Could you put up with this level of personal hygiene?

[podcastobsessed]

Since COVID my partner has been full time WFH so out of a steady routine. He consistently goes for 3/4 days without showering (doesn't have a wash at the sink or anything either as far as I'm aware). Showering on the 3rd day would actually be a good week. During covid I am pretty sure there was a time he didn't shower for almost 2 weeks with once a week being the norm. He doesn't do much exercise except walking and some gardening etc. He has improved after my "nagging" but when I bring it up at all now he shuts me down and tells me he's not a child and knows when to shower. If I do "nag" him, he will purposely go longer without showering. Many times he says he's going to shower tonight and I can tell he hasn't. He also sleeps naked and the thought of it makes me sick sharing a bed. Sex life is dying as I just don't want it anymore even when he has just showered as all I can think of is how disgusting he was before that. On top of this he smokes so I feel like the house / clothes smell of that too. I miss having a nice clean house. I'm not sure what I can do?! AIBU or neurotic here?

I wfh and I'll admit I don't shower every day, but the key difference is I don't have a partner.

It is basic respect to keep yourself clean and fresh when you're sharing a bed with someone. Especially so if you're expecting any kind of intimacy!

In all honesty I'd be saying this is it. You either improve your hygiene or we're done. Then the ball is in his court. He can decide what's more important to him.

Ugh, just leave him. I've got a male friend with an unwashed bum and it is RANK and I'm mortified that people might think we are an item. It's so bad that he MUST be able to smell it. I started putting a towel out for him to sit on but he would just pick up the towel and hand it to me. His hygiene has in recent months gone from unwashed to I suspect unwiped. Disgusting.

Even if he can't smell it he must know he hasn't washed.

I feel sick just thinking about it. LTB and find someone who knows his way round a bar of soap.

Honestly, you break with him now or break up in 3 years time. If you had the talk now, before the sexual attraction goes, he probably would do something about it and things would go back to normal.

If you have the conversation in three years… he may do a lot about it but bringing the attraction back after you have gone off someone is practically impossible.

In the meantime, stop having sex. Not to punish him but because the more you force yourself to have sex with him, the more repulsed you will feel, which obviously do not help the matters at all. Having said that, it may be that if you stop he will become, apart from dirty, resentful and nasty so… why should you devote years of your life, dragging your feet, lowering your standards and ultimately your confidence for someone who doesn’t care about something so basic?

Nip it in the bud. A good starter for this conversation is “I didn’t sign up for this…”

I wonder what makes him think he can neglect cleanliness whilst in a relationship? Beggars belief. I'd be telling him to clean up or bugger off. No way should you have to stomach that stink.

He's being very disrespectful towards you, OP.

Also, dumping him means you're no longer being exposed to his second hand smoke.

My sister, who never smoked a day in her life, has COPD from years sharing a home with her husband who smokes.

Get rid of him and improve your health!

No I couldn't put up with it and I definitely wouldn't share a bed with him, even it meant I was sleeping on the sofa until he either got his act together or we split up. Don't tolerate it!

I'm another who included terrible personal hygiene in a divorce petition.

You've told him how you feel and he's not willing to budge. It's fine to call it a day.

I’d be honest with him and say due to his hygiene issues you don’t want sex until it improves if he doesn’t care- then that tells you he doesn’t care about you and you need to leave

Nope that’s absolutely minging, especially sleeping naked sharing a bed with someone with crusty nethers! Dingle-berries, smegma. 🤮

That is a really grim image

I too included personal hygiene issues in my divorce petition and I wish I’d done it sooner. He also complained about the lack of sex.

Glad to hear I'm not just making a big deal out of nothing! Definitely feel like he doesn't really have enough respect for me after reading through these responses when he knows how I feel and makes the efforts for others

YANBU. He must surely be depressed though.
Feel for you, OP

I'm not sure you'll smell as fresh as you think, especially if you only have each other's word for it.

And OP, you don't have kids! It is literally so easy to walk away from his smelly ass!

This.

He is making it clear that he has far less respect for OP than he has for strangers "in public." I'd sleep on the floor before I crawled into bed with him. And I would not ask more than once that he shower at least daily. At least. His refusal would tell me where I stand.

OP, what is the situation? Can you afford to leave?

No you are not clean.

I would even want to sit on that sofa after he slept on it. I’m not kidding.

You aren't clean and I suspect your " natural" smell is unpleasant.

My inlaws used to say the same especially as we lose our sense of smell the older we get. My mil used to talk about how fil never sweat.

When they would stay with us I had to air out their room for days the BO smell was so bad. They couldn't smell themselves at all and it was heinous.

The smoker part would kill it for me regardless of anything else. Smokers have no idea how foul their breath is at the best of times. If he isn't cleaning his teeth that's even worse.

Agree. Smoking would be a deal breaker in itself.

I agree with smokers, but honestly I would rather smell a smoker than sweaty body odor. I can't handle the stench of people's dirtiness.

You have to leave this very lazy, smelly and disrespectful individual. Absolutely disgraceful behaviour.

Ugh, just leave him. I've got a male friend with an unwashed bum and it is RANK and I'm mortified that people might think we are an item. It's so bad that he MUST be able to smell it. I started putting a towel out for him to sit on but he would just pick up the towel and hand it to me. His hygiene has in recent months gone from unwashed to I suspect unwiped. Disgusting.

Why are you a friend with this cretin??!!!

I was wondering the same. He wouldn’t be in my house if he stank and I had to put something down for him to sit on.

Haha I’ve been thinking that! Guarantee people who don’t shower daily or wash their hair enough stink. That greasy scalp smell 😱gives them away by a mile. Don’t get me started on stale sweat and people who bizarrely smell as if they’ve been eating a cheap burger. Like smokers can’t smell it on themselves, nor can the shower dodgers. If it’s genuinely about finances, they should cut costs elsewhere. It’s antisocial and gross.

I shared an office with a married professional woman in her 60s. She smelled of wee and unwashed hair. I literally couldn’t bear it and was over the moon when wfh came in.

OP, I just couldn’t. One of the things I love about my DH is that he always smells so fresh and clean, just makes me want to cuddle up to him. I could not share a bed with your OH if I were you, it would honestly make my skin crawl. At the very least I hope he is able to acknowledge he has a problem and is willing to do something about it, whether it’s mental health related or just isolation affecting his motivation. Or lazy, of course. Please move into a different room. I felt sick when you said he tries to spoon you.