Could you put up with this level of personal hygiene?

[podcastobsessed]

Since COVID my partner has been full time WFH so out of a steady routine. He consistently goes for 3/4 days without showering (doesn't have a wash at the sink or anything either as far as I'm aware). Showering on the 3rd day would actually be a good week. During covid I am pretty sure there was a time he didn't shower for almost 2 weeks with once a week being the norm. He doesn't do much exercise except walking and some gardening etc. He has improved after my "nagging" but when I bring it up at all now he shuts me down and tells me he's not a child and knows when to shower. If I do "nag" him, he will purposely go longer without showering. Many times he says he's going to shower tonight and I can tell he hasn't. He also sleeps naked and the thought of it makes me sick sharing a bed. Sex life is dying as I just don't want it anymore even when he has just showered as all I can think of is how disgusting he was before that. On top of this he smokes so I feel like the house / clothes smell of that too. I miss having a nice clean house. I'm not sure what I can do?! AIBU or neurotic here?

Of course, but going downstairs in your own home doesn't make you ultra dirty.

Are you sure your DH "appreciates" you placing these conditions upon him, or is it more that he's accepted this is your OCD and is able and willing to accommodate them?

Not sure. I can't imagine actually leaving atm but equally feel really miserable and also can't imagine my life being like this forever! We have a mortgage which might make things a bit more complicated. Lots to think about.

Until recently a weekly bath was the norm. When I was young there was no hot water to have a bath every day (and no shower in the house). I don't remember most people smelling bad, no one in my house anyway.

I do feel some people take hygiene to an extreme (unhealthy) level these days, ie, insisting on showering twice a day, it can't be good for your skin or hair to continually wash off the natural oils, and then of course replace them with some bought moisturiser crap, natural of course. Not to mention the waste of all that heat and water.

Sorry to say that is not ‘recently’ but over thirty years ago at least, probably closer to forty years ago. Standards have greatly improved since then thankfully. A bath once a week is clearly not adequate, especially not now.

Until recently a weekly bath was the norm. When I was young there was no hot water to have a bath every day (and no shower in the house). I don't remember most people smelling bad, no one in my house anyway.

I think our understanding of recently varies greatly 😂

Recently?

How old are you?

Daily showering has been the norm for around 40 years or so.

Showering morning and evening isn't unhealthy and no one has to wash their hair twice a day.

Maybe you need to accept that times have moved on. You know, we have inside loos now and not middens.

Just because something wasn't available 70 years ago doesn't mean it was right.

We didn't have a shower and my parents didn't have a daily bath. (In fact they lived in one house without a bathroom at all - kitchen sink, tin bath tub and outside loo.)

However, do you really think that was great?

Showers and baths aren't just about getting clean. They are also about mental wellbeing- a shower is reviving after a long commute or working in a hot office. A soak in the bath can be relaxing. It's called 'pampering yourself'.

And yes, some people do whiff. Everyone's body has a unique smell and you can't smell it yourself. If someone's not showering they might not notice, but other people may well do.

When I was a child, some of my friends had a weekly bath (usually a Sunday) and I was horrified. I didn't have a daily bath (this was primary school age) but maybe every other day.

My father used to have a weekly bath and a strip wash on other days. It was how he'd been brought up (in poverty) where his family used public baths. Yes, they really did exist.

Looking back I now see it as rather gross and don't know ho my Mum put up with it.

There is so much more to this than him not showering. You've said he himself doesn't smell bad so there is a psychological element here. If he stank then fine.

I think it's more about his lack of care for himself and for you. And pulling his weight. That's where the focus needs to be. Try to look beneath the surface. Sounds tough!

How old is he?

Please. Don't resign yourself to a life of grime just because that's what he wants to do. I mentioned in my last post I recently left my ex-stinker. We had a mortgage too, but that is workable. If you have somewhere else to go, or can afford to leave, 100% do it. Your quality of life will increase in ways you could never imagine, just from no longer being around someone who refuses to take care of themselves. No more fear of upsetting them by telling them they don't smell pleasant. No negative feelings towards someone who has long since given up on presenting themselves nicely to you. A literal fresh start. There will be someone out there who will give you what you want and need, and hopefully smell incredible to boot!

Bad body odour is a lot to do with our diet. For example carnivores don't smell. A diet high in vegetables increases body odour. I have tested it myself it's true. Grains, onions and broccoli are particularly bad. Of course any processed food makes us smell too

Ohhhh this is familiar to me too. XH WFH during Covid. His hygiene levels had never been super high but they slid right down when he didn’t leave the house. He also took to only showering every 3 days or so. Wore tatty old clothes. Moaned if I binned pants with holes in them. Also a sweaty person with particularly unpleasant scent from his nether regions. Hasn’t been to the dentist for over 10 years and his teeth brushing was infrequent at best (seems to be a family thing so I think it wasn’t drummed into them as kids). He couldn’t be arsed to shave so although he had a beard it was wiry and unkempt then he’d complain I wouldn’t kiss him! (Bad breath and a scratchy beard? Not a great combo). Also lazy around the house. Was he depressed? Quite possibly. But he didn’t seek help until after we separated and he still won’t address his heavy drinking. He’s just met someone who’s standards are similar to his/she tolerates it.

The thing is, this boils down to both a lack of care for himself and respect towards you. He clearly makes the effort for other people (strangers!) when out in public. When you try to raise your concerns, he twists it round so somehow it’s your fault. You need to have a good think about the future because realistically, he probably won’t change. So you need to decide if you can tolerate this forever or if you want more from life.

God no, absolutely not!! I work from home and have done since Covid and there hasn't been a single day I haven't showered - that's just grim!!!

A weekly bath wasn't unusual but people washed down at the sink every day in most households.

@WormHasTurned god sounds exactly like him!

OP I would not suggest sharing a bath with him, my friend did this with her exhusband in an attempt to encourage him to keep clean.

He would put a capful of dettol in the bath and then demand she gets in his mucky water with him or after him.

He would then demand sex as he was now “fully clean” even to this day she cannot stand the smell of dettol.

You are not his mother, he is a grown man who should be able to grasp the importance of personal hygiene.

It does sound as sadly your relationship is over. There’s not always a bigbang at the end with an affair or something terrible, it’s just the realisation that you deserve more. You really do. You shouldn’t have to tell someone to wash or do their own clothes washing. That’s just grim. He’s not going to change. Whatever you do make sure you’re on birth control before you leave, although I can’t see why you would even be near to having sex with him. Get him to move into the spare room, or you if you prefer. Make it a lovely clean sheet place. Stop doing his washing. Tell him why you’ve done this and if it doesn’t change relationship is done. Then contact a solicitor

OP I would not suggest sharing a bath with him, my friend did this with her exhusband in an attempt to encourage him to keep clean.

Please tell me you are joking. 🤮

Your friend and her dh just can’t be normal.

Not a chance in hell i would share a bed with him. He is choosing to live like a tramp.

If he cant do it for himself you need to put some barriers in place to make it clear he is not welcome.

@podcastobsessed

He is always saying I don't show him any affection (I used to before this) and being upset about it but doesn't accept any responsibility as to why. There's other things he does along the lines of laziness too so probably other things that are feeding into my opinion of him.

Why would you show affection for someone who shows such a lack of respect for you, as well as himself, by:

• not washing any part of himself, unless on the infrequent occasions he goes out in public
• doesn't brush his teeth
• wears dirty (and very likely smelly) clothes
• makes the bed smell because his unwashed body odour
• gets annoyed because you won't have sex with him but does nothing to make himself, or his attitude, vaguely attractive
• doesn't pull his weight at home generally

Do you have a spare room you can move into, and keep to yourself, so you're not near a stinking bedmate?

Can you stop washing his clothes - it's the least he can do, if he's not doing his fair share otherwise.

Take stock of your finances and start ring fencing your money (secure passwords, etc) and your own personal account - generally get your ducks in a row for when (not if) you decide you deserve better than the situation you are in.

At least you are not married, so no complications regarding getting a divorce, except you'll need to come to an arrangement about your shared home. Can he buy you out? I suspect he'd make it difficult to sell your property and potentially put buyers off...

Is there anyone in real life who would really sympathise and be on your side and give you some support?

You've put up with this for long enough - time to look at better options than being in a close relationship with a disrespectful, stinking, lying, gaslighting man. 🌹

OP. Perhaps you don’t have to "leave him" right now. But you can start getting your ducks in a row. Get paperwork. Squirrel away funds. Find alternate accomodation. See a lawyer. You can do all those things without pulling the trigger.

Definitely appreciates because he is the same. If somebody has walked through the house with shoes on, faeces bacteria could be brought into the house and then transferred and then comes upstairs… it’s my guests that don’t appreciate it when I make them take their shoes or coats off.

So you both have OCD.
Your first post stated that you wouldn't let your OH in bed unless he had just showered. But now you're saying that he would do it anyway, so it's not an issue for either of you.

It must be hard to go out and to have guests in your home. If I was visiting someone with contamination OCD I would accommodate their wishes in their own home - it's a mental health condition.

I hope you are both receiving treatment.

Me too! Absolutely vile

Thank you, he doesn’t actually have OCD he’s just really big on cleanliness. There is a reason why it came about but I don’t want to divulge on here.

Having guests is really hard, but it’s something I’m working on and I hope in the future it’s something I can look forward to.