Could you put up with this level of personal hygiene?

[podcastobsessed]

Since COVID my partner has been full time WFH so out of a steady routine. He consistently goes for 3/4 days without showering (doesn't have a wash at the sink or anything either as far as I'm aware). Showering on the 3rd day would actually be a good week. During covid I am pretty sure there was a time he didn't shower for almost 2 weeks with once a week being the norm. He doesn't do much exercise except walking and some gardening etc. He has improved after my "nagging" but when I bring it up at all now he shuts me down and tells me he's not a child and knows when to shower. If I do "nag" him, he will purposely go longer without showering. Many times he says he's going to shower tonight and I can tell he hasn't. He also sleeps naked and the thought of it makes me sick sharing a bed. Sex life is dying as I just don't want it anymore even when he has just showered as all I can think of is how disgusting he was before that. On top of this he smokes so I feel like the house / clothes smell of that too. I miss having a nice clean house. I'm not sure what I can do?! AIBU or neurotic here?

No I'm not joking, my friend is lovely and normal, her ex-husband is not

I find people smelling like people to be far preferable, and less intrusive, to them smelling strongly of perfume, aftershave or fabric softener.

Give me a minger over a perfume fiend any day

Gone are the good old days of smoking in public places, so you didn't notice. I'm sickened at the smell of washing powder these days. People and animals smell. It's just what people do. There's no escape. And after languishing in our own filth for a few days we all pretty much smell terrible. Or normal. You can get used to it. Plus if you have a positive association with that other person, their smell can be a comfort. I'll share bath water. But then again I always shower after a bath. It's not like we are the Romans sharing toilet sponges.

You should have got a waft of the workman here yesterday. It's like they showered in some terrible 80s aftershave. Probably beat them having to have a wash before work - and they probably reckoned they smelled fantastic and covered up the saturated smell of their smoking.

You can be clean and not shrouded in synthetic fragrance. They are not mutually exclusive.

I don't think I suggested otherwise

I would totally split up with someone over this disgusting behaviour. I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who didn’t have impeccable personal hygiene. Thankfully my husband only ever smells gorgeous.

Absolutely disgusting. My first partner got like this after he got comfortable. His favourite saying on a Monday was "I was fresh of Friday!"
Repulsive and then he was history

This is utter bunkum. People stink after a meaty Sunday lunch. Saturated fats linger. Onions, garlic, spices can all leave your pores in some way or another. But meat certainly makes people stink.

Yuck.

I'm struck by his comment that he "doesn't need to shower if he's not going out". So he recognises it's polite not be stinky in the presence of others but that doesn't extend to you. How contemptuous.

The stinking is bad enough but contempt is the real death knell for a relationship.

You're not being unreasonable. It's majorly disrespectful for someone to not have clean habits and not be clean and expect you to share their space. He sounds unwell. Maybe you could start by saying that you love him (assuming you do) but he's crossing your boundaries and you will not be sharing a bed anymore and sleep somewhere else until you find a solution. Have an honest conversation about MH and the impact on your relationship and if he's not open to working on it then perhaps there's no way forward.

YANBU! This sounds like my ex husband (once a week shower, twice if I nagged, didn’t change his pants, regularly didn’t brush his teeth even after going out for curry and beer). We were trying for a baby and I just got defensiveness any time I asked. It completely put me off him and I ended up leaving him. My new husband is very clean, it’s a huge relief and one of the things I love about him!

He is disgusting. Get rid.

I WFH 3/5 days and have become very sedentary on those days - like 2000 steps or so, awful - I don't shower everyday, although I do always brush my hair, teeth cleanse my face etc. However, I live alone and only crawl into bed by myself at the end of the day 😂
That being said, when I was married and not crawling into bed on my own/had other people to consider, I did shower every day as did exOH - and the 'not brushing teeth-thing' is just 1000000% grim! (and dentists are really expensive!!)
I'd put a stop to that immediately!!

I shower every 3-4 days, hair wash once a week. Face with hot water morning & night and pits with shower gel every morning. Teeth brushed twice a day, Daily showers are bad for your skin.

Maaaate there'd be screaming rows every day and I'd refuse to let him in bed.

I actually make my husband have a shower when he gets home from on the lash, I don't care the time or how drunk he is, I've heard him in there cursing and laughing to himself at 4am, no stinky drunk in my bed!

Try to ram home your message that you can't take it anymore - don't full out leave, but start sleeping separately?

I shower every 3-4 days, hair wash once a week. Face with hot water morning & night and pits with shower gel every morning. Teeth brushed twice a day, Daily showers are bad for your skin.

The vast majority of us have a shower every day and our skin is fine. And we are clean!!

Get rid of him ASAP. Do not share a bed. Do not have sex with him without he cleanses and you do an examination.
Don't have sex with him unless he has blood tests for Hepatitis A B C D and proves negative.

It is for your own good. Have a cervical smear test.

Doesn't he get a rash in his gentleman's area from the acid on his skin? I bet the tops of his thighs must burn and itch like mad. The smell of stale urine and poo is very off-putting. I don't think I could deal with it.

This scenario would be a relationship deal breaker for me. However, with that being said…. I would make one last ditch attempt at saving the relationship by means of a serious sit down and talk about EVERYTHING kind of chat.
I think there is perhaps more to it and the behaviours resonate with a mental health disorder. There could be any number of triggers for this but I think if you do not have a healthy communication with this person regardless of the situation, then there is no hope for the relationship. He needs help and we all go through struggles in life at times where we can lose ourselves but he HAS to acknowledge this.
I myself would certainly not feel “trapped” for the rest of my life in an unhappy relationship or marriage for the sake of convenience, be it a shared mortgage, children, you name it… Life is sadly to short and you deserve happiness OP. Money, bills etc is not everything.
Whilst it might be scary and cause a lot of anxiety for you, ask yourself this question. If things did not change, and if things stayed exactly the same, would you be happy to stay with this person for the rest of your life and carry on feeling the way you do right now? If the answer is no, then you need to have the sit down last ditch chat. Be honest with him and explain that it is serious to the point you want a break to see how things go being apart for a bit. Maybe he can stay with a friend or family member for a bit (see how his hygiene behaviours change in this scenario). Avoid using statements like “you have been” or “you are”. A relationship should be a team. I wouldn’t appreciate my partner telling me I was “nagging” him. So try using statements like, “I’m concerned about this, it feels like it is negatively effecting our relationship together”.
Good luck op and remember, you deserve to be happy 😊

Complete and utter skanky minger....

Not nice and not normal. DH showers every day and if he works out twice per day and I know several other men that do the same.
Surely time to have a proper word with him. I imagine if you do see other people they would notice too.

Is it possible he is depressed? My personal hygiene is really hard to keep on top of when I'm going through a bout of depression.

@MMAS are you fucking kidding? 😂 You have no idea about the rest of our relationship and I am pretty certain he is not depressed having had multiple conversations about it with him from a caring perspective. Not sure why I am even entertaining you with a reply.