DP annoyed I’m not accepting higher paid job

[Pinkstickynote]

Getting married this year and going to TTC soon after. I’ve spent years focussing on my career (started out in full time work at 16 as an apprentice - I’m now 30) and climbing the corporate ladder. I’ve been working for a great employer for the past 1.5yrs with good benefits, remote work and whilst the salary is not as high as I could get, I have a great work life balance. My specialism is niche so it’s common to get messages from recruiters about new opportunities. One of these recently piqued my interest as it was £40k higher salary. I did interview and was offered the role but decided against it. The main reasons being our plans to start a family, and no longer feeling motivated to keep climbing the ladder. My prorities have changed, and I’m on to a good thing where I am.

DP cant understand my decision and said he’d always been so attracted to my drive and ambition. He thinks I’m crazy to turn down so much extra money when people would give anything to get a pay increase like that, and I should be getting as much money as possible before we have DC to benefit us when I’m on mat leave/our DC’s future. It’s making me doubt my decision and I’d benefit from some views on this (the place that offered me the role have said if I should change my mind in the next few days, to let them know).

Am I the insane and ungrateful one here? I should point out that DH and I do live a comfortable life as is and have well paid jobs (for context, my salary is low six figures). WWYD?

You’re insane- kids are expensive!!!

Take the higher paid job and retire earlier.

That 40 k is a full time nanny (well not exactly but you get the idea)

Take it
Checkout the mat benefits

And is your DP out applying for higher paid jobs? Trying to maximise his income however he can?

If not then he hasn’t a leg to stand on.

You have developed other priorities and want to get married and have children. As those are your priorities I would figure out which job you would be most happy at and would give you the best maternity package, flexible working and family friendly policies.

Proritizing moving up the corporate ladder isn't for everyone and for many people there are more important things than a pay raise; starting a family while at a supportive workplace for example. Are your skills unique so that you will always be in demand? Having kids now will mean you will have plenty of time to work and develop your career in your 40s and 50s, while waiting to have children too long can put having a family, or having as many children as you want out of reach. Our fertility window doesn't last forever.

Too many women (including some of my friends) have counted on always being able to fall pregnant into their late 30s and early 40s and is hasn't panned out as expected. Not being able to conceive, having many miscarriages or only having one child when they always hoped for 2 or 3 or more.

I'm only saying don't get persuaded to do something that isn't ultimately what you want when you seem to be in a very strong position to start a family at the moment.

Good relationships bring us the ultimate lifelong happiness and that includes spouse, children, friends, work colleagues etc. So I wouldn't prioritize a job over the possibility of generating those close meaningful relationships such as having children.
https://www.today.com/health/mind-body/happiness-study-relationships-rcna64899

It would be mad not to take it.
Even with high taxes, the extra can substantially pay a mortgage or nursery fees on its own. Or it can go into a pension as additional contributions.
Most companies offer enhanced maternity packages at that kind of grade, because it is the only way for them to be competitive and to retain talent. Many places offer it as a return to work bonus or a 50:50 split with no need to have been in role for a set period (happened to me).
Even if you started and immediately fell pregnant, you would have been in role at least 7 months before mat leave (assuming routine pg). I went on mat leave after 1 year in role, 15 years later I am still at the same company.

Is he really annoyed or just surprised and slightly bewildered by you taking such a short term view? There must have been enough about the role and the company for you to bother applying.

Everything about your situation sounds bizarrely almost identical to one my DH was in shortly after I became pregnant. He turned down an even bigger pay rise to keep the flexibility, remote working and work-life balance he already had. Like you, we were already financially comfortable. Now we have a baby we frequently talk about how grateful we are he made that decision. Time with your child is invaluable and it is wonderful having such a present, happy and relaxed partner to parent with. I don't think you've made a bad decision at all, it sounds like you are already doing brilliantly in your career, and those opportunities will still be there in the future. Good luck with TTC!

I agree with him but it would depend on their maternity package.

Fair point.

DP cant understand my decision and said he’d always been so attracted to my drive and ambition. He thinks I’m crazy to turn down so much extra money when people would give anything to get a pay increase like that, and I should be getting as much money as possible before we have DC to benefit us when I’m on mat leave/our DC’s future.

This concerns me more than anything else @Pinkstickynote Are you the major earner? Does your DP see you ( even partly, if his salary is less than yours) as the meal ticket to an excellent lifestyle? Think you need to discuss this more with him and if he doesn't understand the reasons you want to stay where you are, maybe rethink the whole marriage/TTC thing as it sounds like there may be an incompatibility in your attitude to Finances which will cause problems, when/if you end up having children together?

I think staying where you are would be my decision too. Sounds just the right place to be working just now

40K after tax (especially if it takes the OP over 150K) would not come close to paying for a full time nanny complete with their tax, benefits NI etc.

It would pay for more overall outsourcing of domestic work.

At the moment the Op presumably knows her own company and they know her that she can probably predict the support for eg infertility, maternity and any special requirements/flexibility she might wish to request on return. That is all info which she won't have from a new company. Even if she has inside info on their behaviour she will not have sponsorship so will have to rely on policy.

Before changing job you should check the qualifying period for applying for maternity benefits. As to whether you should stick with your existing job or go for the new one that really depends on which job you feel you might want to do more. If you are happy where you are and you are already well paid then there is nothing wrong with staying put.

I personally would be annoyed with your DP saying that he was attracted to your drive and ambition. How well is he paid?

I wouldn't agree with the majority of the posters here.

Firstly, I want to know how much your DP earns, because I find it bizarre that he's so comfortable insinuating that you're somehow less attractive because you are no longer supposedly as ambitious. That's a red flag as far as I'm concerned. If he is earning similar to you it's still an unfair comment, but if he's earning less then it's outrageous.

How is your DP with the domestic duties? What happens if the new job is less flexible and you get pregnant quickly-will he pick up the slack? And let's not forget, very few jobs start off being particularly flexible-there is usually a period of time where you need to prove yourself and bed into the role.

You're already earning well and you say you're comfortable. There is nothing wrong with prioritising a different aspect of your life for a few years. You can keep your current job while on maternity and in the early years and I'm sure another opportunity will present itself when you are ready. You have already completed the "go go go" focus on climbing the ladder-you are earning very well already and are only 30. If you want to take your foot off the pedal for a few years (while still earning a significant wage) then that's your prerogative.

You cannot give 100% to everything all the time, and if you want to switch your focus for a little while, now seems like a good time to do it. Just please make sure to be doing it with the right person by your side.

@Silvers11 all of what you have said is what I'm wondering too.

The new role would be hybrid (2 days per week in the office) with occasional travel, vs my current role which is remote. The new role is also a global scope, so a lot more responsibility and potential to have to work late to accommodate differing time zones.

If you don't take a stretch role like this now (a stretch in various ways - including salary), when will you?

It is easier to push ahead with your career before you have children, then pause for maternity leave, perhaps a year or two off, a few years part-time if you want, then get back on the career train at a similar level to the one you got off.

If you don't take it, the hard reality is you may not be able to stretch professionally for many, many years, if ever.

This is of course well known to all mothers (and not an issue for fathers, usually!)

Unless you're happy with where you're at and not ambitious to go further - which is fine - or willing to take the risk and try again in your late 40s/50s when your kids are older.

To find out more about the opportunity, which enabled me to make an informed decision about the role and expectations.

What's your salary now? Over £100k already and £40k will be less impactful, but if it's doubling your salary for example that would be a quite a lifestyle change.

What money is your DP on@Pinkstickynote

what happens if you had to give up work (god forbid) ? Why isn’t HE looking for a better paid job?

you are wise sticking with where you are, you have the maternity rights, you can always revisit a move after maternity leave.

As mentioned in my post, I earn over 100k at present. I have done a lot of hard work to progress up the ladder in to a senior role. My previous role before the current one resulted in burnout, which is probably why I’m so hesitant, coupled with the plan to start a family.

DP earns similarly well, approx 15k less than me.

If you were earning 40k and had a chance to double your salary then I'd say "go for it" but based on your updates, I'd say 40k won't actually make a hugely significant impact given the extra tax, commuting costs and longer hours.

YANBU to turn it down but I wonder if DP is just seeing "she turned down 40k" rather than the realities of the situation.

You’ve said it’s an extra £40k. I’m assuming that’s before tax. You’re already earning 6 figures so I’m assuming that you’ll lose 45% of that in tax, so it would be an extra £22k pa. That would (just) cover full time nursery fees for your child (London prices.) It’s a big deal.

I think you need to discuss your expectations and priorities with your DP before you get pregnant. It’s much better to talk it out now. Does he expect you to be back at work in 6 months? Does he understand that you don’t want to keep climbing the corporate ladder? That you’re looking at work/life balance?

I am with you OP. You'll lose. HUGE chunk to tax anyway and the real in-hand amount will be closer to £20k. Is that worth the hassle? Probably not if you are starting a family!

I think you need to kind your health. Your husband just sees the dollar signs, you know the reality and if you burn out then you will be earning a lot less!!

I think you did the right thing.