DP annoyed I’m not accepting higher paid job

[Pinkstickynote]

Getting married this year and going to TTC soon after. I’ve spent years focussing on my career (started out in full time work at 16 as an apprentice - I’m now 30) and climbing the corporate ladder. I’ve been working for a great employer for the past 1.5yrs with good benefits, remote work and whilst the salary is not as high as I could get, I have a great work life balance. My specialism is niche so it’s common to get messages from recruiters about new opportunities. One of these recently piqued my interest as it was £40k higher salary. I did interview and was offered the role but decided against it. The main reasons being our plans to start a family, and no longer feeling motivated to keep climbing the ladder. My prorities have changed, and I’m on to a good thing where I am.

DP cant understand my decision and said he’d always been so attracted to my drive and ambition. He thinks I’m crazy to turn down so much extra money when people would give anything to get a pay increase like that, and I should be getting as much money as possible before we have DC to benefit us when I’m on mat leave/our DC’s future. It’s making me doubt my decision and I’d benefit from some views on this (the place that offered me the role have said if I should change my mind in the next few days, to let them know).

Am I the insane and ungrateful one here? I should point out that DH and I do live a comfortable life as is and have well paid jobs (for context, my salary is low six figures). WWYD?

Work / life balance and being in a job where the employer can be helpful / flexible if you need time off at short notice would win every time for me. As long as you can live comfortably and save money for a rainy day then more money won't necessarily improve your quality of life.

I am in the 60% tax zone myself and I'm beginning to think I just don't want to earn more/take on more senior difficult jobs anymore because of the 60% tax penalty! At the moment I've put everything > 100K into pension to avoid this, but earning even more seems utterly pointless given all the stress, travel and burden it will bring for very little financial benefit. You are 100% right to stay where you are.

I'm with you, personally. I don't earn as much as you, but do earn what I consider to be a lot of money and the next step up in my field (pretty much no matter who the employer is) would mean a lot more travel, less remote working, longer hours, much more stress. Not for me at all! I have seen a lot of people burn out in these roles.

Some people are always going to see that as a lack of ambition or a negative, but I honestly can't see what the extra money would bring that would be worth what I'd give up. Plus a decent chunk would go into outsourcing stuff I currently do - petsitting, cleaning, takeaways, extra travel, higher grade work wardrobe etc. Mentally I am stretching myself by studying something completely unrelated and having a lot of fun doing it. My DH thinks the same way as me about it.

I believe your main issue is actually that your DP does not feel the same way as you and that his attraction to you (according to what he's said) is at least in part linked to drive and ambition.

I really think you need to be having some very serious conversations about this as: (a) there is an implication that he will find you less attractive should you choose prioritise family over career; (b) if he feels that way, he may not be prepared to put family before career himself either.

I would be concerned that this is a pretty core value if you're looking to TTC soon and you don't seem to be on the same page at all.

Sorry if that sounds very pessimistic.

Is the new job remote? Similar benefits?

Is the 40k worth any extra travel you might have to do?

As someone who earns less than £20000. I would stay where you are.
You sound happy with your current job and that is worth an awful lot. Your dp sounds a bit of a cheeky bugger really, does he have the same earning capacity that you do? If he does tell him to crack on and do it.

Hi OP, I would have made the same choice as you. I’ve just had a baby in the last year and had hyperemesis throughout pregnancy (really really bad morning sickness requiring several hospital stays for rehydration). It was unlucky but I can tell you that having a supportive employer, good work-life balance and decent family benefits has made it all bit easier. I can’t imagine how much added stress I would feel if I’d been in a new company when I got pregnant and the guilt I would have felt taking all that time off/not performing to my usual standard. I am fortunate that I could definitely get better pay by moving, my job is in demand and company hopping would expedite getting promotions vs staying put. However, things are comfortable, I like my work and my colleagues are lovely - it’s a very supportive, caring environment. Some things are more valuable than pay rises (if you are privileged enough not need to a pay rise of course).

I hope your DP can appreciate the reasoning behind your decision with time.

Once you are over a certain threshold, money doesn’t increase your well-being and can make your well-being worse. If you know your values and live by them you’ll find contentment if not happiness. I have deliberately stayed at my level to make sure I’ve got a good work life balance.

40k extra would mean that if it was a company with good benefits and openness to flexible working

This isn't necessarily true. There are plenty of companies that will pay well, but expect their pound of flesh from you and have a terrible corporate culture.

Once you get to the point of having enough income to live comfortably, other things (culture, flexibility, work/life balance etc.) become much more important.

I'd say if you're comfortably off at present and like your existing job then you've made the right choice. There's evidently a gut instinct that's made you stay where you are....

I would have made the same decision as you, being remote while children are small is worth it’s weight in gold, I’ve stuck it out in my flexible part time job because I value that flexibility over additional pay (I am paid relatively well as it is but could be paid more elsewhere).

40k more holy fuck. I would accept nearly any job earning that much more.

During my married life we always opted for happiness/good balance above money. OH is no longer alive and I have less money but no regrets. It was the right thing to do.

Stick to your guns - climbing ladders is not for everyone, nor for every stage of life.

To give an idea I earn £40,000 ish, it’s stressful, lots of commitment expected and it does take its toll on family life at times. I work 4 days, I’m being pressured to work 5 and of course compared to you, the difference in money would be noticeable. But for quality of life and being there for my children that extra money isn’t worth it right now. I think you’re doing the right thing!

I'm changing my mind

You're right and I was wrong

Also..... working for a new company .....its 2 years before you have any semblance of job security

Apologies for my knee jerk answer, OP

I'm Team OP

I would take the new job….no brainer

I do earn in that range. I would move for that kind of increase. Anyone saying it is 'only' 20k after tax, 20k can do a lot of outsourcing of household crap for full time, and a return to work after mat leave could potentially be part time and still earn the same as full time in current role. It could also fund private education, if so inclined. How wealthy are people that they can afford to dismiss 20k net as barely worth having?

I am currently maxing out my pension contributions so that I can retire by 57. That is what that extra income allows. Full financial independence and security. Age 30, that seems like a long way off. It comes around quicker than you think it will.

I would take the job and postpone TTC for two years. You'll still only be in early 50s when the kids go off to uni, and the power of earning young can't be replicated later. More savings now will compound and give you so many more options in future. Life has a way of taking unexpected twists and turns.

Also take this opportunity to revisit financial/workload expectations before TTC, because it sounds like DH isn't quite on the same page.

it’s crazy how much of an impact a bad/stressful job can have on your life.

Totally agree. Anyone who thinks money is the only important consideration has clearly never worked in a terrible (but well paid!) job which significantly affected their mental health. There is far, far more to life than money.

Only you know whether taking a risk on this new job is worth it to you, so don't let your DH put pressure on you.

You're earning good money where you are, you're settled in the role and you're happy. Pointless giving up something you enjoy for a less certain job, when you want to have a baby soon. It sounds like there are plenty of opportunities in your field anyway (I am assuming something technical/engineering-y) so there's no need to jump at the first ihighly paid thing that comes along.

@Pinkstickynote I think you need to make sure you and he are on the same page before you get married. It doesn’t sound like you currently are.

@Pinkstickynote My husband was once offered a job with double the salary but he would have had to go from working remotely to 3 days a week in London (we live in the midlands). Our baby was 6 months old at the time and we discussed it and said it wasn't worth the money, having him home was worth more. He would have missed out on so much if he had taken that job, 100% the right decision for us was to turn it down.

This. Plus no guarantee you will get pregnant straight away. Check but you could TTC as early as 12 weeks into the job.

Plus childcare costs will be £10-15k per annum post tax.

Think of it this way, if you are on £100k now, and want to move to a 4 day week post maternity leave you are automatically down to £80k.
If on £140k, your take home pay would be £112k

It’s a tough one, but I was in your shoes and I decided to stay where I am. I’m already on 6 figures, and if I went to another firm I knew I could get almost double plus a bigger bonus. But it would have meant longer hours and more stress as it would be a more demanding environment. By the time I was ready to make that move career wise, I was about to marry DH with TTC imminently, so decided it’s best to stay somewhere where I have a good team. It’s not the type of work I really want to do, but it gives me flexibility and I’ve built a lot of good will.

If TTC was a few years away, then I definitely would have gone elsewhere, and I have regretted that I didn’t do that. But as with most things, it’s the timing and I was in my early 30s by the time I could have realistically made by that move.

However, there is always the risk that TTC will take several years, and you’re sitting there knowing you could earn a lot more. However, that’s the nature of the unknown - you just don’t know which way things will go.

40k isn't that much more money, and it's certainly not worth losing all the benefits you have from your current role. If your husband wants more money, he can go out there and get another job if it's such a big deal to him.

It sounds like you've very much found the sweet spot with your current position and that is worth a lot in terms of quality of life, especially when you are already well paid.