Aibu?! Leaving child with grandparents whilst we take siblings on holiday

[Sjgmumma]

Bit of a back story. Ds is 15 and the middle child of 5. He has adhd.
we are going on holiday in a month, abroad. Same place we have been before. My eldest who is 20 is staying home but others are coming with us. 17, 12 and 6.
2 months ago we said to ds change your behaviour and attitude or you’re not coming on holiday. He kicked off last year whilst we was away.
his behaviour has got worse, at home and school.
Yesterday, we sat him down and spoke to him. Go to school, do your detention and straight home. He walked in at 5pm and told me he lost his tie and was looking for it.
I told him I’m due a telephone call from the assistant head so if he’s lying he better tell me now ( normally he lies for hours on end )
he admitted he wasn’t looking for his tie but walking home and around with his mates.
I am absolutely dreading taking him away. His behaviour, lying and stealing is off the charts. He has the most negative behaviour points in the entire school.
So am I the world’s worst mother if he loses the holiday as punishment?

This. I honestly don't understand how money is no object but this child has according to you been struggling for YEARS.

I think one of the hardest thing with my ND teens is working out what is ND and what is just normal teen behaviour.

But all the qualities you have described in your son are at the end of the adhd spectrum - he has poor impulse control, poor decision making, emotional disregulation. He’s been rejected by his school and he is seeking acceptance with a friendship group so lying etc.

If both you and your son have adhd - a psychiatrist diagnosed you both. And that psychiatrist would have offered meds so best to go back to them and discuss this for your son I feel.

as you know the prob with adhd is we have trouble organising things and it is tricky to have adhd and try and sort out someone else’s adhd. Do you have a partner you can ask to sort out the meds for your son?

this kid is off the rails but I don’t think more severe punishments will bring him back

he needs mini rewards for very small steps of progress

one of the things I learnt in a parenting course is it’s important kids are offered an opportunity to redeem themselves and over turn punishments with specified good behaviour. They need to know if they change they will get Rewarded.

OP

My DD15 has ADHD

1. Google private assessments and specialists in your area then look at which clinic they practice at

2. Priory clinics are good for this if there is one near you. I use the one in Oxford for my daughter they have been amazing

3. medication isn't in that short supply I have managed to get ours

4. do not punish your son by not taking him, this is not the right answer

5. mainstream schools are usually shit for ND kids, the sheer noise and class sizes are overwhelming

6. talk to him, find out what overwhelms him and what his decompression tactic is, what makes him feel safe and calm....use this.

7. I have no words for how shit your DS school is, I'd be going to the governors and ofsted at this point

I really feel for you. The anxiety surrounding having a ND is debilitating for the parent. It’s infuriating exhausting and devastating with a side order of extreme guilt, love and sincere compassion. I’m not saying it’s not hard for the child before the vipers start, but as the parent it’s bloody tough too.

You have had a hard time on here, likely by those that don’t understand. Take it with a pinch of salt.

Perhaps not taking him on holiday will do you the power of good; relax your brain for a short whilst preparing for the next hurdle. If you’re sure the grandparents/uncle will cope? It might do you all some good to get some space.

It’s unlikely to make a jot of difference to your sons behaviour in terms of a ‘punishment’ but it might just stop you from breaking.

You are an expert on YOUR ADHD but his might be different so it is worth reading up on it.

Just a thought, maybe he doesn't want to go on holiday with you, maybe that is why he is pushing your buttons so you ban him from the trip.