DP annoyed I’m not accepting higher paid job

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Getting married this year and going to TTC soon after. I’ve spent years focussing on my career (started out in full time work at 16 as an apprentice - I’m now 30) and climbing the corporate ladder. I’ve been working for a great employer for the past 1.5yrs with good benefits, remote work and whilst the salary is not as high as I could get, I have a great work life balance. My specialism is niche so it’s common to get messages from recruiters about new opportunities. One of these recently piqued my interest as it was £40k higher salary. I did interview and was offered the role but decided against it. The main reasons being our plans to start a family, and no longer feeling motivated to keep climbing the ladder. My prorities have changed, and I’m on to a good thing where I am.

DP cant understand my decision and said he’d always been so attracted to my drive and ambition. He thinks I’m crazy to turn down so much extra money when people would give anything to get a pay increase like that, and I should be getting as much money as possible before we have DC to benefit us when I’m on mat leave/our DC’s future. It’s making me doubt my decision and I’d benefit from some views on this (the place that offered me the role have said if I should change my mind in the next few days, to let them know).

Am I the insane and ungrateful one here? I should point out that DH and I do live a comfortable life as is and have well paid jobs (for context, my salary is low six figures). WWYD?

Would the new role be remote / hybrid / entirely in the office?

If it's entirely in the office I wouldn't consider it. But if it's remote or hybrid then it's definitely worth thinking about. These opportunities don't come around that often.

I think you should take it if it offers as much flexibility as your current job in terms of working from home. People's careers sometimes plateau once they have children. You will plateau at a higher level. Also you aren't pregnant yet!

I'd stick with your current job. Yes 40k is a huge amount extra but you have to weigh up how it will work after you've had DC. Which one is flexible, which one would make you happier, less stress etc. Your priorities change once children come along.

Your DP is being rather pushy! It's not all about the money. Especially if you're on 6 figures already.

Also the extra money will benefit your children.

I would have accepted the job.

Low 6 figures means a lot of that rise goes in tax (depending on where you are in the low 6 figures, that could be as much as 60%, but even if not, it'll be 45%) - where would you have stood maternity benefits wise? Would you have been there long enough to get them? That's another potentially huge chunk of cash gone.

Are the jobs similar flexibility/travel expectation wise?

I'd put it all in a spreadsheet so he can see realistically what the benefits would have been (and for my own peace of mind)

If you're going from saying 110k to 150k then there are a lot of other considerations I'd make before the money so I don't think you're mad to turn it down.

I'd consider job satisfaction, work culture, work pattern, commute, benefits package etc. and make a decision based on that.

Also having being made redundant in the first two years of a new job i'd place a high value on the job security you have in your current role.

You always have a high salary in a job with good benefits and good work life balance. I think you're right.

I career changed just before we had our DC - if I'd stayed where I was, I would have a higher salary but much less flexibility and I think in reality I would've needed to go PT by now as we have no family support and so are constrained to nursery hours.

The lower salary, but more enjoyable and more flexible job was definitely the right choice for me.

What if you didn't concieve and you have turned the job down?

YANBU. The current pay is important, not just the difference i.e. if you're on 120k and the new job is 160k, then the extra 40k is not that important, especially if it comes with extra hours. At that level of pay, a good family friendly employer is like gold dust.

You're getting a lot of responses here from people who are assuming you're on only 40-50k now.

I am pregnant now and decided to stick where I am even though I was about to move when I found out I was pregnant (other reasons were involved too). What I would say is that I have benefitted a lot from the built up good will. I've had bouts of severe sickness, PGP early on and a few other things which has meant I just haven't given the job 100% and I've had more appointments than your average pregnant woman.

Forty thousand pounds EXTRA per YEAR?

And you turned it down because at some stage in the next year you're going to TRY to have a baby?

Wtaf??

Does the £40k + company not have a Mat Leave policy?

Is your DP actually annoyed or is that your perception? Not understanding or him making a different decision if they were his options doesn't necessarily mean he's annoyed. I'd maybe explore that a bit as a separate issue and what his thoughts are, especially if you have a comfortable lifestyle on your salaries at the moment. Is he concerned about the drop in wage over maternity for example?

You made a decision based on what you felt was right for you. A work life balance is important. Being career driven isn't the be all and end all. I've turned down opportunities to ladder climb because it doesn't appeal to me and the compromise of a higher wage doesn't offset the negatives such as increased childcare, more time away from my family, more stress/responsibility. My DH is very career/money oriented and would jump at a wage increase. We value different things. Ultimately its you that would need to work the job and manage any sacrifices around it such as commute etc. Even if you don't see eye to eye on this doesn't mean there's anything wrong. Priorities can shift.

FWIW if you've both decided to TTC in the near future a job move may not be best and if you're in a niche field surely there's going to be other opportunities when it feels right for you.

You haven’t really said why you turned it down - specifically what you think would be less beneficial to you in the new job.

How much does your DH earn? What’s his job flexibility and situation?

As someone who this has happened to I am glad that I’m at a company I’ve been with for a good while when potentially facing ivf and all the time off/appointments that come along with that. I can’t imagine the hell that would be trying to deal with a new/more stressful job and feeling guilty for going off soon after joining on top of what I’m going through.

You should take it. I agree with your DH

This is with the info you gave so I'm basing it on that alone.

You have no idea about TTC or when that mat leave will start . 9 months 1 Yr 2 yrs..

You can be making a huge difference in a year and then potentially be earing more

Have more pay when ooo on mat leave... contribute more to pension

And you can flatline or put your career on a lesser gradient when you return from a years mat leave in 2 plus years by changing roles, side step, reduced hours etc etc if niche sounds like u have options

End of day up to you if you would enjoy role but I wouldn't factor children and mat leave into it.

I don’t think your dh should be interfering tbh.

If the new job will also give you a good work-life balance/ allow you to work remotely, it doesn’t make sense to turn it down. I assume that the reason you turned it down is that it doesn’t offer similar benefits and your quality of life would suffer. Quality of life is a perfectly good reason to turn down a job. Money isn’t everything!

Could you use the offer to negotiate a raise…?

"He'd always been so attracted by my ambition and drive"... gosh he's going to be disappointed when you go on maternity leave.
I know before getting married everything is rosy, but in your shoes I'd take the job (and ditch the unsupportive fiancé 🫣)

I can't say whether I would take the job, given you are already on a very good salary, clearly like your current job and haven't told us anything about the new role in relation to the benefits and the likely life-work balance.

I would personally be more concerned at:-

"DP cant understand my decision and said he’d always been so attracted to my drive and ambition."

Does that mean if you decide you want to take an extended career break after having children that he wouldn't find you attractive. Does the "drive and ambition" actually just mean your cash earning ability?

People and circumstances change and I would not like to feel I was only valued if I maintained a high pressured corporate job bringing in loads of lolly.

I’m going to go against the grain - I would be more concerned about your DPs reaction than you seem to be . You have a good job that you are comfortable in and have been there a while though I see not quite 2 years. It is not DPs job to try to influence you .

What if you can't conceive either?
Take this out of the equation completely and would the new role be more appealing with everything else being considered.

Why did you go for the interview?

Its plainly not just about the money, especially if you are planning children. Its also about the terms, conditions and benefits. How well do you know the other organisation to assess the reality of the working life rather than the big promises from the interview?

Also worth considering the strength of your network in the current organisation. You would return from mat leave as a well established staff member which may give you more scope for negotiating any flexible terms you want or need temporarily or long term.

I think the fact that you don't want it is enough reason to believe you've made the right choice. You don't want to climb the ladder anymore and you're happy where you are. It's not all about the money.

Take the job! Give yourself good mat pay & a well paying flexible job! Also, I hate to say it, but TTC doesn’t mean you will conceive easily. You may need the extra money if you need fertility treatments, for example.

Take the money out of the equation. What role do you prefer?
If you have a good employer, I would stay there and TTC.
If for any reason you don't progress with the baby plans, there will be other jobs.