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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Could you put up with this level of personal hygiene?

373 replies

podcastobsessed · 15/05/2024 16:05

Since COVID my partner has been full time WFH so out of a steady routine. He consistently goes for 3/4 days without showering (doesn't have a wash at the sink or anything either as far as I'm aware). Showering on the 3rd day would actually be a good week. During covid I am pretty sure there was a time he didn't shower for almost 2 weeks with once a week being the norm. He doesn't do much exercise except walking and some gardening etc. He has improved after my "nagging" but when I bring it up at all now he shuts me down and tells me he's not a child and knows when to shower. If I do "nag" him, he will purposely go longer without showering. Many times he says he's going to shower tonight and I can tell he hasn't. He also sleeps naked and the thought of it makes me sick sharing a bed. Sex life is dying as I just don't want it anymore even when he has just showered as all I can think of is how disgusting he was before that. On top of this he smokes so I feel like the house / clothes smell of that too. I miss having a nice clean house. I'm not sure what I can do?! AIBU or neurotic here?

OP posts:
LordPercyPercy · 15/05/2024 16:33

The thought of his naked unwashed bumhole in the same bed as you is making me feel a bit ill.

Meltingchocolate24 · 15/05/2024 16:33

Does he approach you for sex when he hasn’t washed?

I don’t see how you can remain in a relationship with him tbh.

Original poster
podcastobsessed · 15/05/2024 16:34

@Foxblue I have as he has raised with me never wanting sex and I told him its because of that. He twisted it and said he doesn't make an effort with himself now because I never want to have sex but I know which came first. I have also told him theres been occasions that I'd literally cry myself to sleep with anxiety about it as I knew I couldn't bring it up and he hadn't showered for 5+ days or so. This is as much as he has improved. So I know I am maybe overreacting a bit now but the fact I have brought it up and had it all twisted etc has meant I no longer can and it's giving me loads of anxiety.

OP posts:
NonPlayerCharacter · 15/05/2024 16:34

No, that's a deal breaker.

KellyMaureen · 15/05/2024 16:35

he shuts me down and tells me he's not a child and knows when to shower.

But he doesn't know, does he?

Original poster
podcastobsessed · 15/05/2024 16:36

@Meltingchocolate24 he used to, doesn't anymore as I told him not to but still tries to spoon me.

OP posts:
DaughterNo2 · 15/05/2024 16:36

Absolutely grim. I couldn’t share a bed with someone that doesn’t shower / bath daily. And definitely not contemplate sex.

Couldyounot · 15/05/2024 16:37

Could I put up with this? No, and I shudder to think what he's leaving behind on the bed linen 🤢

PashaMinaMio · 15/05/2024 16:38

Life’s too short.
Get out now.
How will you sort it out when he’s too old to wipe his own dribble or bottom? Will he get aggressive with you in old age as you try to keep him clean?
Look to your future.

Yellowbananasarebetterthangreen · 15/05/2024 16:38

It would be the smoking I couldnt cope with. If hes a smoker he will stink regardless of how often he showers. I have a shower once every 2-3 days (assuming Im not hot and sweaty) and I dont stink.

Purplevioletsherbert · 15/05/2024 16:41

I posted lack of hygiene as one of the reasons on my divorce application. Gross.

mathanxiety · 15/05/2024 16:41

WTF!

There is something seriously wrong with this man.

Dump him. Let him try to find someone else to wallow in the pigsty he's turned your home into.

MaryGreenhill · 15/05/2024 16:41

He sounds repulsive , l am so sorry OP.
Make sure you get your financial/belongings ducks in order before you do anything. Good luck .

Enigma52 · 15/05/2024 16:42

Utterly gross! Urggh! The thought of him makes my stomach churn.

Get rid as asap.

Enigma52 · 15/05/2024 16:43

mathanxiety · 15/05/2024 16:41

WTF!

There is something seriously wrong with this man.

Dump him. Let him try to find someone else to wallow in the pigsty he's turned your home into.

Exactly this!!

mathanxiety · 15/05/2024 16:44

podcastobsessed · 15/05/2024 16:34

@Foxblue I have as he has raised with me never wanting sex and I told him its because of that. He twisted it and said he doesn't make an effort with himself now because I never want to have sex but I know which came first. I have also told him theres been occasions that I'd literally cry myself to sleep with anxiety about it as I knew I couldn't bring it up and he hadn't showered for 5+ days or so. This is as much as he has improved. So I know I am maybe overreacting a bit now but the fact I have brought it up and had it all twisted etc has meant I no longer can and it's giving me loads of anxiety.

No, you're not overreacting. Has he told you you are?

There is something seriously wrong with this man. He has no respect for you or for himself.

And he's gaslighting you.

Please find your inner strength and figure out a way to leave before your mental health is affected even more than it is now.

This is not the right man for you.

mathanxiety · 15/05/2024 16:45

podcastobsessed · 15/05/2024 16:36

@Meltingchocolate24 he used to, doesn't anymore as I told him not to but still tries to spoon me.

Ghastly.

Purplevioletsherbert · 15/05/2024 16:47

Leave him and watch him pick up his personal hygiene again when he starts immediately dating because he knows no one else would ever put up with up!

sweetsardineface · 15/05/2024 16:48

Poor you. You are not overreacting at all. It’s all grim, but the worst is his refusal to try to make you happy, or at least less anxious. Believe me, this will continue to grind you down so put a stop to it for your own sake. He won’t, so you will have to, even if that means the end of the relationship.

Allshallbewell2021 · 15/05/2024 16:49

You are at an impasse - can you get some help?
Maybe enquire about marriage guidance and see what it might involve? Failing that could you get sone counseling/therapy to help you work your way through this.
Do listen to Esther Perel, her sessions with couples are enormously encouraging.
Do you have a spare room you could move into?
Some positive action from you might make you feel better.
You need to keep being honest if you can.

Whatsyourstory · 15/05/2024 16:51

Crikey I hope he's circumcised otherwise he is going to get an infection not washing that often. (By the way am not pro circumcision but in this instance it would be beneficial)

Cosycover · 15/05/2024 16:52

No. The smoking enough would be it for me.

The house will stink.

OneTC · 15/05/2024 16:53

I wash every day unless I'm doing something outside that lasts for days, wild camping etc. I wouldn't particularly mind not washing every day but I sleep next to OH and want her to like me

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2024 16:53

Op, the relationship is over. You break up with him, obviously. He has unilaterally decided to change into a man you can't possibly be in a relationship with. He's disgusting, he knows how you feel, and he still doesn't give a fuck. It's over.

CulturalNomad · 15/05/2024 16:53

I generally roll my eyes at all the "LTB!" posts on MN, but I would not be able to stay in a relationship with someone with poor personal hygiene. It's disgusting to me and I wouldn't want to sit on the sofa next to him never mind share a bed! Sex would be out of the question.

When people say they go several days, even a week, without bathing or shampooing and insist that they have no odor I think they're kidding themselves. Hair absorbs odors like smoke, food smells, etc. and when I'm close to someone with their lank, oily tresses I can certainly smell the odor (as can everyone else).

Sorry, but as long as you are able to bathe and have access to soap and water then hold yourself to a higher standard than "I'm not absolutely rancid, it's fine".