on some medication? Sounds like it would be worth every penny.

Absolutely! I just didn’t know where to go. I now have a link from another member that I’m going to speak to them tomorrow.

The issue with medication probably isn't due to NHS, there has been a nationwide shortage of ADHD medication for over 6 months due to manufacturing/importing issues so going private won't necessarily help unfortunately

And how would this improve his behaviour? Maybe cancel the holiday and start saving for the therapy that he's going to need.

If you can afford private treatment why have you been waiting for the NHS while his behaviour spirals out of control?

Because I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t know what to do.

Personally I wouldn't leave him to his own devices at this time. Sounds like he needs his parents. (Although I completely understand the desire for a break.)

I think this is a bad idea and going to make him feel more unloved and ultimately worse behaviours to follow

He doesn’t feel unloved so the term more unloved is a bit unnecessary.

You can’t treat ADHD by punishing your child.

Can you access some ADHD coaching for you as parents? There are some great people out there who can help with parenting children with ADHD.

It might have been prudent to start a MN thread asking for advice on that a while ago!

i don’t think you can reasonably exclude him from a family holiday. Would probably do him some good to be away from those arsehole “friends”.

I would also think about homeschooling. Sounds like he’s fallen in with the bad crowd to avoid being targeted by them.

A few thoughts.

1. if he’s going to be hugely upset about the holiday, is that fair to leave grandparent to deal with?
2. You mention he was previously bullied by this gang and is now part of it. That’s self preservation. Whatever punishment you suggest won’t be as bad as the fear of being beaten up/falling on the wrong side of the gang - so it won’t work.
3. ADHD is literally characterised by impulsivity. It’s great you are giving him the message it doesn’t define him and he can be who he wants to be - but it does legitimately impact upon his behaviour. Is it fair to punish for this? Although equally as he gets older, the police won’t make allowances for ADHD if his behaviour escalates that way.

I don’t envy you the decision. You know he will negatively impact the family holiday; but not bringing him could send him further down a negative path of getting more distant from you and closer to peers who are a bad influence.

I think part of the problem here is that you can’t seem to imagine how it feels to be him

Omg yes! Same as dd if someone wrongs her unfairly that's it pure hatred for them. Sometimes I think her behaviour can come from that type of thinking. If she takes my tone of voice wrong she blows up. I have to mindful to not be accusatory and hear her side 1st. I'm starting to let the little things go. I read that adhd people feel rejection harder than most. So they'll lie/try harder to not feel rejected but sometimes it just seems like she wants to push everyone away.
Dd is on melatonin when you get meds sorted ask for it to help sleep. Dd is on a active medication in the morning and a slow release one at night makes the world of difference. It does affect her appetite so we do breaks during holidays to keep her wieght up.

Keep fighting! it's a long process. I understand where your coming from.

I would think very carefully before excluding him from your family holiday. I understand how annoyed you are with him but leaving him out of the holiday may irretrievably damage your relationship with him. It sounds like he has had problems fitting in with his peers and this new group of friends has given him a sense of belonging even though they aren't a good influence on his behaviour. I know it's hard to be positive when teens behaviour is so difficult but it's really true that they need your love the most when they're at their most unloveable. I'd take him on holiday and use it as an opportunity to put your home problems aside and try to reconnect with him.

I think it would be unforgivable to go away without him . Poor kid needs love, support and understanding. Find a better way to be with him

Sounds like he's in the wrong school , look at alternative provision schools ?

Would you/he consider trying melatonin to help with sleep? A gp can prescribe it, and it just helps get off to sleep so you don’t get groggy like with sleeping pills.

Is there any kind of exercise he likes? The holy grail for teens with adhd is to combine exercise and hyperfixation for their benefit. Exercise brings some of the same benefits as medication.

At this point I think the main purpose of leaving him behind is to carry through on what you said, rather than any expectation he will change his ways. I think the negatives outweigh the benefit exponentially. It wasn’t the right tactic to choose.

How would he respond to you sitting him down (I have these discussions in the car or walking) and telling him that? Your tactics aren’t working. You want him to be safe, healthy, happy, thriving but you don’t know how to get there. Tell him you love him deeply, you are fighting FOR him but you’re not trying to fight him.

But also be open to the possibility that he just might have his sights set on a break with his gps, away from his friends. That could be what he needs. Maybe he can’t break free by himself.

You really don't like him, do you? Poor kid is crying out for help and you're just ignoring it and punishing the bad. Poor, poor lad.

@Theothername GP's cannot prescribe it, only Paediatricians can. A GP can liaise with a paediatrician to have it prescribed (then subsequent repeat prescriptions can be issued by GP) but only if the child is already 'under' said paediatrician

Adhd in women is miles away from how it presents in a teenage boy so the fact you have managed does not mean you ubderstand his ADHD or the adjustments he needs. The things he is doing wrong are things he cannot do because he hasn't been medicated or given effective strategies - this is not deliberate rule breaking. You'd be punishing him for not running with a broken leg, basically.

No, don’t leave him behind. Potential for making him worse with internalised anger.
My DD has adhd and I know medication has made a huge difference to her life so it will likely help your ds when he eventually gets it.

I think the best you can do at present is show love, understanding and offer support. Hard as it must be for you.
Is he getting any other form of therapy ?

I know it completely different. But also some of his behaviour is not adhd. It is him being an unruly teenage boy.