DP annoyed I’m not accepting higher paid job

[Pinkstickynote]

Getting married this year and going to TTC soon after. I’ve spent years focussing on my career (started out in full time work at 16 as an apprentice - I’m now 30) and climbing the corporate ladder. I’ve been working for a great employer for the past 1.5yrs with good benefits, remote work and whilst the salary is not as high as I could get, I have a great work life balance. My specialism is niche so it’s common to get messages from recruiters about new opportunities. One of these recently piqued my interest as it was £40k higher salary. I did interview and was offered the role but decided against it. The main reasons being our plans to start a family, and no longer feeling motivated to keep climbing the ladder. My prorities have changed, and I’m on to a good thing where I am.

DP cant understand my decision and said he’d always been so attracted to my drive and ambition. He thinks I’m crazy to turn down so much extra money when people would give anything to get a pay increase like that, and I should be getting as much money as possible before we have DC to benefit us when I’m on mat leave/our DC’s future. It’s making me doubt my decision and I’d benefit from some views on this (the place that offered me the role have said if I should change my mind in the next few days, to let them know).

Am I the insane and ungrateful one here? I should point out that DH and I do live a comfortable life as is and have well paid jobs (for context, my salary is low six figures). WWYD?

Money isn’t everything. Honestly it isn’t! As long as you have enough money for bills and general life expenses, and a bit of fun, work-life balance is more valuable than extra cash. We have turned down more financially lucrative opportunities because our time as a family and being able to have the kids do extra curricular activities was worth more to us, and we aren’t on anything like your salary (though both earning decent money). I can understand where he’s coming from, it’s a lot of cash, and having ambition is great, but the grass is not always greener. You also need to consider the full package - flexibility, mat pay, sick pay, pension, travelling, flexi time, etc etc. not just the salary. Jobs are a thing that should be a discussion within a couple, of course they are as it affects the household, but the final say has to rest with the person who has to do the job!

I totally agree with all your reasons for staying where you are. I would not take it, money is not everything and you’re already comfortable financially. Your husband should not be pressuring you in this situation, it’s totally YOUR decision about YOUR job/career.

I am a career woman, 6 years older than you. I also had/have a drive and ambition and earn a comfortable living. I even went back to new roles after maternity leave due to the the number of recruiters messaging during my time off and like you I would always interview.

If I was to look back and give myself advice while I was 30 and making a comfortable living in a flexible organisation, it would be to start focusing on my family and growing my family while in this role.

At 36 I now have two DCs but with a gap due to my career ambitions. I sometimes want a third but we have curated a life that I can now not let go of my salary so having a third with a demanding job seems out of sight. I would say that motherhood has changed me, changed my outlook on my life and career. I thankfully work from home but tomorrow I am working away and coming home late and my daughter shed a tear before she went to bed, she told me she'll miss me.

After tucking her in I thought about whether money even matters. Yes we have to pay our bills but will my children remember how much I made or the amount of love and time I gave them. I thankfully have a great balance in my current role. My husband will sometimes ask me when I think I will be ready for my next progression (he supports me either way) and I now always say my focus is on my family until further notice...

IF however your wedding is a year or more away then take the role, its difficult to read up on maternity leave policies before you start, if its a private organisation you should qualify for mat leave as long as you have worked 26 weeks by the time you have 15 weeks of pregnancy left, i.e. you can TTC within the first year of being in the new role. I would NOT however out off TTC for this role, you don't know how long it would take TTC, many women suffer from infertility, something to consider.

Going to go against the grain and say stay where you are if you’re happy. You already have a very good wage and presumably a very good quality of life. If you feel the new job would negatively impact your comfortable work life balance then the extra 40k isn’t worth it. Money isn’t everything especially if you don’t need the extra money. If my husband said he could earn 40k more but we would see him less and he would be more stressed I would say no way. Of course that’s from the privileged position of feeling like the extra money wouldnt improve our quality of live.

She's not "complacent." She doesn't want the job. Her current job works with her future plans. Not too hard to understand.

Stay where you are! You’re established, you know the company, have benefits etc. It’s not a life changing amount of money.
The flexibility that will be available to you with kids will be priceless.

Also, and I realise this is perhaps a unique experience, but myself and DP were lucky enough to conceive first time both times we got pregnant. I’ve two friends who were similar. So while I get that it may take a while, it may also not!

Please don't doubt yourself , you made the right decision. You being a high earner gifts you having the choice to make this decision.

Also, you would have to get thorough a 3 month probation period in a new job , spend hours networking and likely travelling so TTC would be put at risk. And what if you did get pregnant but didn't get through your probation period - unlikely but personality clash with manager etc? - then you'd not have any maternity leave.

As a fellow high earner ( lower mid 6 figures FT) who's worked part time since TTC, with 2 DC, I adore being in my position. 50% of the time with my DC, the other 50% in stimulating work and remain financially independent. The other thing is, your salary in your new job will at some point "catch up" particularly if you get promoted in a few years and when your kids start school , you can always start to accelerate your career again should you wish.....You've made the right decision, TTC while you're in a secure , stable job!

He sounds very money driven. I'd be concerned about how he is going to act when you have children, are on maternity leave, or returning to work.

Exactly the same thing happened to me last year. They emotionally blackmailed me until I agreed to take the job. It was hell. Luckily, I’m out of there now.

Have you actually discussed with him what life with children will be like? It's going to have a massive impact on everyone's finances. Does he agree that this will affect him too? Or does he expect you to take that impact while "his" savings and spending remain the same?

There’s no way I would turn down an extra 40k a year. I could pay my mortgage off in a few years with that kind of money.

She's not sacrificing a career. She has a good one. She decided that right now she's happy where she is and has other priorities. Money isn't everything.

Reading some of the comments on this thread has made me sad. OP has a great, well paid job with good work life balance and she's happy. She also wants to be a mum. People telling her she's been mad to not leave a situation where she's happy and works with her future plans are the people who make it impossible for women to "have it all".

I've said it a few times on here, but it's not all about the money.

@Pinkstickynote if you are happy and this decision works for you and your life, great. And well done on building a good career that will help you support your family in the way you want. And, for being in a position where it's likely you'll be able to keep your independence and support a child on your own if needs be. You've done amazingly well and I think you'll continue to build your life well in a way that makes you happy.

Money comes and goes; time just goes.

At a certain point anyway, the extra money will be spent on ever more expensive yet stressful holidays in a forceful attempt to make up for lost family time and lost leisure time. Speaking from experience.

Not dismissing the importance of comfortable safety net but again consider law of diminishing marginal returns...

I kept thinking about this thread - I think you are right. I was also taken aback at the pushback, tbh - conceive in 2 years? If only it was that simple. That smacked of the illusion of 'having it all'.
You get to be happy and get what you want, which is to try to conceive and continue to earn very good money, all off the back of all your efforts to date. The next rung to stress and travel is not the dream - unless it was your dream! I agree it's better to stick with remote and you went for interview to get the lay of the land. Trust your instincts, they've got you this far.

If youre already on over 100k, 40k extra is really only 20k after tax. Obviously thats still a good jump but its not as much as it appears on paper.

If you want to have a baby soon, then money is not the only concern. Lots of other people have mentioned all ths important things - maternity package, flexibility. Also starting a new job is hard - you have to work to impress for a good while which can be stressful.

How much does your DH earn? If he earns much less I can see why he's thinking like this but if you're both on over 100k the extra money isn't going to.make much difference to your lives.

How about using the job offer to negotiate a pay rise in your current job?

I was going to say whether there was an opportunity to negotiate a pay rise with current job.

If you are happy where you are and have a comfortable lifestyle and good work/life balance I would stay. As others have said when in a high salary already £40k isn’t going to make as much difference as it would if you were on minimum wage

When I quit work it was obviously a joint decision. Most adults discuss big life changes before committing to them…

There's more to a job than the salary. But that tends to only apply to those in a job that already meets their financial needs.

Flexibility, work life balance, working from home, colleagues, the actual work and bosses also make jobs worth while and are sometimes more important.

I could earn a good 25% more, but financially I'm ok, and I enjoy my work, it's less stress (very often high paying roles are more about handling the stress than the work), it's very flexible and my boss and colleagues are great. So I stay where I am as I'm no longer at a stage where I want to 'climb the ladder'

In your shoes op, if you can afford it, and you're planning to TTC I'd stay put.

I must say I'm really surprised at most of these posts. Can priorities not change over time? And to those saying she should put off TTC for 2 years-what happens if in 2 years she's offered another promotion?

The OP has said that they are financially comfortable. She has also said that she has suffered burnout before. Plus, I would argue it doesn't sound like she has a particularly supportive or understanding partner. So trying to bed into a new role, planning to a wedding and TTC all at the same time will just not be workable.

OP: would you have even questioned your decision if your partner hadn't questioned it? I'm betting not.

In your shoes I would firstly have a very serious conversation with my partner, because pregnancy and motherhood will put you in a vulnerable position, and if he's already going on about you not being ambitious (which is frankly insulting) then you need to speak to him about his expectations. What if you have a difficult pregnancy and have to take time off work? What if you decide to extend your maternity leave or go back PT? And if you do go back FT, will he be there to share all parenting duties 50/50? Is he going to push you to go for further promotions once you've had a baby?

To me the question here isn't about the job opportunity, because it sounds to me like you'll get plenty more of those, it's about whether your partner is on the same page as you.

If you don’t need the extra salary you could take the job but put the unwanted extra into a savings account for your future children. The cost of higher education is a lot and your child could do studies, academic or technical, without having student debt. Also when you have to give your salary when getting another job in the future you’ll be on a higher start point.

It could take time, or it could take no time at all. You can’t bank on not getting knocked up pdq particularly as she’s only 30 and fertility is on her side.

Also when you have to give your salary when getting another job in the future

You don't have to tell future employers your previous salary. They may ask, but you're under no obligation to tell them and you'll be better off simply telling them what you want to be paid by them.

This is one of the outdated practices that bakes in and amplifies the gender pay gap, as being underpaid gets repeated with every new employment.

I think the potential pregnancy is a red herring here.

The OP says she doesn’t need the money and doesn't sound motivated by the extra money. She is happy where she is and enjoys her job. She appears to enjoy being fully remote and values the flexibility she has, which she thinks could be different in this new job.

I am childfree and I would still see those as reasons not to move. Pregnancy isn't the only reason why someone might place a high value on flexibility and work/life balance.

I've been in a job that ground me down before, and it was horrific. Taking that job (and not leaving ASAP because I didn't want my CV to look bad) was one of the worst decisions I've made. My life was horrible during the time I worked there - I was stressed, burnt out, and miserable with no time for the hobbies that bring me joy. That employer could offer me £100k, or £200k extra to go back, and I'd still say no. Some things are worth a lot more than money.

Now that the OP has been to interview, she will have gained a view on what this other company might be like as an employer, what the culture is. She will also have learned about the role itself and the work she'd be doing. She may have picked up on red flags that have made her wary of accepting.

Only the OP can judge whether she wants the new role, but given how financially comfortable she is, the money is a relatively small factor in making that decision (because £20k pa isn't going to drastically change her life). Things like whether she would find the work interesting and enjoyable, and the company culture are more significant imo.

It might do, in which case that's an entirely reasonable reason not to take the job. The OP doesn't actually say any of that though