Could you put up with this level of personal hygiene?

[podcastobsessed]

Since COVID my partner has been full time WFH so out of a steady routine. He consistently goes for 3/4 days without showering (doesn't have a wash at the sink or anything either as far as I'm aware). Showering on the 3rd day would actually be a good week. During covid I am pretty sure there was a time he didn't shower for almost 2 weeks with once a week being the norm. He doesn't do much exercise except walking and some gardening etc. He has improved after my "nagging" but when I bring it up at all now he shuts me down and tells me he's not a child and knows when to shower. If I do "nag" him, he will purposely go longer without showering. Many times he says he's going to shower tonight and I can tell he hasn't. He also sleeps naked and the thought of it makes me sick sharing a bed. Sex life is dying as I just don't want it anymore even when he has just showered as all I can think of is how disgusting he was before that. On top of this he smokes so I feel like the house / clothes smell of that too. I miss having a nice clean house. I'm not sure what I can do?! AIBU or neurotic here?

I very easily could but I think we would be roommates at that point

But you already are like roommates. Your dh has taken the decision to end your sex life by being as unattractive as possible.

That's a fair point and didn't mean any offence. Maybe you're right I should consider it as I am really craving my own space and a safe haven so maybe it would help things, or make him take a bit more care of himself.

You have completely misunderstood what that poster meant

I'm not offended. Having a space of your own where nobody else sleeps, is a peaceful feeling. You care less about the niggles they do because you can escape it.

It's the only thing I can think of if you want to stay with him

Lots of judgments here, the clue is that he ‘used to’ shower regularly. WFH can be awful if individuals are energised by other people’s company. I’d be curious/sympathetic as to why there’s been a shift and what support he might need. God forbid you ever suffer from a MH condition.

Not neurotic. That's disgusting, I could not live with someone with such poor personal hygiene.

I guess it depends where you live and the temperature. I just got in from gardening in 88 degree weather and am sweaty, muddy and smelly. No way would I go a week without showering. Every day here, sometimes twice. It's not about keeping clean for others it's about doing it for yourself and how it makes you feel. Right now I can't stand the way I feel!

Having suffered from MH probs my whole life, I can relate to this somewhat. I am a woman though and don't sweat as much as men. I don't shower every day in the winter because I don't need to and as soon as I start stinking a bit, it's shower time. I always wash at least my face/ privates every day with a cloth or wet wipe. I actually wrote a song about this subject aimed at kids. It's funny for 5 y/os but wouldn't be funny for a grown man and certainly not for you who has to live with him! The added stale smoke on clothes and ashtray breath would be an absolute deal breaker as far as attraction is concerned. The second hand smoke smell put me off my ex and intimacy was a no no.
As you've been together 9 years and you're asking for advice, the relationship is obviously important to you and you care about your partner. You've tried to talk and it hasn't worked. Could you write a letter explaining how his lack of hygiene upsets you and tell him exactly what you need to see change. Ask him if there's anything you can do to help the situation. If he is feeling low and a lot of people have felt bad since permanently WFH and not having human contact as a result of covid suggest a support group. Give it a timeframe to see if a change happens and if that doesn't work, consider moving out/ leaving the relationship. It's important he understands you love and care for him.
I live in a flat and my neighbour below has such bad BO I can smell it in the stair well even 5 mins after he left the area! It's gross. I let him know he stinks but I was very direct about it as I dropped a bar of soap round one day. It didn't make any difference but I don't have to sleeo with him so whilst it's not pleasant, my situation isn't as bad. Hope you get it sorted.

You’re definitely being unreasonable and a tad obsessive. It’s his business

Surely this comment isn’t addressed to OP? 🫣

Hoping it’s not but if it is - OP please disregard this comment .

You’re not being obsessive or U to want your partner to shower daily and to brush his teeth twice a day .

It’s not like your work colleague who you can hold your breath when you see them at the water cooler and then wave off at 5pm and breathe. This is someone you live with , share a bed with and are intimate with so of course it affects you. And smell is very much part of attraction.

I'd definitely have to have separate bedrooms, there's no way I could sleep next to someone who hasn't washed for days.

I read the article and thought ‘yuck’ , I couldn’t live with a man who was smelly and unkempt, then I thought that if he’s uncircumcised it’s honestly gross and totally unacceptable. Make a stand and make it clear that’s it’s daily shower or he’s out. His lack of any standards of personal hygiene is dragging you down to his level.

One word.....yuk!

I dont shower daily, never really have, dries your skin out and is a waste of water and energy, unless I have been doing a physical job or have been exercising or its the summer and particularly hot and sweaty then yes but especially through winter it's 2 or 3 times a week. However I always brush my teeth twice a day and can't stand my teeth not being clean. I wfh too and can see how you can get lazy though, I went through a period of doing most of my working day in my dressing gown but I've got a bit stricter with myself now and always get dressed. If he's lying about having showered though and you feel the need to check then that's a problem in itself, and separate bedrooms is probably the way to go, although he might just get worse 🤔

Absolutely not.

You should want more for yourself than a man, who doesn't shower as a matter of course.

Seriously. There's a whole world out there.

He's showing you just how little respect he has for you. He knows he smells and he knows it upsets you but he doesn't give a shit.

You need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. Tell him again exactly how you feel, spell it out so he can't twist it later and say that he never thought it was that serious. Ask him if he wants to stay in the relationship and wants to make things better, wants to start having cuddles and sex again

If he still won't start washing then you have 2 choices, stay and live the rest of your life with a dirty, smelly man who couldn't care less about your feelings or end it and potentially find someone else who is the opposite of these things and be happy.

nice drip there OP

So smelliness aside - he’s a fundamentally unpleasant person that you don’t seem to like let alone love

I bet she loves him even if the attraction is going, otherwise she would have left already.

Narcissist people are amazing to start with, absolutely lovely to have around and very caring and thoughtful… until they feel they have you trapped and that’s when they start to show their true colours.

The fact that the Op liked him and loved him to start with, doesn’t mean that she needs to continue liking him or loving him when he is unpleasant to her. It is perfectly ok to assess where the relationship going and run if the other doesn’t give a shit about you.

Problem is that the world is full of narcissists’ victims who have had their self esteem totally destroyed to the point they cannot find the way out. Many if them are pressed into staying in miserable marriages by people who think that once you are married you should just suck it up, which is obviously not only quite an outdated view in this time and age when most women work and have at least the basic means to leave, but a self annihilating action with serious consequences.

If he doesn’t care, why should she? Because she is a woman? Fuck that for a game of soldiers…

The fact that the Op liked him and loved him to start with, doesn’t mean that she needs to continue liking him or loving him when he is unpleasant to her. It is perfectly ok to assess where the relationship going and run if the other doesn’t give a shit about you.

huh? He wouldn’t have seen me for dust much much earlier than this

Bet he still wants sex though? 🤢 It's so disrespectful to not look after yourself. I can smell grease on peoples unwashed hair, unwashed hands, crotch smell and this is with strangers on the bus!

Makes my skin itch just reading this. There’s a great feeling when you get a proper wash in a shower. Get rid of all the day to day grime, public transport, warm weather, sun tan lotion… not to mention when it’s time of the month, that’s definitely a call for washing every day!

Absolutely start the process of leaving him, you deserve so much more respect.

Back reading over all the responses. So I decided I would put all of the clean towels away in the cupboard instead of leaving his freshly washed towel in the bathroom like I'd usually do.. he knows where they are when he wants a shower. Taking this approach so he can't lie about how often he showers without me having to nag. We are now definitely on 4 days since he last showered and he's still sleeping in bed naked and asked me if I want a cuddle last night.... no😥. Have decided not to say anything to see how long he will go before I bring up yet again as an ultimatum.

I'd hazard a guess you'll be on the settee at some point to get away from the smell.

@gamerchick yes not far off - its so grim but makes me think I am mad that he doesn't even seem to acknowledge it!