Aibu?! Leaving child with grandparents whilst we take siblings on holiday

[Sjgmumma]

Bit of a back story. Ds is 15 and the middle child of 5. He has adhd.
we are going on holiday in a month, abroad. Same place we have been before. My eldest who is 20 is staying home but others are coming with us. 17, 12 and 6.
2 months ago we said to ds change your behaviour and attitude or you’re not coming on holiday. He kicked off last year whilst we was away.
his behaviour has got worse, at home and school.
Yesterday, we sat him down and spoke to him. Go to school, do your detention and straight home. He walked in at 5pm and told me he lost his tie and was looking for it.
I told him I’m due a telephone call from the assistant head so if he’s lying he better tell me now ( normally he lies for hours on end )
he admitted he wasn’t looking for his tie but walking home and around with his mates.
I am absolutely dreading taking him away. His behaviour, lying and stealing is off the charts. He has the most negative behaviour points in the entire school.
So am I the world’s worst mother if he loses the holiday as punishment?

You don't exclude a child from a family event as a punishment!

Honestly, I would rather not even bother going on a holiday than go with the potential of having to monitor a badly behaved teen. Give him a window of say two weeks to start behaving, making sure he understands the consequences of him not being invited on the holiday if he screws up. Is there nothing you can take away as punishment? Such as phone or gaming equipment? I only had to threaten mine with confiscation of his Xbox and he would behave.

Yes, it would.

Think what you have to remember is that everyone with adhd won't react in the same way, and change of mindset, he's not doing it to upset you.
If he's with a gang that bullied him I'd think that was massively making 'to fit in' less likely to be picked on if your in the gang.
Removal if electronics, although devastating when it happens, is not effective in getting improved behaviour in our house, because he doesn't choose to misbehave on purpose.
We are currently working on very repetitive expectations so hopefully he'll pick it up.

Can you look into him moving to college and concentrating just on maths English and decorating? Are school aware that he has an apprenticeship lined up?

How about paying for treatment privately rather than going on holiday?

I would seriously consider removing him from school and supporting him to take the three GCSEs remotely whilst starting his apprenticeship. It sounds likes he’s in the most toxic place at school.

Have you tried him on cbd oil, Ive seen that mentioned as a help?

This is classic adhd.

It usually ends in the teen crashing out of school due to impulsivity which the school see as disruption. Sounds like your son is a long way down that path.

Take him on the holiday or don't.

The school is doing a lot more damage because the relationship there has gone. He doesn't have anywhere he can be successful so he's looking to bad peer groups.

Look at whether you can get him out of the school. Would they agree to keep him on roll and send out tutors first baths and English? Or you could look at college courses for 14-16. You do need to try to find something he can be successful at because otherwise this ends in either him dropping out of school and self harming or dropping out of school and harming others.

This.

There will be no way back from it. You'll have lost all connection with him for good. It's not worth it. It won't have the desired effect, it will make things so much worse. FAR worse than the initial blip of having not gone through with a threat (which isn't ideal)

When I first began reading this my immediate reaction was YANBU.

If he was just downright disrespectful, giving you a hard time , messing around at school etc and you had tried and this was a big step to show him actions have consequences- then I would agree with you .

However - it seems he has a lot going on and I think you need to step back and look past the behaviour at all the different parts at play here .

Firstly , he had ADHD and is unmedicated. This is a lot for a hormonal 15 year old to deal with.

Secondly - and concerning - is his group of friends and his behaviour since he began being friends with them. He’s clearly trying to impress them and it sounds like it’s out of fear . They have previously beat him up and now he’s acting like them - this is concerning ! He’s clearly scared and feels the only way he can be “safe” is to act like them and impress them . This could lead him down a dark path , depending on what type of things these kids do , it’s already leading him to act out at school .

I think in this case if you punish him in this extreme way you could push him to become resentful of you and push him closer to a group that, really , you need him away from .

I would be chatting to the school about your concerns here and seeing if they can offer some support and see the time away on holiday as time away from them

I don't think it's unreasonable of you to punish your son by not allowing him to go on holiday but if his behaviour is that bad, I think it's unreasonable to expect his grandparents to look after him while you're away.

I'm on the fence with this one. I have an ASD child too, I know how hard it is. You defiantly sound like you could do with a break from him. Not sure if taking the holiday away as punishment will just push him further away? You do also have other children to consider who in all likely hood also need a break from him. It's a hard one, hope you find some answers

It depends on what you’re trying to achieve, given he doesn’t respond to punishment, excluding him from the holiday isn’t any more likely to change his behaviour.

It does sound as though the other people on the holiday would be more likely enjoy their holiday, though, without OP's DS there to kick off again.

Clearly most here take a different view, but mine is that it would be fair enough for OP not to take him. He and his feelings don't trump everybody else and their feelings.

Very mean to leave him out , you just dont want him there

I could've written this post my dd 15 has adhd and is a fucking nightmare. Stealing lying sneaking out at night. Punching holes in doors. Throwing things ect. we are currently on day whatever for bans/grounding ect. Punishment does not work for her. I still haven't found the thing that works yet though we are working through it. Rewards seem to be a bigger motivator. She wants a festival in August and we've had 3 days of minor behaviour I'm not looking for perfect but it's still hard going. She is medicated and you can tell the difference. She is also starting therapy with a psychotherapist.

Also how's his sleep? When dd hasn't slept well all hell breaks loose.

Very accusatory of you. I adore my son. With every fibre of my being. I have been fighting the school system for 12 years to get him help. All whilst having physical and mental disabilities myself as well as other children and teachers ne who is autistic.
This isn’t about not wanting him there at all. This is about the other children also. They have feelings.
Ds isn’t just his diagnosis. He isn’t just adhd. Same with me. I am not just my illness.

To those commenting about not having the holiday and getting him medication. I don’t have to choose. I can fund both.
i struggle massively with doctors and getting him support. I have no idea how to go private to get this sorted. Money is not the issue here.

Sleep is horrendous then probably once a week he crashes and burns. Then I get the most amazing boy back.
Ds is very reward drive . He’s also very hands on, so if I was to say hey, fancy earning a fiver? Cut the grass, he will do it. May take him a while as he gets distracted. But he loves to please people. But once he has decided he doesn’t like a person. He will be the biggest ass to them.

OP, my DD13 fits the classic profile of ADHD (is going thru the dx process now at CAMHS but there's a long waiting list. So meds are not an option). Have had so much trouble with school, they tried to write her off and only now are finally putting in accommodations.

I would very much recommend Sarah Templeton's book, "How Not to Murder Your ADHD Kid"

It was a game changer for me, moved from punishments to more reward based options. Lest this sound like I have everything handled, I do not!! I have days where I cry. But I firmly believe that making my kid feel part of the family has helped her make better decisions. I wouldn't leave your son behind. I would let him see your emotions on this and tell him your reasoning, but school for an ADHD kid seems so awful these days with all the bloody rules and punishments.

If money is not a problem then book a private appointment with for example these guys and get him medicated.

https://www.adhdcertify.co.uk/pricing?gadsource=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIz4eDDb6QhgMVfZJQBh3DygKxEAAYASAAEgKj1PDBwE

My DD got a private appointment in a month and was medicated the next day.

The medications are private prescriptions which is about 70 quid a time.

Thank you.

But he's not just missing out on a holiday is he - he is being rejected by his family. You are setting crazy punishments. Parenting 101 the punishment has to fit the behaviour and don't threaten something you can't deliver without traumatizing them.
I have ADHD too - I think you need to stop setting him up to fail. You can not have the same expectations for him as your other kids.

I think it’s fair enough. He was warned but hadn’t listened. Actions have consequences. Why should he get to ruin the holiday for everyone else

Believe me I don’t. All my children are individuals with different goals in life and different expectations in what they want.
How am I setting him up for failure?
I tell him daily he can achieve whatever he puts his mind and heart to. That adhd doesn’t determine who he is or who he will become in adult life.