DP annoyed I’m not accepting higher paid job

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Getting married this year and going to TTC soon after. I’ve spent years focussing on my career (started out in full time work at 16 as an apprentice - I’m now 30) and climbing the corporate ladder. I’ve been working for a great employer for the past 1.5yrs with good benefits, remote work and whilst the salary is not as high as I could get, I have a great work life balance. My specialism is niche so it’s common to get messages from recruiters about new opportunities. One of these recently piqued my interest as it was £40k higher salary. I did interview and was offered the role but decided against it. The main reasons being our plans to start a family, and no longer feeling motivated to keep climbing the ladder. My prorities have changed, and I’m on to a good thing where I am.

DP cant understand my decision and said he’d always been so attracted to my drive and ambition. He thinks I’m crazy to turn down so much extra money when people would give anything to get a pay increase like that, and I should be getting as much money as possible before we have DC to benefit us when I’m on mat leave/our DC’s future. It’s making me doubt my decision and I’d benefit from some views on this (the place that offered me the role have said if I should change my mind in the next few days, to let them know).

Am I the insane and ungrateful one here? I should point out that DH and I do live a comfortable life as is and have well paid jobs (for context, my salary is low six figures). WWYD?

It's not that 40k on top of 100k is a huge jump, but that it's a step forward, salary wise.

Generally, salaries + career progression is incremental. So rather than looking at the money, look at (a) IF you want to move forward, then (b) if yes, when in your life, then (c) and if yes, then not this opportunity, when will another one present itself?

Don't underestimate the value of taking a more senior, global, international role (whatever the salary) and having that on your CV, even if you only spend a year in it. It could open career doors to you which may be invaluable once you've had children (eg new professional networks in case you ever want to go into consultancy, with potential for international clients) that you may struggle to make otherwise.

As mentioned in my post, I earn over 100k at present.

Sorry I didn't see that, then I'm definitely on your side!

40k isn’t what you will see in your pocket. You’ll be taxed more anyway. you also might not get all the maternity packages or possible flexible working with a new employer.

Stick to your guns. More money doesn't mean better.

I was offered two roles simultaneously and took the higher paid one, worst mistake of my life and totally against my intuition but DH pressed me a lot because of the money. Horribly toxic work culture, bully boss, forgot what it means to be happy in work.

I’m surprised by the replies, im not sure I’d be swayed to move by 40k if I’m already making 6 figures. It sounds like your DH makes roughly 6 figures also.

You obviously feel you have a good thing going at the current job, I would be inclined to stay. Starting new jobs, especially high responsibility ones, is a really stressful thing.

Thank you, I’ve been there myself previously and it’s a very unhappy place to be.

My previous role before the current one resulted in burnout, which is probably why I’m so hesitant, coupled with the plan to start a family.

That puts a different perspective on it. If there’s a chance the new job would be a burnout type situation - then your decision is the right one. What you have now is more compatible with starting a family.

That is similar to my observation which is that while an additional £40k is only £1,800 or so a month @ 45% tax, if salary sacrificed into a pension three years of it gives you £120k, which becomes almost half a million in 20 years even if you don’t add anything else to it.

Your DH is young - he may understand eventually that a lower stress job with flexibility is worth its weight in gold to a parent.

There is a lot to be said for enjoying your work, liking your colleagues and having an understanding employer who allows some wfh. If you earn enough to be happy all is good in life. If your partner wants to climb the corporate ladder he can crack on with it.

To be honest, so am I. With the pressure from DP, I suppose in reality I was hoping to have a bit of support on here. As someone who already earns well and shared that information for context, it seems like no amount of progression/pay is ever enough in some peoples view. You can’t put a price on good mental health and work life balance though - and it’s crazy how much of an impact a bad/stressful job can have on your life.

If you already earn more than husband and he’s now pushing for you to take an even higher paid job - but with commuting, possible longer hours and more responsibility included ………. Is he willing to take over a higher percentage of housework, childcare drop offs, taking time off when children are sick etc?

I think you've made the right decision.

If you were on a middling salary, then I might think differently. But I think I'd also sacrifice more money for a more "comfortable" position if I knew that the extra money was not needed (until retirement).

I would wager a lot of people on here don’t understand what it’s like to hold a senior role and the pressure that comes along with it. At my level in my industry it would be viewed very negatively for me to take on a new job and then go off on mat leave after 9 months/a year. It’s crap but it’s true, the company will have paid a whopping recruitment fee and then have to recruit interim cover, the pressure to return ASAP would be insane. It shouldn’t be this way, but it is and it’s one of the ways it just sucks to be a woman.

If you’re going to try for a baby I would definitely prioritise a nice work place, with security, flexibility etc. It makes everything so much easier.

To be fair I think if you’d put the previous role burnout in the OP you’d have got different replies. Responses on MN depend very much on how the OP is written.

Also 40k is a lot of money to some people, less so if you’re on a higher salary.

That’s a fair point too.

I sort of did the opposite OP - I stayed in a high pressure role for the money & good mat pay rather than moving to a more family friendly but lower paid role.

I ended up burning out after 2 kids and now I am not working at all. With hindsight, moving to the more family friendly role pre kids would have been far better and I would have earned more overall over the longer term.

As you are already in the more family friendly role - and you get paid very well considering the flexibility, decent culture etc - I would definitely stick with it.

Absolutely spot on OP. From everything you have said, taking the new job sounds like the wrong thing to do. I think you do know that and not everyone on here is telling you to take it. You have to do what is right for you.

Don't let your DP push you into anything you don't want to do. As I said above, make sure you are doing the right thing by marrying him.

As he is your parter, not husband, I really don't think he is entitled to a decision making opinion, beyond the fact that you are contributing fairly. Its your choice op, if you are happy and the benefits are good then stay, the £40k will only give you £20k extra, which might not be work the additional hours / travel / stress. Just don't be the one making the sacrifices, as I said, it's a partnership, not a marriage.

I’ve been working for a great employer for the past 1.5yrs with good benefits, remote work and whilst the salary is not as high as I could get, I have a great work life balance

You sound happy.
Plus you say you're often being approached so opportunity will very likely be there in the future.

Yes, you might struggle to conceive, but do you want to go through that while proving yourself in a new job? Or would you prefer to be challenged?

40k extra isn't 40k net either (if only hey?). Buuut, it's still impressive.

However, you really need to sit down with DH and make sure everyone's clear what happens when your baby arrives. Are you giving up days? Who's taking parental leave? Who's paying childcare? He's seeing the now - going for the big cheese - not the near future with a small child and the time and flexibility demands that they bring.

It's not all about money.

You seem to know yourself well OP - trust your own instincts . If your DP is not accepting that then think long and hard about marrying him . I know that’s hard to
do when everything was looking so rosy.

I'm on the fence here, if it was £25k to £65K then yes, absolutely take it, that would be life changing. But if you're already on £100K+ then I assume that you're already 'ok for money' - so if you're happy in your current job, stay there, there are worse paid positions!

I turned down a higher paying promotion because I was planning a family. In retrospect, it was a mistake.

If an opportunity comes your way you should take it. If it later causes problems, rectify it at that point. You may not find it stressful to be in charge. You will learn ways to cope with the pressure. You might find it fun. With a career it's so important to always be moving forward .

This.