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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Could you put up with this level of personal hygiene?

373 replies

podcastobsessed · 15/05/2024 16:05

Since COVID my partner has been full time WFH so out of a steady routine. He consistently goes for 3/4 days without showering (doesn't have a wash at the sink or anything either as far as I'm aware). Showering on the 3rd day would actually be a good week. During covid I am pretty sure there was a time he didn't shower for almost 2 weeks with once a week being the norm. He doesn't do much exercise except walking and some gardening etc. He has improved after my "nagging" but when I bring it up at all now he shuts me down and tells me he's not a child and knows when to shower. If I do "nag" him, he will purposely go longer without showering. Many times he says he's going to shower tonight and I can tell he hasn't. He also sleeps naked and the thought of it makes me sick sharing a bed. Sex life is dying as I just don't want it anymore even when he has just showered as all I can think of is how disgusting he was before that. On top of this he smokes so I feel like the house / clothes smell of that too. I miss having a nice clean house. I'm not sure what I can do?! AIBU or neurotic here?

OP posts:
Haydenn · 15/05/2024 16:54

Ultimatum time. “Shower now and sort out the hygiene or we’re done. Intimacy is part of our relationship, I don’t want to be intimate with you at the moment, things need to change”

IncompleteSenten · 15/05/2024 16:54

Disgusting.
Tell him he's not sticking his minging dick anywhere near you.

I wouldn't share a bed with a man who stank. Do you have a spare bed?

AStrawberryTart · 15/05/2024 16:56

There is no way this minger would be sharing a bed with me, if that meant me moving to a different bed so be it, the bed linen must be disgusting after he’s been in it. I’d be moving bed, telling him why then moving on without him. And there’s no way in hell he’d be within a metre of me let alone allowed to spoon me. Filthy creature that he is.

BlastedPimples · 15/05/2024 16:59

This is foul.

I'd be happy to break up and tell people why. I think most people would understand but who cares if they don't?

I don't think I could even be friends with someone who lacked cleanliness like this much less go to bed with them. Cigarette smell alone makes me retch.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 15/05/2024 16:59

Ew god no. I couldn't cope with that in a partner. Totally understandable that you can't face intimacy with him. I don't like his reshaping of the reason why you're not having sex though. He sounds bloody horrid and the fact that he can't be bothered to change after you've brought it up is extremely telling.

It would be the end for me.

HÆLTHEPAIN · 15/05/2024 17:01

Yeah, it would be the end for me too. I remember an ex of mine went through something similar, though not as bad, and it killed any feelings I’d had. There was no reason for it either.

redastherose · 15/05/2024 17:03

podcastobsessed · 15/05/2024 16:11

@LiterallyOnFire I don't think so as when I first brought it up I'd asked if he was okay etc and says he's fine just doesn't see any reason to wash when he's not going out. He would tell me he has showered on days he hasn't too so it's almost like he doesn't realise how long its been.

This stood out for me, how little respect he must have for you that he doesn't see any reason to shower simply because he isn't going out where other people would avoid him because he's smelly. Why don't you matter? Why doesn't your opinion on this matter?

LostTheMarble · 15/05/2024 17:03

Oh op, same happened in my relationship during covid. He hadn’t been the best at self care before (have realised autism and sensory issues very likely at play), but mine went full Homer Simpson minus the beer addiction. Used to moan I wasn’t physical with him anymore, didn’t even want to kiss him (his breath was like shit on a hot day) and complained id made him move to the spare bed. Equally huffed and puffed when I pointed out he didn’t smell like someone I’d want to go near even in a hazmat suit. I ended it for many reasons but yes that was a key one, and one I’ve only shared with very close friends. I was embarrassed by association but that’s passed now, he shouldn’t have been so gross.

Ive had to learn this the hard way, women do not exist to fix men and their shit behaviour.

lanya · 15/05/2024 17:05

I think showering on the third day is just about bearable for someone who doesn't get very sweaty/ smelly. I can imagine that being OK for certain people.

But 5+ days is likely to be pretty grim for any adult, whoever they are. I can't imagine someone not smelling after that.

Either way, if it makes you uncomfortable, he should respect that. When you are in a partnership you need to make accommodations. Asking someone to shower after 5 days isn't exactly unusual or a huge request.

Hotgirlwinter · 15/05/2024 17:07

Absolutely not. This would be a massive deal breaker for me.

I’d support my partner to seek help to address any underlying mental health issues that were causing this but if this is just who they want to be and saw no issue then I couldn’t stay together.

Not everyone has the same level of hygiene sure, I don’t expect my partner to be exactly the same as me but not washing for days on end, getting into bed naked, wanting to have sex with me having not washed their arse or nether regions for days…. NOPE!!!

Original poster
podcastobsessed · 15/05/2024 17:08

@redastherose yes I am thinking this as when we went on holiday (in the winter so it was cold) he showered every single day no question as he was going out in public by not sure why he thinks he doesn't owe me the same?

@LostTheMarble glad to hear someone who relates. He is always saying I don't show him any affection (I used to before this) and being upset about it but doesn't accept any responsibility as to why. There's other things he does along the lines of laziness too so probably other things that are feeding into my opinion of him. Hope you are happier now

OP posts:
Original poster
podcastobsessed · 15/05/2024 17:09

He is also a sweaty person btw so I am not sure he is one of the few who can get away with it like PP have said. I think I am nose blind to it now as I don't think he smells as bad as I'd expect but it's the thought of being dirty and sharing a bed. Urgh am feeling disgusted.

OP posts:
LostTheMarble · 15/05/2024 17:12

@podcastobsessed honestly why does he deserve affection when he shows you such disrespect. Man spreading his BO and cheesy junk around you, it’s just nasty.

I am much happier now, in terms of my own space and environment I genuinely couldn’t be in a better place. To the point I’m not sure I’d risk sharing it with another adult again full time (but I am careering towards middle age with three kids in tow!).

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2024 17:12

The only thing in question here are your standards, actually. Him being a filthy pig should be an absolute deal breaker because this is a glaring reflection of his complete lack of respect for you. He dares get arsey over the lack of sex when he knows how upset you are over his lack of hygiene? He must be having a laugh.

Get rid of him and move on.

Bearpawk · 15/05/2024 17:19

Fuck no that's disgusting. I'd be separating.

CulturalNomad · 15/05/2024 17:22

I am nose blind to it now as I don't think he smells as bad as I'd expect

That's so depressing. Just being fresh and clean and being around a partner that is fresh and clean is one of life's simple pleasures. Having to settle for "doesn't stink as bad as I'd expect" is just sad.

LTSB (leave the smelly bastard) lol

Pistachiovillian · 15/05/2024 17:23

I'd find it really disrespectful that he think strangers who may encounter him while he's out, are more important than you hence he won't shower for you but will for them. He's an adult and should have manners. Making sure one doesn't smell is one of them. I'd not share a bed with him even if it meant sleeping on the floor.

TwilightSkies · 15/05/2024 17:24

🤢 bin him. Literally. It’s where he belongs.
Bar health issues, there’s no excuse for not washing daily.

Maddy70 · 15/05/2024 17:26

I couldn't share a house let alone a bed with someone whos hygiene levels are so low

Deal breaker for me

Cattyisbatty · 15/05/2024 17:27

I couldn’t stomach that. I couldn’t shower for a week recently after an operation and I feel rank even with a sink flannel wash - I wasn’t smelly but it wasn’t a nice feeling. Are you sure it’s not MH related as the only time my DCs are soap
dodging is when they’re feeling particularly anxious.

KreedKafer · 15/05/2024 17:28

If the MOST often he showers is every four or five days, and it can be as little as once a week or less... yeah, that's pretty horrible. And even more so if he doesn't have good wash in the mornings.

I would also find the smoking really unpleasant. If someone stinks like an old ashtray they're not coming near me.

So YANBU at all.

He twisted it and said he doesn't make an effort with himself now because I never want to have sex

Even if this were true (which, as you've made clear, is it not) it would make zero sense, because if he thinks the ONLY REASON to shower regularly is sex, there is something badly wrong with him. Keeping clean isn't some sort of special effort that people make in order to seem sexy, ffs. It's rudimentary hygiene and basic human dignity.

Sapphire387 · 15/05/2024 17:29

Ok, so I'm going to be honest, when I first met my DH, he was a smoker, and sometimes skipped a shower (though not as bad as your partner). He was a widowed dad, busy and you know, struggling a bit with his mental health too.

I made it quite clear that I didn't want a partner who smoked, and daily showers were non-negotiable, especially when it came to sex.

Guess who doesn't smoke or skip showers now?

What I'm saying is... the real problem here is that your partner just doesn't care what you think or feel. I genuinely think most normal, decent men do. And for that reason, you should leave him.

Ilovemyshed · 15/05/2024 17:31

Yuk. Absolute baseline for me is a daily shower and twice daily teeth. If intimacy is on the agenda then shower or bath before.

He is disrespectful. I'll bet visitors to your house can smell the frowsiness too.

KellyMaureen · 15/05/2024 17:31

CulturalNomad · 15/05/2024 17:22

I am nose blind to it now as I don't think he smells as bad as I'd expect

That's so depressing. Just being fresh and clean and being around a partner that is fresh and clean is one of life's simple pleasures. Having to settle for "doesn't stink as bad as I'd expect" is just sad.

LTSB (leave the smelly bastard) lol

Wayne Slob
Mr Stink

All I can imagine are these when I think about the OPs husband. It really is not fair.

Notamum12345577 · 15/05/2024 17:31

DaughterNo2 · 15/05/2024 16:36

Absolutely grim. I couldn’t share a bed with someone that doesn’t shower / bath daily. And definitely not contemplate sex.

A lot of people don’t shower daily! I do, and 4-5 days sounds too long unless there is health reasons, but lots don’t need to every day