Could you put up with this level of personal hygiene?

[podcastobsessed]

Since COVID my partner has been full time WFH so out of a steady routine. He consistently goes for 3/4 days without showering (doesn't have a wash at the sink or anything either as far as I'm aware). Showering on the 3rd day would actually be a good week. During covid I am pretty sure there was a time he didn't shower for almost 2 weeks with once a week being the norm. He doesn't do much exercise except walking and some gardening etc. He has improved after my "nagging" but when I bring it up at all now he shuts me down and tells me he's not a child and knows when to shower. If I do "nag" him, he will purposely go longer without showering. Many times he says he's going to shower tonight and I can tell he hasn't. He also sleeps naked and the thought of it makes me sick sharing a bed. Sex life is dying as I just don't want it anymore even when he has just showered as all I can think of is how disgusting he was before that. On top of this he smokes so I feel like the house / clothes smell of that too. I miss having a nice clean house. I'm not sure what I can do?! AIBU or neurotic here?

Run, OP. Not long left a smelly partner who insisted that he didn't stink even though he exercised vigorously every day and never showered. Final straw for me was him expecting me to go down there, and when he pulled down his boxers, the stench was so bad I dry heaved. He had the fucking cheek to blame the smell on my freshly washed clothes hanging on the dryer in the other corner of the bedroom. Absolutely disgusting that some people think it's okay to be so dirty. Never washed his towels either. And he wonders why I left!

My ex husband was like this. He was very active - cycled to and from work hard, went running a lot. He would come home from work literally dripping with sweat but if he was planning to run the next morning he would refuse to shower after work as he thought it was ridiculous to shower twelve hours apart.

It didn't matter how much I explained that the smell was disgusting to me, it didn't matter that I would beg him to shower before bed as I'd just changed the sheets, it didn't matter if I had to wash the sheets every day because they smelled grim.

I really relate to you lying awake not knowing how to bring it up, as you know that if you bring it up then he will just dismiss you, or accuse you of being critical or unkind. But the alternative is to just deal with this constant unpleasant sensory sensation.

There's a reason I'm saying ex here! And when I started to realise that my wishes and preferences and comforts were completely worthless to him, the more I saw it in many areas of the relationship. Are you sure this is the only area where he dismisses your (very reasonable) wishes?

Ewwwww sorry but the thought of having a partner like this is repulsive!

At the very least I would be sleeping in a separate bed.

Personally I would be ending the relationship!

I was on the fence but hearing that he also smokes was the nail in the coffin. If he is not showering or washing I imagine his dental health isn't great?

I do think you need to be empathetic here as well though. Personal hygiene IME is intrinsically linked to mental health.

@podcastobsessed my partner has had depression in the past and one of the things is that he doesn’t shower. But I tell him he’s gone two days without a shower, before he smells and only 2 days and he has one and is genuinely grateful that I notice and help him. 5 days without a shower is rank.

Yeh it’s the smell, the laziness but also the disregard for her as she’s told him how she feels & he’s not arsed.

My ex husband did this when he was off work for a week once.
Didn't wash, didn't shave, didn't shower or bathe. Then took huge umbrage when l refused to have sex with him. And that was just one week, not like your partner.
Regardless of his reasons, OP, you are in no way being unreasonable to find this unacceptable. I doubt many of us would want to share a bed with someone reeking of sweat, smoke and worse.
It's his choice to behave this way, of course. But frankly, if he won't appreciate or care how it makes you feel, he's not worth being in a relationship with.
He sounds like the more he thinks you 'nag' the more he'll dig his heels in and wallow in his own filth, which is so childish and controlling.
It's unhygienic and beyond disrespectful to you. I'd be walking, I'm afraid.
Someone who loves and respects you doesn't treat you like this.

Thanks for the response. Loads of people have said it’s horrid. Don’t know why you have singled out my comment tbh.
You do you tbh

No kids? No reason to stay. I would leave. It’s disgusting. Why would you stay with someone who repulses you.

You are not clean at all. Top and tail is truly disgusting 🤢

"Do you think there is a MH element to this or is it just that he lacks discipline?"

Alternatively, I think he's a filthy, selfish bastard.

I’d leave, no question

This would be a dealbreaker for me, personal hygiene (or lack of) is a valid reason to breakup.

The fact he knows it bothers you and does nothing about it, yet showers on holiday for everyone else shows that he values you less than the general public. You can do better than someone who behaves like this.

I WFH and I still shower every day. Because I'm normal 😂. I'd be sending him to sleep in the spare room/ sofa until he bucks his ideas up. Do you seriously want to live like this?

Do you have a spare room op?

Id be sleeping in there.

If he asked why I was sleeping in the spare room then I would simply say “because you smell.”

Nothing else to say is there?

I wouldn’t be having sex. At all. Ultimately I’d leave the relationship.

A daily shower is a basic requirement for me. Honestly, I'd leave him.

Yes, this. I dont know anyone who would happily stay with someone who had poor personal hygiene and didnt wash themselves. It's unpleasant and you can smell them. Its nothing personal to them specifically, we would all smell bad if we didnt wash regularly - its the nature of being human.

I could not stay with someone who didnt wash- it's vile. If you want to not wash, then live alone and dont expect to get intimate when you reek of BO, cheese dick and old cigarettes. vomits

Me too, but OP's DP doesn't wash either. Completely different.

Amazed you need to ask.

I couldn’t tolerate this at all. And what is he saying to you? ‘I couldn’t give a shit about you, so don’t care that I’m subjecting you to my disgustingness’.

You aren't clean and I suspect your " natural" smell is unpleasant

My inlaws used to say the same especially as we lose our sense of smell the older we get. My mil used to talk about how fil never sweat

When they would stay with us I had to air out their room for days the BO smell was so bad. They couldn't smell themselves at all and it was heinous

Can concur with this. I know people who proudly proclaim they dont sweat and "never smell" and only need to shower once a week.

I can tell you that they do smell, they smell bad, and its obvious to everyone around them, I've seen their reactions!

What is his MH like?

I know when mine starts dipping then I stop making so much effort when it comes to hygiene (even though a shower always makes me feel better).

My MH dips when I haven’t been out of the house for a while and I know for a fact that if I was WFH it would affect my MH.

I agree with @bonzaitree though.

If you’ve got a spare room then sleep in there and tell him why.

And I absolutely would not be having sex with him unless he’s showered that day.

Tbh someone telling me when to shower would also make me not shower, as I’m not a child and so I don’t think you should do this and why should you have to anyway.
If he wants to smell then that’s on him (Especially if you’re not sharing a bed).

What about your feet?!

He clearly thinks he can get away with it in the relationship as there are no consequences and he behaves like a child when you bring it up. You need to sit him down and spell it out to him that you’d want to have sex more if he showered every day and it has to improve immediately or you will end the relationship. I’m sorry he hasn’t improved much after you told him how upset it made you. Does he not leave the house much as you said he did shower on holiday when he was out everyday?

This^^
Some people who go without bathing have actually lost the ability to smell themselves, or just got used to their smell - claiming it's a 'natural smell'. I recently went to a theatre and both the actors (during intermittion) and the audience had that 'natural smell'. My guest and I left halfway through, the whole place stank to high-heaven - disgusting.

My thoughts too. I cannot even imagine how grim his arse must be without a daily wash.