DP annoyed I’m not accepting higher paid job

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Getting married this year and going to TTC soon after. I’ve spent years focussing on my career (started out in full time work at 16 as an apprentice - I’m now 30) and climbing the corporate ladder. I’ve been working for a great employer for the past 1.5yrs with good benefits, remote work and whilst the salary is not as high as I could get, I have a great work life balance. My specialism is niche so it’s common to get messages from recruiters about new opportunities. One of these recently piqued my interest as it was £40k higher salary. I did interview and was offered the role but decided against it. The main reasons being our plans to start a family, and no longer feeling motivated to keep climbing the ladder. My prorities have changed, and I’m on to a good thing where I am.

DP cant understand my decision and said he’d always been so attracted to my drive and ambition. He thinks I’m crazy to turn down so much extra money when people would give anything to get a pay increase like that, and I should be getting as much money as possible before we have DC to benefit us when I’m on mat leave/our DC’s future. It’s making me doubt my decision and I’d benefit from some views on this (the place that offered me the role have said if I should change my mind in the next few days, to let them know).

Am I the insane and ungrateful one here? I should point out that DH and I do live a comfortable life as is and have well paid jobs (for context, my salary is low six figures). WWYD?

This

100% this. Mental health and workplace balance is so much more important than the additional money at this stage, given you don't need the extra salary. Right opportunity, wrong time perhaps. You won't notice that extra ££ in the bank half as much as you would notice the change in lifestyle if it's not for you.

If you are planning on having a family soon, imo lower stress is far more important at this point.

Completely not relevant to your query but what did you do your apprenticeship in

I'd stay where you are given all the points you've made for sure. However, I think the key point is that it is YOUR decision, not your DP's. It could be slightly different if you were earning min wage and your DP had a large financial burden of providing for the household so was frustrated that you wouldn't take a higher paying job but that isn't the case.

I'm also not sure he's thinking of what would happen when you, in your international job, are working late and travelling abroad and he's often on sole childcare duty (evenings, weekends and all pick ups and drop offs assuming baby will be in nursery or similar) alongside his £100k plus role! Vs a more 50/50 childcare situation with you both in your current jobs.

And does she want to wait two years TTC?

What if it isn't that easy?

I can see both sides of this.

Its true that a flexible role which you are competent at and happy in is worth its weight in gold and burnout is a real risk so I see where you’re coming from.

But it is a lot of money to turn down on the basis that you may or may not get pregnant. It may take you three years to get pregnant and the risk of staying where you are if you conceive is that you get “mummy tracked” and end up drifting.

It’s tricky and I do understand the dilemma but I would take the money. £40k would have a potentially life changing effect on the children you may have.

But do you know that the other job will be more pressurised etc? It may not be. Sometimes salary increases may not come with additional pressure. Isn't it possible that you may love it more than your current role. What did you think when you went to the interview etc? But I think your gut is telling you not to take it. And that you won't like it more.

Some of us have to “push” and “climb” to support our kids. It’s easy to sneer at ambitious people if someone else is earning the money. I’m going to take a wild guess that you are not the breadwinner in your family?

Attitudes like this really irritate me. The assumption that everyone has the luxury of just taking their foot off the pedal because someone else will do it all. Yes, money isn’t everything but it’s pretty important.

20k after tax and not so life changing if you’re already on 100k.

She’s only 30 so the chances of her getting pregnant relatively quickly are high.

It's potentially the difference between £50k and £70k take home pay?

Different if the new job requires a lifestyle which is not compatible with a baby, or her DH's job is definitely not flexible around pick ups etc. These are all factors to be considered but the OP has not shared her reasons why other than she has a comfortable life.

If the job is better paid she may be distinctly underpaid in her current role. If the work life balance is broadly the same, that £20k could make a significant difference in offering her flexibility in her role, to outsource home admin, her choices re childcare and schools and in a worst case scenario, her ability to support herself as a single parent which this forum is full of?

£5-£10k more I’d think fair enough but £40k more I’d jump at it!

Money isn't everything and if you have enough to live happily and comfortably stay where you are.

Being happy at work is so much more important then extra cash you spend half your life at work so it has to be what you want.
Chase the dream in a couple of years when you're ready to get cracking again

I also think this is a good point for not taking it… you might not conceive straight away.

If you postpone and then it could take another year or so to actually get pregnant.

She’s already on 100k?

The new job will require working late to accommodate different time zones, occasional travel etc, less remote working etc.

It would depend on the possibility of going part time

I moved jobs to get a 25% pay rise, which then meant I could drop to a 4 day week and be on exactly the same money as before

That was massively important to me - made a huge difference to work/life balance

I also cover some global business and really like the fact I don't have set hours, so can fit round kids activities etc. They are teens now but I first did this when they were 2 & 5, so I also saved on childcare and I could almost always get to school events and extra curricular stuff

You have to go with what works for you

I actually think the bigger problem will be if she does conceive straight away - they’ve spent money recruiting her Into a responsible role - they will be fed up if she gets pregnant immediately even if they can’t say that to her - and there will be pressure to return asap and get on with what she was recruited for.

So 15k less than you currently and 55k less than the job you were offered. I’m sure you wouldn’t tell him is lack of earnings is making him less attractive. I really dislike his comment that he found your ambition attractive because he’s insinuating now he finds you less attractive

id find his desire to put a not needed pay rise above your needs and wishes quite unattractive.

Were I in your position, I wouldn't accept the new role. It sounds as if with the extra £40k comes a whole load of stress and working hours which may be not worth it if you are lucky enough to be able to start your family sooner rather than later. In a few years, if all goes well with the children, you could then consider taking yourself further up the career ladder if you then feel that's something you want to do. As others have said, I'd be slightly concerned by your DP's attitude. Will he be the one eventually trying to juggle looking after a baby whilst maintaining a highly responsible job with difficult hours, or will that be you?

Some women worry too much about how a business or organisation might 'feel' about their career path.

So what if they are 'fed up' if she gets pregnant soon after joining?! It's a company not a friend. Work is just a business transaction: your skills in return for their salary + benefits.

And even if you do end up leaving after a year or two, you still leave with assets - the more senior role + organisation on your CV, the network + contacts. Just play it smartly and nicely.

The question is whether you feel you've peaked in your career now, and will plateau or descend over the rest of your working life, or if you want to climb higher in future.

If you do want to progress, then you need to decide when to do it. Now, after kids, how many years after...

Always good to have a 10-20 year plan - with your partner bought into it. Although plenty of people don't.

If you have enough money for a wonderful life, you are happy at work and you think you can achieve a good work life balance when you have a child then there is no way I would move in the same situation.

Perhaps the mistake you made is going for an interview when you have no interest in leaving your current job.

The OP and her partner already earn enough to support (hypothetical at this stage) children. If she accepts this job it won't be because she has to in order to keep a roof over their heads!

The importance of money decreases the more comfortable you get, and the OP is already pretty bloody comfortable.

I took a £20k pay rise a couple of years ago for a more senior role and I really regret it. My previous role was great and I hate the new role. By the time I factor in extra commuting and extra spending as I'm really time poor we don't have much more money and I'm miserable. I'm burnt out and about to quit.

If you're earning 6 figures then you might also be in the 60% tax bracket. So £16k more but with higher commuting costs.

I think most people missed that as you only snuck it in at the very very end of your post in brackets and typed as words so it didn't stand out as being a number to contextualise the £40k you'd typed at the beginning.

If you had said at the top of your post that you were already on £100k and had been offered an extra £40k, I think you'd have had different responses.

So what if they are 'fed up' if she gets pregnant soon after joining?! It's a company not a friend.

Ever heard of constructive dismissal?

If the company is 'fed up' with you less than 2 years after you join, you can end up with no job at all, and no legal recourse.