DP annoyed I’m not accepting higher paid job

[Pinkstickynote]

Getting married this year and going to TTC soon after. I’ve spent years focussing on my career (started out in full time work at 16 as an apprentice - I’m now 30) and climbing the corporate ladder. I’ve been working for a great employer for the past 1.5yrs with good benefits, remote work and whilst the salary is not as high as I could get, I have a great work life balance. My specialism is niche so it’s common to get messages from recruiters about new opportunities. One of these recently piqued my interest as it was £40k higher salary. I did interview and was offered the role but decided against it. The main reasons being our plans to start a family, and no longer feeling motivated to keep climbing the ladder. My prorities have changed, and I’m on to a good thing where I am.

DP cant understand my decision and said he’d always been so attracted to my drive and ambition. He thinks I’m crazy to turn down so much extra money when people would give anything to get a pay increase like that, and I should be getting as much money as possible before we have DC to benefit us when I’m on mat leave/our DC’s future. It’s making me doubt my decision and I’d benefit from some views on this (the place that offered me the role have said if I should change my mind in the next few days, to let them know).

Am I the insane and ungrateful one here? I should point out that DH and I do live a comfortable life as is and have well paid jobs (for context, my salary is low six figures). WWYD?

She has a well paid job, and that additional 40k is barely going to be 20k after taxes and expenditures are taken into account. If her partner wants more money then he can leave a job he loves and make more.

OP’s DH has arrived.

I think it’s possible to be driven, career minded and to also want to take time out to spend time with your children when they are young.

Personally I’d see it as a bit of a red flag that your ‘drive’ (which seems to only mean how much money you earn from what he said) is what attracts him to you.

If he thinks you need more money as a family then he is just as capable as going out and getting a new job with a 40k pay increase himself.

There is a lot of pressure to be working yourself into the ground these days but it can be hard emotionally going back to work and spending time away from baby/toddler.

It is not about her partner. It’s about her declining a higher salary & opportunity on basis of what ifs and maybe about starting a family
Take the salary and opportunities and have a family
Don't be cosily complacent

Having a great work life balance on 100k or more is not to be sniffed at. Your made the right decision.

Out of interest what area do you work in?

I would recommend staying put in your current role if you plan to TTC soon. But your DP doesn't sound like he's all that on board with that as a priority if he wants you to take the new job (even though he already earns less than you do). If you're in the low six figures then you're probably looking at the 60% marginal tax rate for a fair chunk of the £40k.

You really do need to think about the dynamics of being the higher earner in the relationship. Is he going to be the primary care-giver? Could he cope or will it fall to you? Or will you both outsource it to a nanny so your career doesn’t have to take a backseat? Will he even support you going part-time after kids if that’s the main benefit of the £40k uplift? What if you split up? I say this as someone who was the higher earner and whose exH (or his ego) just couldn’t cope with the dynamics of my longer hours and higher pay even though he was happy for me to contribute more to the family finances and definitely did not support me quitting my highly paid job and becoming a SAHM for a bit even though I was miserable.

Frankly, the issue is not the £40k, it’s whether you and your DP are still on the same page about starting a family together and all that entails.

Why can’t DP find a job that’s 40k higher if that’s how he thinks? Life isn’t all about work, you need to have a balance. Especially if you are thinking about having children. I quit my very very good career (easily very good 6 figures by now) to be a SAHM. I sacrifice holidays, a bigger house etc but I get time with my DC and that’s all that matters to me. It’s harder for a man to understand that I think, but they’ll realise when your DC is here.

Very well said

I agree with this post. I was in a similar position to you a few years ago with the difference I was older (closer to my mid-30’s). I took the job. Worked very hard for one year, on which I gained the trust of my manager and colleagues, got pregnant one year after accepting the job. Everyone fully supported me during pregnancy and when I came back to work.

It was the right choice for me and placed me in a stronger position in my career moving forward. It would have been impossible to accept a new job now, during toddlerhood.

The extra money provided me a comfortable maternity leave and minimized stresses involving childcare costs, increased cost of living, mortgage rates spiking etc.

Good luck OP!

I never read mn men being told it’s only £40k or to maintain salary status quo
the alternative job offer clearly value her skills to pay her more. Does her current job value her? They need to have a discussion as a couple regard parenting and their respective ideas and expectations. I’d advise anyone planning ttc tp do this . discuss
childcare expectations
state or private school
nursery or childminder
when to return to work? FT or PT? If she’s expected to drop work hours will he do so too?

Wouldn't, if it was me, a job that you would have to learn, and work at to find your place/ fit, versus one you're comfortable with. You plan on having children soon, and you are already on a fantastic wage. Your focus is conceiving and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I'd explain that you aren't demotivated, but your motivation currently has a different focus, that's all. Sounds like if the are is niche, you'll have opportunities after you've had kids without too much issue. As a 6 figure earner, I would stick where you were and crack on with your life plan

Did your partner give up work or just you?why did you feel compelled to give up work?
TBH,I think it’s sad that capable women give up work

From what you say, you will be financially well enough off with either role. At this point, presuming you are serious about wanting to be a mum in the not too distant future, I would look at which company would have the best attitude to you being mum? Best maternity pay/length of time off? Most likely to let you come back after mat leave part time (if you want)? Most likely to be sympathetic, and potentially still pay you something when the kid or the childminder wake up with a raging fever and you have to call off at short notice? Most like to STILL be sympathetic when the childminder, then your kid, then you, wake up puking a few days apart?! Seriously I love being a mum, but I moved from a workplace where time off for childcare emergencies were met with "if you really need to, come back soon" to somewhere where it was "of course, don't worry, you're a mum first, hope all is well soon" and it's made so much difference to my mental health.

Sounds like it was her choice.

It’s sad that women fail to understand the draw and value of being a SAHM for a period.

Sounds like you might be assuming the new company will be toxic/push you to burn out based on your previous experience? Have you done any due diligence ? What's their reputation? How are pregnant/returning colleagues treated in your current organisation and the other one? At some point if you want to buy her sick doing the same role for the next 20 years you are very likely to need to move. Why not now? If not now, when and to which company/role. As others if said babies don't arrive on cue. It could take a few years......

DH and I are in a similar boat to you. Earning combined around £225k. Both have extremely relaxed jobs. We have 1 DC and don’t plan to have more. DC is early school aged. My company was recently threatening layoffs and I looked around the market. I didn’t get laid off but I did interview several times and could be earning a similar amount more to you. But I don’t want to do it. I love my job and it effectively allows me to have most of the benefits to being a stay at home parent without having to be a stay at home parent. If DC is ill, it doesn’t make the slightest issue if either of us take time off. I can cook during the day, tidy etc. I have a fantastic work life balance. My company is pretty extreme in W/L balance though - I told the director of my division that I was spending less than 20 hours/week on my job and he told me that was awesome and meant they really needed to promote me.

I went right up to the edge of taking a job for more money and concluded that the money I’d need to trade the flexibility would need to be 2-3x my current salary to be worth it.

DH and I do have low fixed expenses though so have a lot of slack in the budget already, even after 5 years of high childcare costs, we have a lot of savings, put about 20% a year into pensions, go on 3-4 holidays, usually at least 1 long haul etc. If we weren’t able to do all those things, I would consider harder whether the trade off was worth it.

It’s not a what if it’s a plan. They’re getting married this year and will TTC after.

What about what matters to your partner? Does he get any say in this? Or doesn't that matter to you? Maybe he would like to not work and have someone else provide for him.

I really don't understand the concept of sacrificing a career on the altar of motherhood.

This is what you need to repeat to yourself.

Add to that the pressures and stresses of being a mum and it becomes a million times more important to have that balance in life and a supportive work culture. Money is not the key to happiness.

I would be concerned about your dh’s attitude and whether resentment will slip in once you have a family if you choose to focus on that instead of your career.

Have a very thorough discussion with him. If it turns out he doesn’t think much of your potential role as a mum and can only continue to be respectful in the relationship while you are career driven then you have a serious problem.

It’s a what if. As she is not pg and they’re planning a baby. That could take time,But it’s a what if at the moment as she isn’t pg

A couple of thoughts. Have you read Lean In? Highly recommend, the whole point is to lean into your work until you need the time out, don’t take your foot off gas just because it’s on horizon. On the other hand i think you should do what your comfortable with; are you concerned this new company you wouldn’t have such good work life balance? I’m guessing there were things about it that you didn’t feel as happy with as your current employer or you’d have snapped it up? Cause more money certainly doesn’t mean more hours or stress, it’s about the organisation set up and culture. I’m (sadly) earning around half what I used to but my current employer is one of worst places I’ve worked.

You’ve done the right thing imo. We both took pay cuts when we had kids and we’ve done it for a slightly easier life. Better work life balance. I’m so glad we did. Plenty of time for new jobs once the kids are at school if you so wish!

It seems you are happy where you are and didn’t want to risk that; not everything is money and you have a good salary already. Of the 40k lots will go on taxes unless you put it towards pension.

Trust your instincts; The 40k extra may have come with some sacrifices

Go for the job that will be easier to do whilst juggling a family.

It sounds as if you have considered that, so be confident in your decision. Money isn’t everything,

@Pinkstickynote, is your DP equally keen to start a family?

Does he have children from a previous relationship?