DP annoyed I’m not accepting higher paid job

[Pinkstickynote]

Getting married this year and going to TTC soon after. I’ve spent years focussing on my career (started out in full time work at 16 as an apprentice - I’m now 30) and climbing the corporate ladder. I’ve been working for a great employer for the past 1.5yrs with good benefits, remote work and whilst the salary is not as high as I could get, I have a great work life balance. My specialism is niche so it’s common to get messages from recruiters about new opportunities. One of these recently piqued my interest as it was £40k higher salary. I did interview and was offered the role but decided against it. The main reasons being our plans to start a family, and no longer feeling motivated to keep climbing the ladder. My prorities have changed, and I’m on to a good thing where I am.

DP cant understand my decision and said he’d always been so attracted to my drive and ambition. He thinks I’m crazy to turn down so much extra money when people would give anything to get a pay increase like that, and I should be getting as much money as possible before we have DC to benefit us when I’m on mat leave/our DC’s future. It’s making me doubt my decision and I’d benefit from some views on this (the place that offered me the role have said if I should change my mind in the next few days, to let them know).

Am I the insane and ungrateful one here? I should point out that DH and I do live a comfortable life as is and have well paid jobs (for context, my salary is low six figures). WWYD?

I'm really curious to know whether the plan once this couple is married is for @Pinkstickynote to carry on with her "ambition", as described now by her future husband, and continue to earn more and whilst her husband will then give up his job or go part-time in order to take on the majority of day-to-day parenting responsibility for their children when they come.

I'm more cynical than that I'm afraid. I'm betting she will be expected to be the breadwinner and do the majority of the parenting and domestic chores and he will do his hardest to convince her it's the best approach for them. After all, he nearly managed to convince her to take a job that she clearly didn't want to take and dangled the threat of no longer finding her attractive in front of her to try and manipulate her.

She will work herself into the ground and he will reap the benefits. But again, it could just be me being cynical.

When I was first reading your post about an extra £40k a year I did initially think why wouldn't you go for it, but when I read that you are already earning over £100k a year that did change my perspective.

If it helps I had my first child when my (exDH) and I were earning £50k between us and we managed just fine so while I can understand the sentiment of your DP saying make as much money as you can before you have DC if we'd been earning over £200k a year between us I really wouldn't be worrying about that 😂

You've clearly worked hard to get where you are by 30 and I think you are allowed to make decisions about jobs and income whilst factoring in the decisions about having children. Yes it may take years or you may conceive after 2 months like I did twice! Your work life balance seems to work for you and having experienced burnout before I can understand why you wouldn't want to rock the boat especially when you've got your eyes set on different goals now.

So you have my support in your decision for what it is worth ❤️

If I was in my 20s or 30s I would definitely take it, whether ttc or not as this can take (10) years! When I hit 40 that was when dc came along so circumstances changed. How old are you OP? And congratulations BTW. Xxx

Oh, my friend, I'm right there with you in the cynicism stakes, I'm just hoping against hope that the OP knows what she's letting herself in for.

I managed to get myself a very high salary, but I walked away from much higher. My husband supported that decision. There comes a point where you realize you have enough. There is a point where you realize that you want to actually have some work-life balance and not end up divorced like every senior person at your company.

The OP is happy where she is and earning enough that the difference in pay rise if she were to take the job she doesn't feel comfortable with is not worth the hassle at the moment. Also, it is clear that, given her abilities, other opportunities will arise which she might feel happier to take. Just imagine 3 years down the line, she's changed job, her hours, including commuting and having to deal with different time-zones, are a nightmare for her with a new baby and she doesn't fit in with the work ethic of the new company and is worried for her mental health. Is that roughly £20k (after tax and commuting and longer hours) increase really going to be worth it for her?

She suffered burnout in her last job and at her current one she has a great work life balance.
She should not take the job.

I say this all the time but people just don't take womens mental health seriously at all.
If the OP was posting that she was irritated that her partner wouldn't take a higher paid job even though they were already both high earners and he had suffered burnout in the past people would be saying they had enough and would she rather a happy healthy husband or was it all about how much money he could earn

I'm not sure this is true. Men's mental health must be terrible given that the biggest cause of death in men under 50 is suicide. Men are much more likely to be the primary/sole earner and shoulder all the stress that comes with that. But of course it affects both sexes and shouldn't be taken lightly in either case.

Womens mental health is absolutely just as bad but it's largely ignored because men are more likely to commit suicide, and a lot of people have taken all the mens mental health campaigns to mean that women have it easier, which just isn't true.

Women are just less likely to commit suicide for various reasons, being a mother is a protective factor against suicide, it doesn't mean the mother might not be in severe emotional pain and turmoil though, just that a suicidal mother will often stay alive for the children.

Other reasons men are more likely to do it include the fact that they tend to use more violent and lethal means meaning that suicide attempts are successful (women make more suicide attempts than men). I know several farmers who killed themselves with guns for example, very easy to just go ahead and do it before you snap out of it when you have a gun, Men are also more likely to be on substances when they kill themselves. Men are also more likely to kill themselves very soon after a break up, that's more of a spontaneous reaction to the trauma rather than some ongoing mental health issue.

Committing suicide versus staying alive while being suicidal doesn't mean that the persons mental health is worse or that the one who committed suicide suffered more.

You can’t plan around non existent children that’s really silly. Turning it down was definitely a terrible idea in my opinion. But only you can make that decision.

What a strange comment.
It's not one bit silly to plan around the possibility of children when you're planning on TTC soon.
It's far more 'silly' to not plan around them.

Take it. You never know how long TTC will take, it is not something everyone can just plan for.

I’ve just taken a lower paid job at my place of work for my mental health and to focus on other stuff. Don’t regret it at all. When you are already comfortably off, it is not all about money.

You are being so sensible. Stick to your decision. Enjoy life, the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Unless there is another reason other that ttc then yes i too think you are crazy. T is for trying.. that can take months/years or unfortunately not happen. If it happens kids are expensive and the more money you can save the better. Also unless you plan on being a sahm having a decent established career is so important. I was still climbing when I had mine and by the time I was ‘out the other side’ I was starting from quite a low point, I wished I’d pushed as hard as I could right up until birth

How about she already earns over 100k, likes her job and her life right now and has previously suffered burnout in a different role? Or how about knowing work life balance would change because there's a global presence and she's been told she'd have to accommodate other time zones?

Good enough reasons for you? Because she said them all.

I think some people on this thread can't have been taught reading comprehension at school.

Lots of ppl saying take the job - but I say work smarter not harder. If you’re comfortable where you are, have a good work-life balance and are happy that’s far more important than a pay rise. Especially as with the tax brackets I suspect that you wouldn’t see enough of that additional 40k per year to make any significant difference. For me the bigger question here is, why did you not discuss this with your partner before you made a decision that impacts you both? He obviously can’t tell you what to do - and ultimately it is your choice but did it not warrant at least a conversation with him before you made a decision? Money cannot buy you happiness - do you think your partner is seeing the £ signs rather than thinking about what’s important? Don’t take a job you’re not excited about - I get the impression if the job excited you you’d have taken for no increase in salary so I get the impression money isn’t necessarily what drives you - but equally don’t stay doing something that doesn’t excite you. Because trust me when you’ve had kids and you’re trying to juggle both kids and work, the only thing that makes worth it is if you enjoy it. 5 years ago I took a pay cut to get out of a miserable situation- was best thing I did for a lot of reasons. I started climbing up and the stress of if set me back. Now I have 2 much less stressful part time jobs with less responsibility , and I take home more. Smarter is better than working harder. Climbing doesn’t have to mean stress and responsibility. Be happy with what you choose

What is your job? I have had all my children and looking for a career change now that I'm 31.

You know more than us and I'm sure you've weighed everything up, it's ok dp saying you should of taken it, but sometimes that extra hassle and stress just isn't worth it, like someone else has said is it going to affect you tax wise so it'll not even benefit you anyways and you could end up in a more stressful job but not vetting the money.

If you're planning on having children and soon, personally I would stay where you are, why start a new job, all that stress, then trying to settle in whilst trying to conceive or having to put that off for at least another couple of years whilst you're established... also the grass isn't always greener. You're on good money now, and by the sounds of it, it's not what you want. But it also sounds like you and your dp aren't on the same page either. If dp wants more money he can always go out and earn it. X

I agree, OP knows company she's in well and am sure they will support a pregnancy, going for higher paid job just because, could be deadly , not as supportive no remote working etc etc,

Personally I'd stick where you are OP, money isn't everything, and if you are comfortable where you are and have benefit of work life balance.then why risk it. New company might be difficult once you have children after starting so soon after. Is there scope for any more promotion in your company now? When you went for interview for other job, did you explain your plans for future? as I would have, to know their views and what they offer in maternity/ parenting package. I do understand your husband's view as to getting as much money before conceiving, it just depends on how long you want to wait. All the best OP

Ok, so first off, I don't think anyone is being unreasonable here. Let's be realistic, it is a huge amount of money and partner is right when he says it will obviously set you up better financially for any children that may come.

However your opinion and reaction and reasonings are also valid. It's a job you enjoy and like and work life balance is so important.

I would be checking their maternity packages ect and seeing what the deal.xiuld be when they come along. I would also probably approach my current employer about a review on your current salary to see if they could perhaps offer more to bridge the gap from what you currently earn and what you could potentially earn somewhere else...