Could you put up with this level of personal hygiene?

[podcastobsessed]

Since COVID my partner has been full time WFH so out of a steady routine. He consistently goes for 3/4 days without showering (doesn't have a wash at the sink or anything either as far as I'm aware). Showering on the 3rd day would actually be a good week. During covid I am pretty sure there was a time he didn't shower for almost 2 weeks with once a week being the norm. He doesn't do much exercise except walking and some gardening etc. He has improved after my "nagging" but when I bring it up at all now he shuts me down and tells me he's not a child and knows when to shower. If I do "nag" him, he will purposely go longer without showering. Many times he says he's going to shower tonight and I can tell he hasn't. He also sleeps naked and the thought of it makes me sick sharing a bed. Sex life is dying as I just don't want it anymore even when he has just showered as all I can think of is how disgusting he was before that. On top of this he smokes so I feel like the house / clothes smell of that too. I miss having a nice clean house. I'm not sure what I can do?! AIBU or neurotic here?

Well there's been a few comments (now deleted I think) suggesting I'm out of line and whining over nothing so wanted to clarify!

Probably from people with equally low standards. Honestly. You can judge for yourself what you are willing to put up with.
He would have been cast out to the shed a long time ago if he was my husband. There is not a chance he would be welcome in my bed. It would be an ultimatum. You either shower and brush your teeth as a bare minimum and sleep in the marital bed, or the sofa followed by the divorce courts. How has it been going on for so long already?

It’s extremely disrespectful to you op. Does he not care at all how you feel?

That's true. Honestly I don't know how it's been going on for so long. As he improved a bit I thought he was on the right track and there would be periods where he would shower every 2nd day so I thought I'd maybe got through to him. Have realised recently he always goes back to the same habit and doesn't care if I'm upset about it. Thinks I'm a nag or lies and says he has showered when he hasn't for the last year or so, so it's impossible to communicate about it now. We are currently on day 3 in the sunny weather so😬

What decision have you made OP in terms of how to deal with it? I hope he sees sense!

OP years back, when my OH was going through a bit of depression he was like this. What I did was shower with him. I can’t do unbrushed teeth and stuff like that so it really put me off of him. I found that scrubbing his back, him doing mine and lovingly washing each other’s hair really brought back the intimacy. To this day, he still enjoys when I do my full skin care routine on him to the point where I light candles and he almost falls asleep as I’m massaging in beard oils etc every time.

I also just happened to start chatting when brushing my teeth and just casually handed him a toothbrush with the paste on it. It kind of just removed shame from the equation. It’s not nagging if I want to hang out with you and this is what we end up doing.

It was part of a general CBA attitude. Didn’t clean himself. Didn’t clean up after himself. The room he used as a home office was horrible, it stank. We had separate bedrooms and his room got stinky too.
I don’t this lightly, I believe he has narcissistic tendencies (in case anyone jumps on me, it’s not an arm chair ‘narcissistic personality disorder’. I know someone who is diagnosed and he’s very different.) Lots of behaviours point towards it. I understand that people with narcissists tend to either because obsessed with their appearance (classic hogging the mirror behaviour) or they just can’t be arsed - like they don’t feel the need to make the effort for anyone else. He seemed to fall in to the latter category.
We split for a variety of reasons. I realised he was emotionally abusive, he grew to the point where he could barely stand being around me. The lack of personal hygiene was part of all of that.

I could not share a home with someone so dirty. I’m no “clean freak” but I would leave that relationship. Utterly revolting, disgusting and completely unnecessary and avoidable. Yuk.

OP sounds like he's regressing into smelly teenage boy. I'd suggest no sex unless he's showered every day for 3 days.

I’m surprised sex hasn’t long died, as I wouldn’t be anywhere near him ☹️. I also avoid smokers, so double 🤢.

YANBU in the slightest.

Oh my gosh the home office! Another similarity. I think you may be right. Glad you're out of it, I know it seems insignificant to others but it's really quite miserable and the things you mention are the same here. My partner has a high sense of self I'd say too and always makes blanket comments about the general population being stupid and ignorant etc so definitely some narcissistic traits.

The stinky sheets are the worse. I had an ex who went stinky and topless in bed. The top of the covers always stank of BO. I feel sorry for you having full body stink

i used to make him change the bedding everyday when they stank. he soon realised it was was quicker to have a quick shower (and better for the environment) than to change the bed

he smelt better but his attitude still stank so I soon got rid. Don’t live like this @podcastobsessed

I once used mt husband's poor personal hygiene as grounds for a divorce - it's very clearly 'unreasonable behaviour'. Like you, it had completely put me off any kind of sex life. I'm not surprised you find it repellent; I'm only surprised you're still married.

what does your circumstances have to do with… well anything

Ewww! Top and tail? So you have rancid c*ck and bell end cheese in your face (unless he turns over and then it is crusty bumhole) - and he has fishy flaps - or cheesy bum flaps - in his. Nice! And, given you are married, you are allowed to sleep up the same way as your husband. You are not siblings on a camping trip!

Tell him to sleep in the spare bed, or go there yourself, because his (lack of) hygiene and smokey breath is upsetting you.

Clearly you do not know that ’top and tail’ means a thorough washing of all the parts you mention, and just as clean as using gallons of water.

'Just as clean' is wishful thinking.

No 'they' don't.

Only lazy, soap-averse people with no respect for themselves or for others, who were badly brought up by parents who were lazy and dirty themselves, would consider this acceptable.

Im not sure what the dilemma is here. He is a disgusting lazy pig and you have gone off him. Thats plenty enough to end things. Just tell him you don’t feel the same way anymore and want to end things.

He's an adult, so I get that he feels it's up to him-on the other hand I would not put up with him sleeping naked if he is not showering frequently-it's too much work to be washing the sheets twice or three times a week. Tell him straight it's one or the other-a change in habits means you are not willing to do extra work so he can not shower for days and sleep naked-he should get the message.

No, I couldn’t tolerate that.

I’m fine with people not showering every day if it’s not needed, but DH and I tend to shower every other day minimum.

if he did “bits and pits” then I guess that would help but it’s just as easy to have a quick shower!

when I was a teenager I dated a total soap dodger and used to suggest shared baths / showers to lure him into washing. It was such a turn off!

Why don't you, if you're determined to live with it. Carve out your own bedroom that he doesn't get to sleep in. That way he can sleep in his own filth, you can shut the door on it and you have retreat to a nice, clean none smelly bedroom to sleep.

I very easily could but I think we would be roommates at that point and spell the end of the relationship really so not really a solution if things are going to work.

So holding your nose getting into bed with him and crying yourself to sleep, not wanting him to spoon you not to mention anything else is a relationship?

I've got my own bedroom, it's more common than you think and it definitely hasn't damaged my marriage. Sharing a bed until he got the cpap may have. It's not a death knell and your own room is like a giant hug when you shut the door.

If he smells that's a different story. He needs to wash himself and change his clothes more often. I wear clean clothes every day, and I can definitely tell if I smell, he's slid into a lack of personal care and needs a wake up call.