OH has awful table manners and it’s making me question our whole relationship

[JosephineCornwall]

My bf of just over 3 months has shocking table manners….lip smacking, eating with mouth open, licking his knife, licking fingers (this is the worse one as it’s often and noisily and doesn’t use a napkin), licks the plate at the end of his meal…..you get my drift. In most other aspects I think we have the foundations for a LTR, however when I see him eating I want to dump him!! 😱 I have hinted at him that it’s not the done thing but am I being unreasonable to give him an ultimatum?

It's a good job we are all different in the world.

He'd be under my patio.

Well done for your patience 👏

My ex started to pick his teeth with his fork. That was the last straw for me. I think these things eventually become an obsessions for you and you just won't be able to tolerate it long term.

DH once licked the plate, early on in our relationship. I was thoroughly disgusted, told him so, and he never did it again.

Talk to him!

OP how have you not already got the total ick??

I mean you have been with him a while and you are now complaining about it. It's your fault for leading him on.. if you had a phobia of bad manners you would have known straight away.
As a man this is so petty as we let women get a way with a lot of crap.
Table manners are only for the rich and snobbery. The person who licks their plate enjoys their meal. Or hasn't had a decent one in a while.
If men had the same gears to grind as women the human race would have stopped a millenia ago.
When my mate comes around he hates me chewing with my mouth open. He has some weird phobia of noises.
If this is the worst thing your man does than you are blessed.

I love all these nasty comments on here without the full information. We do not know the history of this man at all but are quick to judge.

He could have had a TBI.

He could have been in the care system from a young age or had no positive role models as a youngster, having come from a dysfunctional family and just needs some guidance. You'd be surprised what effect adverse childhood experiences cause.

It could be a cultural thing so he's still learning and picking things up as he goes.

He could just be a savage, I will also concede that but people are so judgey on mums net at everything they do is perfect.

Oh dear, this is a major ick isn't it. If he ticks all of the other boxes, just sit down and be honest with him. It may be that he came from a large family where he felt he had to 'fight' for his share of the food and this is where the habits have come from. For some people it's partly cultural.

Mention his positive traits first and how excited you are for the future but then tell him that table manners are really important to you (and for future socialising with friends and family, setting the right example for children). Give him a chance to try and change, make it light hearted at the dinner table. Give him a cuddle if he seems to be trying etc. If he doesn't try, I think you know what the answer is. Good luck.

Bearing in mind that he was fine when you first got together - I'd have walked out and dumped him the first time he behaved like that. I feel physically sick watching people eat like this, the thought of putting up with it reglarly would kill any attraction I had for him stone dead.

You're missing the point that he's already shown he can eat quite normally when he feels like it.

Have a grown up conversation with him. If this is a deal breaker for you, say so. He might want to put the work in, he might not. But you won't know until he is aware of the problem.

I may be missing the point @Horsemother but is his 'eating like a norma person' just masking behaviour that takes a lot of energy?

Not quite the same level but I'm left handed. I always used to eat like a right handed person when out but it was draining. Eventually i went forget this I need to eat and not be drained at the struggle and now walk into a restaurant and change everything around. Waiters are horrified 60% of the time and say something or try and rearrange it.

I genuinely wouldn't have made it past the first dinner date.

Table manners are so important to me, and I struggle with food noises.

Where on earth are these restaurants where the waiting staff are so judgy?
I am right handed but eat left handed (I think due to being brought up by left handed parents). I always switch my cutlery round to 'my' way and no-one has ever commented on it. Would probably get short shrift if they did, tbh.

Live alone? fine (and have been known to do this with soup). Out in public? nope.

... but agree with other posters that the OP's boyfriend's behaviour is mannerless and deal-breaking.

Book him into dining etiquette lessons for his birthday.
Someone else needs to be very honest to his face and you, once you indroduce the topic, should not be the main instructor.
Have the serious discussion about his eating habits being off puting and that the rest of him is lovable.

It's only worth doing all this if he is a long term keeper.

@RenoDakota this is gonna sound super twatty but we don't eat out as a couple so when we do it's always an event for us such as anniversary and we always go to fine dining and Michelin star places.

If its a mates birthday down the local hungry horse they don't give a toss tbf.

I get you. But I would still bite back if someone tried to switch my cutlery round even in the finest establishment 🙂

Deal breaker for me. If someone's got all the way to adulthood with horrible table manners, they're not going to change now. Sorry.

I think if there is any part of someone's innate behaviour that turns your stomach, you're done. I would have made it past the first meal.

wouldn't

We men are not good at taking hints, reading between the lines, etc....
Just say it straight!
And yes, it would gross me out too

I couldn’t live with that. An old family friend of ours - educated and always had good jobs - had such appalling table manners, there used to be arguments in this family about who was not going to sit opposite him at the table!

Utterly gross.
How his wife put up with it I don’t know, but she was from another European country and perhaps table manners are not such a Thing there.

In any case, he was the sort of person who’d probably have responded to any hints or comments by behaving even worse.

It'd be hard NO from me - if it annoys you this early in the relationship, it's only going to be more irritating I'm afraid