Could you put up with this level of personal hygiene?

[podcastobsessed]

Since COVID my partner has been full time WFH so out of a steady routine. He consistently goes for 3/4 days without showering (doesn't have a wash at the sink or anything either as far as I'm aware). Showering on the 3rd day would actually be a good week. During covid I am pretty sure there was a time he didn't shower for almost 2 weeks with once a week being the norm. He doesn't do much exercise except walking and some gardening etc. He has improved after my "nagging" but when I bring it up at all now he shuts me down and tells me he's not a child and knows when to shower. If I do "nag" him, he will purposely go longer without showering. Many times he says he's going to shower tonight and I can tell he hasn't. He also sleeps naked and the thought of it makes me sick sharing a bed. Sex life is dying as I just don't want it anymore even when he has just showered as all I can think of is how disgusting he was before that. On top of this he smokes so I feel like the house / clothes smell of that too. I miss having a nice clean house. I'm not sure what I can do?! AIBU or neurotic here?

Yuck - get him a single mattress on the floor to sleep on and in a different room to you.

You're not mad. He's revolting.

God gross. Feel for you op. Sounds like he set in his ways. Im on school bus so hygiene is important clean clothes. Shower more this time of year as its warm.

Yes I honestly think it's ultimatum time after reading through all these responses as it's just disrespectful and it's driving me utterly insane!

Ugh that is repulsive and makes my skin crawl! How can you even contemplate wanting to get in bed with an adult that hasn't washed for 4 days?! 😮

Why don't you just dump him?

@SilentSilhouette trust me I feel disgusted too I don't know how I've let him get to this stage and not do anything about it

Do you think you will confront him tonight or see how long he goes without showering then confront? Also please keep us updated!

I don't know how you stand the smell

But on the plus side, he's still offering up spoons. Just be careful if he's little spoon.

Just get rid. This is sunk cost.
Whose house is it?

@wellington77 I have left it tonight as still feel completely unsure how to bring it up as every other time has turned into a huge argument or turning things around. He's fallen asleep on the sofa so hoping I'll get the bed to myself 🥴

If I was you my approach would be to see how long it takes for him to wash. Then when he finally does get him to sit down at the table with you and be really serious, as in you either start washing every day or we are splitting up as of now. Think you need to be that blunt to be quite honest as he’s really not getting it at the moment. If he refuses- you need to follow through and split up

omg @podcastobsessed snap!
I had just logged in to ask where the borderline is for spousal hygiene
my dh last had a bath on Sunday, but only reluctantly, kind of angrily when i told him it was well overdue. Wednesday evening now and I've just had him wash DC's hair in the bath, hoping it would inspire him to jump in afterwards, but no!
I've been 'nagging' him for years but it never occurs to him to actually step up his hygiene. We haven't had sex in about 5 years and I don't care, but he apparently does. The fact that we don't immediately have sex if he does have a bath is proof to him that hygiene is not the issue. He doesn't see the point of trying to please me on the off chance that i may feel like having sex in the future! Like, 'why waste your life trying to please your spouse' seems to be his mindset.

So, commiserations! You are not alone. LTB? It's not always the answer, we have a disabled child so being able to share childcare 24/7 is a plus.

Why don't you try not washing for a couple of weeks and then slapping your fusty, crusty minge cheese ridden knickers over his head. When he complains, tell him that he is expecting you to accommodate his rancid ball bag steam and rotting knob cheese - and that even the bed sheets gag when he slides his sweaty bum crack with its crunchy turd flakes onto them of a night!

@isthisabnormal god why are they like this? Sorry you are going through similar. It's like they don't even think to have a shower? Also relate to the sex thing but it's very hard to be in the mood when you've one minute been feeling disgusted by them for not showering in ages. Just because they then wash doesn't instantly remove that damage for me. Also it's not as if sex is the only reason he should shower, it's basic human decency! Ugh, sorry you are in this situation.

He told me he was going to shower last night but then fell asleep on the sofa and hasn't so now on day 5. Ridiculous.

OP, he's disgusting. Why are you even waiting to see how long he takes now to take a shower? Just LTB.

You can’t blame yourself for this. You can’t force him to shower. You can’t make him take responsibility for his personal hygiene…you can chose you what do yourself going forwards. 5 days without washing and sleeping naked in bed is grim.
Maybe it’s time to sit him down and say you are worried about him and see what he says. It is a sign of depression but also can be just CBA. How he reacts will give you your cue. If he says he’s fine and denies a problem, it may be time to walk away.

I truly don't understand why you're still with him at all.

Awful is he unwell op. If not this is horrible behaviour.

@Mary46 no he has said before he's not depressed etc when I have asked so think it is just laziness.

Thankfully had a shower yesterday and I've had a busy week so not really had time to have a big ultimatum but planning to have a serious chat over next few days as I can't live like this any more - he needs to show some respect or it's over.

You cannot make him change his behaviour. He may make promises but then sink back into his dirty filthy ways.

What you CAN change is your level of acceptability and question yourself as to why you put up with this !

You could not live with this long term awful. It sounds like he wont change