DP annoyed I’m not accepting higher paid job

[Pinkstickynote]

Getting married this year and going to TTC soon after. I’ve spent years focussing on my career (started out in full time work at 16 as an apprentice - I’m now 30) and climbing the corporate ladder. I’ve been working for a great employer for the past 1.5yrs with good benefits, remote work and whilst the salary is not as high as I could get, I have a great work life balance. My specialism is niche so it’s common to get messages from recruiters about new opportunities. One of these recently piqued my interest as it was £40k higher salary. I did interview and was offered the role but decided against it. The main reasons being our plans to start a family, and no longer feeling motivated to keep climbing the ladder. My prorities have changed, and I’m on to a good thing where I am.

DP cant understand my decision and said he’d always been so attracted to my drive and ambition. He thinks I’m crazy to turn down so much extra money when people would give anything to get a pay increase like that, and I should be getting as much money as possible before we have DC to benefit us when I’m on mat leave/our DC’s future. It’s making me doubt my decision and I’d benefit from some views on this (the place that offered me the role have said if I should change my mind in the next few days, to let them know).

Am I the insane and ungrateful one here? I should point out that DH and I do live a comfortable life as is and have well paid jobs (for context, my salary is low six figures). WWYD?

make the decision that's write for you don't listen to anyone else.uv got the most important bit already .work life balance and a good paying job you like if you change jobs firstly you might hate it and if you do who's fault is it no one will be saying how sorry that are you took there advice.i can think of alot of things I love about my wife her drive isn't up there on the top of the list of things I love about her. we just want to see each other happy she has a gd job too but can't have children if she could have she'd have loved a job she liked and work from home Ur husband should be grateful for what he has and from experience money's is not everything we've been at owe happiest when we've had nothing some one said to me recently ( rich people commit suicide to) makes you think maybe money isn't everything yes it can make life easier but is an easy life worth living struggles show you who you are and who your with and surely if Ur working life's happy it's the perfect job if children come along .

I haven't read through all the replies so apologies if someone has already mentioned this or if you're already aware. If you earn over £100k you're not going to be eligible for the 'free' childcare (15 hours from 9 months, rising to 30). Realistically, after tax (45% on ALL earnings after 125k, I believe ... you'll lose your £12500 tax free allowance) plus the cost of paying for any childcare, I'm not sure you'll be any better off. In fact you may bring home less a month. You could, of course put the maximum of £40k into pension which sets you up longer term, but money coming in for at least 5 years won't be higher if you get pregnant and use childcare.

Money is great but happiness is more important. Make a decision based on what will make you happiest...as you're not going to be better off until retirement.

Additionally, if you're being underpaid market rate for your role (or lower than any men doing the same job) in your current role, it may be worth chatting to HR/ your manager and putting in a proposal for a salary correction. This is what I did. I was underpaid and could have earned significantly more by moving companies but my team are like family to me and that's probably the most important aspect of my job. Perhaps you can get the best of both worlds here? Happy to chat to you about my situation if you want to pm me 🙂

Morning!
Speaking from experience, with your need to start a family soon, I can see why you wouldn't want to start moving and climbing again however, with your best interests I would request a copy of your contract terms for maternity leave pay and benefits etc. Because when the children arrive its that, that you will count on.

All contracts are different and you may find your current company only offer a standard enhanced leave, where as the new one may offer all the flashy extras, or vice versa!

When babies arrive - money is always needed but is the last thing on your mind to navigate!

I'd go based on future contracts, remember you can now apply for flexible working contracts also. So you could get a simular agreement to your now situation with 40k extra.

You made the right decision. There will be more opportunities in the future I’m sure and you might be in a different place then

I agree with you. If the job is one of those ridiculous long hour sell your soul for the company. In that case you're right as ttc can be very difficult under those circumstances. People underestimate the impact of stress on the body.

If not and the stress would be similar to your current job you should go and get it.

In any case you have your 30s left to have a baby and decades left to work.

One of the most regrets from dying people is: I wish I hadn’t work so hard.

You already have a great salary. There is more to life than work and earning more and more. Good choice!

Before you've even got married or become pregnant, you've signaled to your partner that you're planning to shift focus and that the income will be down to him. You've dangled 40k extra back-up before maternity, as your partner has stated, gone through the process and decided it's not worth the extra push before you ultimately change direction completely and the financial side of things gets tight. Non of this is abnormal and in a partnership with two high earners you'll have to make this decision. How you involve your partner in the decision, and scenario you've now created is the key to understanding eachother going forward. Did you want the job? Could you keep your current job after maternity? Have you explained it all to your partner? Is he onboard with kids? Etc etc etc

If you earn low six figures then I would definitely have taken the higher job, if for no other reason than to escape the 60% marginal tax rate you are paying when your income is between £100k-£125k.

Also agree it's not an ideal signal to your DP about how you view the financial burden being shared once you have kids.

Absolutely! I do wonder the posters saying you're mad not too take it /kings ransom /you can retire early... :

Have ever had true burnout and all the sequelae for this.

Or, have ever worked in a truly toxic work culture when you are working long days and any days off you're worrying re returning to work on the Monday...

I've been there... The impact on my mental health was grim.

Also if you're TTC you owe it to yourself to be as chill as poss! Not (potentially) completely fraught! Your body won't be in the best state to conceive.

Money isn't everything, despite what some MNers seem to think. Work/life balance and overall happiness are at least as important, if not more so.

I don't know.....once you get to a high tax bracket the government take such a chunk that after tax it's not such a massive pay rise after all.

Did you like the look of the job? Would it have been a lot more hours/harder work? Let's be honest.....it's always is hard work starting a new role and appearing keen/proving yourself. I don't think there is anything wrong with recognising when you are on to a good thing in terms of work life balance, and if you like your colleagues as well then that's a bonus......I'd quite happily take a lower salary if it meant fewer hours/less time in the office, but my priorities are all about fitting work in around life/the kids and frankly I don't enjoy office life! I work to live.....

I haven’t read all the replies. You sound very happy with your work/life balance in your first post. There is more to life than money, and I think you seem aware of that.

the BIG red flag for me is you are marrying someone who hasn’t got your back (unless I’ve missed something in the 13 pages I skipped?!). He should be supporting your choice. Not making things harder. My DH wouldn’t behave like that. Marriage is a partnership, I’m not so sure I’d want someone who wasn’t going to help me through life’s big decisions.

Sounds to me like you've sold the impression your ambitious to your DP. Now children are on the agenda work is going straight in the back burner. I think you need to have a serious conversation with DP around what you both want from life. It would seem to me it isn't the same thing!

Stay where you are. I'm not sure that your partner understands that small children are constantly ill, and too ill for nursery, at that. If you're taking off days at a time because your toddler has d&v, and another batch of days less than a week later because you caught it as well, you'll be relieved to be in a workplace where you've already built up a reputation as a reliable employee.

And before she's even got married or become pregnant he's signalled to her that her wellbeing isn't as important as money. Who cares if she suffered burnout in her previous job and now has a great work life balance and still manages to be a higher earner, he thinks money is more important.

I wonder how much he'll care about her work/life balance if they do have kids?

Will he be an equal parent and take on equal responsibility in the home when she's back at work or will it all be on her?

Will he care about her career progression if it means that he's at home minding the kids if she has to travel or work late? Or if the kids are sick and one of them needs to take time off, I wonder will he care about her career then or will he see his own as more important.

Exactly, both need to communicate properly. Without projecting as a home parent, I'd imagine he sees money as security and is confused why she would go so far as to get the job only to decline it while also considering kids. Likewise she's now happy she knows what she wants in life and what's important to her going forward but is confused by his reaction. Remember that isn't what she's communicated up to this point. She literally applied for a progression in her career, and then turned it down. It used to be money and financial/career progression. Now it's kids and quality of life balance. It's perfectly normal but it's not what he's seen or expected. There's a lot of talk about red flags and some obvious projection from home parents but it's all completely normal and probably similar to 90% of young professional couples these days. Communication, communication, communication. They could be amazing parents with an amazing future. Just need to get on the same page 🙂

How on earth can you say that someone who is already earning in excess of £100k is putting work on the back burner?! How much do you earn?

@Cappin

Remember that isn't what she's communicated up to this point. She literally applied for a progression in her career, and then turned it down.

How do you know what she communicated to him?
Not sure why you're making the assumption that she literally just said to him "I'm applying for a new job with more money, wish me luck" 🤔

More than likely she just told him what she said here that it piqued her interest so she was going to go for the interview to see what it was all about.

It used to be money and financial/career progression. Now it's kids and quality of life balance. It's perfectly normal but it's not what he's seen or expected.

More than likely he is also well aware of her previous burnout and how her new work/life balance suits her. They're a couple who go through life together, I would imagine lots of conversations have been had.

I just wanted to say OP if you decided to take the promotion, your partner would need to understand he would make sure he is taking a good portion of the homelife responsibilities. You don't want to end up being the main earner and the main parent too. That is a sure fire way to burnout.

I mean it's an insane pay jump and I think anyone is bonkers to turn it down but if you are happy where you are and comfortably off then that's your call
as for financial decisions I do think they should be made together especially when you have kids in the picture or planned but equally he doesn't get to decide what job you do 🤷‍♀️
he can however decide he is only interested in a corporate go getter and determine you no longer fit that interest for him and well that's fine too unfortunately 🤷‍♀️

But he already earns less than her and the disparity would have jumped to approximately 50% difference if she had taken the new job! So she's already the corporate go-getter in the relationship!

It sounds like he's annoyed that his meal ticket is under threat.

It's not him Vs her. It's noone's place to judge one against the other. It's explaining why they're both confused. Communication. Actions Vs words. It's simple

Or he's just scared 🤷. The proposal of upending the status quo, adding children, with him becoming the key financial go-to is a pretty scary prospect for some. The 40k is almost a red herring in the mix which has just clouded the waters a bit. It wasn't really on the cards in the way he thought. She knows what's important and quite rightly so. They just need to communicate better.

@Cappin but he's not going to be the financial go-to even with her keeping her current job. She is already out-earning him. If he's that worried he can pull up his own socks and find a better pay role. But no, it's easier to put additional pressure on his partner and threaten her with no longer finding her attractive, all while expecting her to earn more, I'm betting do more, and carry his future child(ren).

Come on, we really need to start expecting better.