DP annoyed I’m not accepting higher paid job

[Pinkstickynote]

Getting married this year and going to TTC soon after. I’ve spent years focussing on my career (started out in full time work at 16 as an apprentice - I’m now 30) and climbing the corporate ladder. I’ve been working for a great employer for the past 1.5yrs with good benefits, remote work and whilst the salary is not as high as I could get, I have a great work life balance. My specialism is niche so it’s common to get messages from recruiters about new opportunities. One of these recently piqued my interest as it was £40k higher salary. I did interview and was offered the role but decided against it. The main reasons being our plans to start a family, and no longer feeling motivated to keep climbing the ladder. My prorities have changed, and I’m on to a good thing where I am.

DP cant understand my decision and said he’d always been so attracted to my drive and ambition. He thinks I’m crazy to turn down so much extra money when people would give anything to get a pay increase like that, and I should be getting as much money as possible before we have DC to benefit us when I’m on mat leave/our DC’s future. It’s making me doubt my decision and I’d benefit from some views on this (the place that offered me the role have said if I should change my mind in the next few days, to let them know).

Am I the insane and ungrateful one here? I should point out that DH and I do live a comfortable life as is and have well paid jobs (for context, my salary is low six figures). WWYD?

Actually she does. She states it's global and so would require accommodating different time zones.

The OP has literally said: "The new role is also a global scope, so a lot more responsibility and potential to have to work late to accommodate differing time zones."

Apologies, for some reason the updates to the thread weren't showing in my feed.

The OP has left the room. The advice is conflicting.

Re the relationship I'd be thinking this of my partner

She's probably at work, rather than having "abandoned" the thread.

^ Exactly this! I’ve only just had a chance to catch up.

Thank you everyone for the input, it’s been really helpful. Safe to say I feel confident with my original decision!

Sounds like you have made the best decision then.

You dont know how long it will take to get pregnant. No one does. I got pregnant without even trying twice, and it took 1 month for the one where we were trying. Then my SIL had infertility issues for about 6 years. You just don’t know.

That is a lot of money to your average person - my salary is only a bit more than the amount you’ve been offered extra! I am currently seeking other employment though and would jump at the chance of even a 10k increase. I have a very comfortable life but more money would make it more enjoyable!

Do what you feel is right for you x

I think you’ve considered everything and made the right decision for you.

i get that if someone earns £30k then getting a £40k pay rise seems insane to turn down, but when you both already earn good money and are comfortable then the pay off doesn’t seem worth it. Realistically after tax, increased commuting costs etc you may only take home £1k more per month or maybe even less.

i don’t think you said your age, but I know too many people who put off having kids and have really struggled. You’re in a good position financially and it sounds like you’re in a job you now like so personally I think you’ve made the right choice.

I also think there is so much pressure to constantly earn more money, take on more responsibility etc but I don’t think it’s always the right choice. It’s not like you’re settling for a terribly paid job to be happy, you still have a great job!

perhaps you could raise it in your next meeting with your manager that you were headhunted and offered the role and also mention the salary. They might not offer you the full £40k but they might offer you a bit more money.

good luck with ttc and the job.

I think you made the right choice. Like most men he underestimates the time it takes to care for children and a household. The new job is not going to like offering you this position and then in a few years or less you are taking leave and then working less hours. Maybe that won't happen, maybe he will step up, but statistically and realistically it will be you whose unpaid workload will massively increase. and you who will be facing a new, angry employer instead of one who is already comfortable with your current arrangement.
Maybe it is time to sit down and once again have a conversation about what starting a family actually means and the time and energy it takes. Because it takes more than money. Maybe show him the statistics of women who are forced out of the workforce after having children and it is better now for you and your employer to already be used to flexibility.

@Pinkstickynote theI'd have taken the new job tbh for 3 reasons

1. There's no loyalty to staff so I never feel attached to an employer.
2. The New employer could have been better than your current employer.
3. You'd have had £40k gross income more.

I appreciate climbing the slippery pole to exec level can be challenging for those of us who want a family and w/l balance, but you may have been able to go back part time after having a child and still had a cracking income . For me it's about chickens not eggs.

My suggestion would be ask him how long he thinks you should be in a new job at a higher salary before getting pregnant. I think you will find your answer then as to why he wanted you to take it i.e. not so open to having a child as you think. Sorry if you find this an unacceptable answer - he's driving this. Wake up before you go into this marriage as he will ground you down. How many other times has he made you question your decisions and made you think your the one who is wrong?

I'm still worried that you're closing your eyes to some undiscussed or unmentioned fundamental disagreements you and your fiancé may have about what your marriage is going to be about and how it's going to work. Ambition in a career is not the only important thing in life. Does he really want children, or are you assuming he does? Will he participate in bringing them up with you 50/50, or will he expect you to parent 100% at the same time as bringing in more money than he does? Think on, @Pinkstickynote.

Stay in your current job. You are happy there. Money isn't everything when you are working. And you have a high income already.
My last job before retirement paid about 30% less than the job I left. I stayed there for 13 years and enjoyed the majority of those years.
So stay where you are and as the children come along you can always keep your skills up-to-date by taking classes during your maternity leave.

I'd have serious reservations about getting married.

Because the two of you are not on the same page about your futures.

Your future is maternity leave.

His future is you both being big financial contributors to luxury quality of life.

Have you two actually sat down and talked to each other?

More money doesn’t translate into more happiness.

Salary aside - does this new role provide you opportunity to grow and work-life balance that you would soon require? Also. Do you think you’d be happier in the new role? Do you like its culture and people? Being pregnant in a job that you hate would make it very difficult!

Is it fear of failure holding you back?

Your previous job resulted in burnout, you still have a great work life balance earning over 1k, your partner earns similar but he still expects you to keep earning more.

There's more to life than money....such as the work life balance, health etc as you said.
I would stay where you are.

I personally agree with your stance, OP. There’s way more to life than money, especially when you’re already earning a salary whereby you can live life comfortably and with luxuries. Working somewhere you’re happy and supported is much more important in the long run. I stuck with my role in a company I had been with for a long time as I knew the maternity benefits were great and I’d be safe if wanting to go part-time. Turned out my pregnancy was really complicated, maternity started almost four months early and my little one has many needs and appointments. My company are absolutely fantastic and understanding because I’m part of the furniture so I’m thrilled I stayed where I am. I basically write my own rota and can change my days at the drop of a hat if I need to. That level of flexibility is really invaluable to me. Yes the new company may be the same or better, but if you’re in a good position financially and happy where you are, why risk it??

If I were already earning six figures in a company where I was really happy with a good work life balance and planning to start a family, I would probably stay put. Its not always about the money and to have a supportive flexible company behind you when you have children is a godsend. If however I was earning £40 k and offered £40K more then I would accept the job offer.

A better job usually has improved benefits with it such as maternity pay. I would have taken the job and then delayed TTC by a couple of months to ensure full benefits. I can see why your DP feels frustrated.

@pollymere better benefits may not be available until you have worked there for a certain period of time. I would also assume as OP is earning in excess of £100k that she already has an enhanced benefit package

Why? Because they need more and more money? even though they are already high earners?

I'd be more than frustrated at his response to this if I were the OP, I'd be very hurt and very angry that he was putting money (that we didn't need) before my wellbeing, despite the fact I suffered burnout in my last job and now had a new one that provided a great work life balance.

Not to mention that the OP's DP already earns £15k less than her, and if she had taken the new job he'd be earning approximately 50% less than her. So maybe he needs to look at why he is not as "ambitious" as the OP because she might start finding that unattractive too...