Aibu?! Leaving child with grandparents whilst we take siblings on holiday

[Sjgmumma]

Bit of a back story. Ds is 15 and the middle child of 5. He has adhd.
we are going on holiday in a month, abroad. Same place we have been before. My eldest who is 20 is staying home but others are coming with us. 17, 12 and 6.
2 months ago we said to ds change your behaviour and attitude or you’re not coming on holiday. He kicked off last year whilst we was away.
his behaviour has got worse, at home and school.
Yesterday, we sat him down and spoke to him. Go to school, do your detention and straight home. He walked in at 5pm and told me he lost his tie and was looking for it.
I told him I’m due a telephone call from the assistant head so if he’s lying he better tell me now ( normally he lies for hours on end )
he admitted he wasn’t looking for his tie but walking home and around with his mates.
I am absolutely dreading taking him away. His behaviour, lying and stealing is off the charts. He has the most negative behaviour points in the entire school.
So am I the world’s worst mother if he loses the holiday as punishment?

Your whole thread is an absolute case study in how young people with severe hyperactive ADHD are so badly failed by the system. I don’t necessarily blame the school as they are probably clinging on by fingernails as well, but putting him in time out again and again is ruining his education and fundamentally, just not working to stop the behaviour. Does he have any CAMHs input or talking therapy?

It seems cruel to exclude him from the holiday and it's likely to make his behaviour worse, not better. He will feel rejected, I don't think that's going to achieve anything other than making him less likely to respect your opinion.

absolutely nothing. The school wouldn’t even put an ehcp in place as “he isn’t bad enough” sendiass I have rang hundreds of times and get nowhere

The school wouldn’t even put an ehcp in place as “he isn’t bad enough”

I would absolutely challenge this. A child who is on track for no GCSEs, is regularly removed from lessons and is showing severe behaviour issues to other people sounds very worthy of an EHCP. Are you in touch with the school SENCO? Did you take it further at point of rejection of EHCP?

I feel for your other children having their holiday ruined if he does go. They matter as much as he does. You do too but they get no say in anything.

If the rest of the family need a break and he finds holidays more stressful than being at home then leaving him with family is fine.

Our last meeting I challenged him as he never sends me reports about ds. I also asked “if your wife asked you to cook dinner, start it in the kitchen then continue to finish it in the bathroom, could you do this?” He said no. So I asked how he expected ds to get any education when he is removed from 4 out of 5 lessons per day.

Sorry, YABVVVU - this is not how you manage and change the behaviour of a neurodivergent child. In fact it is quite the opposite.

So why is he still in school??

Please him out of school. Home school him. Let him start his apprenticeship early then home school him to make sure he passes GCSEs in maths and English.

I'm a teacher and one of my now Y11s did this towards the end of Y10 and does brick laying. He comes into school for 1 to 1 sessions in maths, English and science and will sit just those GCSEs. He hated school but doing very well in his job.

This! It doesn't sound like you have tried to help him with strategies for his ADHD, he must likely needs medication. My child is ADHD and ASD and lack of understanding of consequences and impulsiveness is a huge issue. Rewards and punishment also don't work for many ND children.

If my 15 year old was unmedicated for a medical condition which was negatively impacting his life I would be spending my money on private health care not holidays.

This.

I think you should aak him if he wants to come. Talk to him about how it went last year. Try talking to him without begging him to change, just try and find out whats going on with him.
Does he understand why you need more reliability.

I would take him on holiday if he wants to come

Apply for an ehcp yourself. You don't need to wait for the school to do this, and it's not their decision. It's the LA's.

Ime he needs a new school.. Him in isolation is very damaging. Very very damaging to his mh... Read up on it. Even without SN he needs moved.

Don't leave him behind.
eta: And do take him out of school, let him work with his uncle.
I'm autistic with adhd, too. Relationships are very challenging. But we've given birth to people and they need us on their side.

I say leave him at home, especially if you think he will ruin it for the others. It’s not fair on them if he gets all the attention.

Otherwise there are actually no consequences for his actions - how is that preparing him for adult life?

According to others in the thread I shouldn’t be giving punishments and need to learn about adhd.
Im adhd and autistic myself. Not everything he is doing is down to his adhd.

My opinion. (And this is coming from someone who doesn't have a teenager or a child with adhd so feel free to ignore!)

I was a child who fell in with the wrong crowd. The best thing my parents did was wrap me up in family life. Made home life safe, fun, happy so I wanted to stay around them more. Sibling day trips, shopping with cousins , games night, home cook pizza night etc.

I think the worst thing you can do is push him away and towards the bad crowd.

Have a read up on conduct disorder -having ADHD makes CD more likely and some of the behaviours you mention sound like it could be a possibility.

But he didn't lie. He told you the truth after a minute.

Nail on head OP.

I've got an adult son with severe ADHD.

Personality is also at play here.
Sometimes you've got to put your other children first,or this will cause massive issues later in their life. (ask me how I know)

He's expecting you to take him on holiday, so the shock of you not taking actually taking him, shows your strong boundaries.

The trouble is living with the emotional impact, on you.

It's unfortunate but if your son loses something as important as a holiday, it may be the one thing that helps modify his behaviour. I hope for the best outcome for you, op.

Agree with @Waffleson

It sounds like school really isn't his thing & also he is unmedicated. Try to imagine being made to go back to the same place every day to be told off & made to feel like you're rubbish. I imagine once he is out of there he will improve. I personally would not punish a child because they weren't able to manage school.

I think it would be setting him up to fail if his reward of coming on holiday is based on whether he can sit & work sensibly in school. You say you have ADHD but I think it presents differently in boys. I doubt he is intentionally being a twat 🤷🏻‍♀️

I can completely see where you’re coming from and your frustrations and reasons for considering him missing the holiday. But I also wonder whether a holiday with his family away from home life/school stress/friendship influences could help him reconnnect with you, your DH and other DC and improve relationships possibly… as well as some time away from stuff at school etc could break the negative cycle a bit with something positive like the holiday and make memories together where he’s not constantly in trouble for something

not sure if that makes sense how I’ve written it