DP annoyed I’m not accepting higher paid job

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Getting married this year and going to TTC soon after. I’ve spent years focussing on my career (started out in full time work at 16 as an apprentice - I’m now 30) and climbing the corporate ladder. I’ve been working for a great employer for the past 1.5yrs with good benefits, remote work and whilst the salary is not as high as I could get, I have a great work life balance. My specialism is niche so it’s common to get messages from recruiters about new opportunities. One of these recently piqued my interest as it was £40k higher salary. I did interview and was offered the role but decided against it. The main reasons being our plans to start a family, and no longer feeling motivated to keep climbing the ladder. My prorities have changed, and I’m on to a good thing where I am.

DP cant understand my decision and said he’d always been so attracted to my drive and ambition. He thinks I’m crazy to turn down so much extra money when people would give anything to get a pay increase like that, and I should be getting as much money as possible before we have DC to benefit us when I’m on mat leave/our DC’s future. It’s making me doubt my decision and I’d benefit from some views on this (the place that offered me the role have said if I should change my mind in the next few days, to let them know).

Am I the insane and ungrateful one here? I should point out that DH and I do live a comfortable life as is and have well paid jobs (for context, my salary is low six figures). WWYD?

You’re not getting it: OP already outearns him.

I think it's clear your mind is made up on this particular person or scenario 🤷. As a sweeping but completely honest and realistic generalisation, I think it would be nieve to assume that she would automatically return to work initially for some time. Particularly if they both earn well. She shouldn't have to either. I imagine that's something he's coming to terms with. Either as the bread winner, or home carer. Again, I'm not sure why it's a him Vs her scenario. But if it must be pitchforks to the testicles have at it by all means 🙂. Again it would be easier to simply communicate all this without the 40k red herring

While working yes. I'm assuming he's thinking ahead

@Cappin what is with the constant MRAs on MN boards these days? Honestly have a word with yourself.

The ickle man is scared so he's trying to apply pressure and threaten his partner. Whatever the circumstances that is not on.

And once again: she is the breadwinner in this scenario. There may also be flying pigs and aliens landing on earth in the future, but as it stands, she is the breadwinner, and instead of focusing on improving his own earning potential, he is trying to force her to take a job she doesn't want to take, DESPITE already being the breadwinner.

Very possibly
I didn't originally see the current salary was >100,000 so that does put a different spin on it depending on if it's 100,000 or 200,000 mind
however depending on location and such that may not be a massive salary as I know many in London on way more that don't have fancy lifestyles and still feel they want 2 incomes
we also don't know his salary is that right?
but I agree his attitude is a bit odd /suss personallly it's her career not his she does get to choose I know loads of people who don't climb the ladder as it's just not where they are right now

Ok I see this resonates with you somehow but again I'm not condoning or belittling the behaviour of either. I'm simply translating without a bias against one or the other. This is why he's confused, this is why she's confused. This is the miscommunication based on what's presented. It's so far removed from MRAs (I'm assuming you mean Male Rites Activists or something like that?). Why I would be an MRA I have no idea 😂 . You can present a viewpoint where a couple miscomunicates without him being a misogynistic a$$ hat.
And yes I realise she is currently the bread winner. It's not unusual these days. I could still currently be the breadwinner making a great crust, if I didn't have 3 little people running a mock 24/7 😂. But that's our choice as a couple who communicates and wants some kind of balance. It's not all doom gloom and Mr Tate if someone sees things in a potentially different light. We can do better than that.

@Cappin
You're not explaining or translating. You say you're translating without a bias.....but looking for an explanation without a bias might not explain what has actually went on. You're giving your opinion, one which many of us don't share.

I don't think he's one bit confused. I think he just sees the money signs.

@Cappin we certainly can and should do better than using terms like "pitchforks to the testicles" when other posters are pointing out very valid discrepancies and issues with the way that the OP is being treated. Absolutely none of my comments make reference to men's versus women's rights-you're the one that brought that way of thinking to the conversation.

Any person who tries to make a point by using phrases like the one you used above clearly is an MRA. I at no point said anything about men's treatment of women or made it into some sort of battle of the sexes. You did that.

The OP is the breadwinner already. If her partner (who just so happens to be male) wants to live in a higher-earning household, than he is at liberty to make that happen off his own back, and stop pressuring or threatening her.

It's a tactic that is often deployed by MRAs unfortunately. They are so logical and free of bias and we are the hysterical witches who simply do not understand reason.

She earns over 100k, she said he earns similarly well but around 15k less than her.

ah ok
so it's none of his business what she does with her career before they're even married and have kids together
after that all financial decisions including job changes should be openly discussed without bias or persuasion as they impact all
same with career changes impacting things like stress levels availability for childcare and flexibility etc it does matter and a good strong relationship should be a partner for decisions but ultimately the one offered the job gets to decide if there is a difference of opinion 🤷‍♀️

"Absolutely none of my comments make reference to men's versus women's rights-you're the one that brought that way of thinking to the conversation.". 🧐

"The ickle man is scared so he's trying to apply pressure and threaten his partner. Whatever the circumstances"

"What is it with MRAs on MN boards? "

It's a tactic that is often deployed by MRAs unfortunately. They are so logical and free of bias and we are the hysterical witches "

"It sounds like he's annoyed that his meal ticket is under threat."

"I don't think he's one bit confused. I think he just sees the money signs."

You guys have the narrative all set. He's evil, she needs support. Couldn't possibly be a communication issue. Couldn't possibly be a nice relationship once their true feelings and expectations are hashed out. Being as they are adults . Nope, run run for the hills!

45% to 55% might disagree. But that's fine, instead get grumpy on a MN post and fight the good fight against the imaginary MRA person who might be able to see beyond their gender to a different viewpoint. Good grief. Thank god my husband can communicate better 🙏.

You win, we're all saved, enjoy x

"The ickle man is scared so he's trying to apply pressure and threaten his partner. Whatever the circumstances"

"What is it with MRAs on MN boards? "

It's a tactic that is often deployed by MRAs unfortunately. They are so logical and free of bias and we are the hysterical witches "

I said all of the above after your "pitchforks to the testicles" comment, so stop trying to twist things.

As for your other two examples, they are simply examples of me and another poster using "he" pronouns to talk about the OP's partner-so no idea why you have referenced them. MRA work at its finest.

I am so glad that women can see through this nonsense nowadays and so many women are not prepared to work themselves into the ground. But let me guess, you're not like those other women right? You're a cool wife.

I think you need to have a massive hash it out type conversation with him. You could so easily be miscommunicating to each other and not even realise. He might be thinking of a wildly different scenario and his views are coming across as pressure rather than support. He might feel you're deciding he future alone. He might be an absolute a$$ hat. Noone here can tell you but you and him talking it through without arguing. Don't let anyone on here sway you into taking or not taking a job based on a quick few paragraphs of your very personal circumstances. Opinions are just opinions based on our take on life. I wish you every success and happiness (the true success🙂) whatever you do and whomever you do it with. Atb X

Money isn't everything, sounds like you already earn a decent salary, and after tax will be half that amount, personally don't think you can put a price on flexibility and work life balance.

All those comments were in response to you, you're the one who changed the tone of the thread.

My comment "I don't think he's one bit confused. I think he just sees the money signs." was in response to you making out the poor fella was just really confused because she had went for the interview and ALL the OP had communicated with him was that she applied for the job, in your narrative there has been no previous communication between them at all, at far as he's concerned the OP was still all about career progression and ambition, but now she's all about kids and work/life balance and he's completely unaware that the OP has changed so drastically......

In your narrative was he asleep when she suffered burnout or something and did she just decide they're going to TTC soon without discussing it with him?

@kkloo thank you. It's ridiculous isn't it? The lengths that some people will go to to excuse poor behaviour. And then try and worm their way out when they are called out on it.

It's almost as if they have learnt some strategies for silencing women and trying to make out like they are wrong or mean or hysterical for standing up for themselves. It's textbook misogyny.

The fact of the matter is, the OP's partner knows they are planning a wedding and planning to TTC. He was also present when she suffered burnout in a previous role. And he is still trying to coerce her into taking on a new, global role with a lot more responsibility and inflexibility rather than focusing on increasing his own wage because he's already earning less than her.

So she'll be the breadwinner by some significant margin, I'm betting she's doing the lion's share of the wedding planning and general domestic labour, and she may become pregnant in the coming months or next few years. And what will he be doing? Counting the money.

At best he is naive about how much their lives will change in the next few years. At worst, he is aware and couldn't care less: his wallet and libido are more important.

And to all those posters making out like OP is not prioritising her career - she is already earning in the top 1% at 30 years old. How many of you are earning that much?

We are not supposed to be slaves to money, we are supposed to use money as a tool to increase our choices and improve our lives. That is exactly what the OP has done, and now she's going to pivot for a while to fulfil another wish - while still earning in the 1%. What's wrong with that?

Absolutely nothing. Let's hope she finds a better partner who will take the initiative to earn more if that's what they need and want, or support her and her budding family at home while she does.

"DP cant understand my decision and said he’d always been so attracted to my drive and ambition."
DP is discovering that you are not the person that he thought you were. And is reconsidering his decision to marry you.

He's showing himself to be pretty shallow if you ask me. Haven't RTFT but if I was OP I'd be reconsidering whether to marry him too.

Either way, I’m not sure about this bit; “he said he’d always been so attracted to my drive and ambition”. Is he saying he wouldn’t be, if you stayed in your current well paid happy job? He may just need some reassurance, but it would be better to say ‘I’m worried about costs and pressure on me’ than to be manipulative like that, I hope he wouldn’t make a habit of that.

I’m in a partnership that means I don’t compel or impose upon my dp to be a work donkey with the burden and stress of being sole wage earner so I can faff about at home listing tasks & doing chores