To be put off by his literacy issues?

[Saratoga212]

It's becoming increasingly clear that bf (9.yrs older) has literacy issues.

After numerous things I, gently, suggested perhaps he could be dyslexic but not diagnosed due to lack of awareness and diagnosis when he was at school ..... He didn't say much at the time but has since expressed considerable offence at the suggestion
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(I actually thought I was being diplomatic, as opposed to saying "how can your literacy be so poor, coming from a family of teachers?" (The females in the family are/were teachers; I get the impression his late father was not literate)).

I'm also finding it off-putting, especially because he sometimes overcompensates/deflects by acting as though I am slow and obtuse when not grasping what he is saying in his incomprehensible texts.

(He mostly avoids texting).

Would this put you off someone for a relationship?

From his offence at what I said, I don't think he would be remotely open to eg an adult literacy course.

Unless he feels he has difficulties, I don’t see why he’d agree to engage with adult literacy initiatives. I think you probably need to accept the situation, or move on if it’s a dealbreaker for you.

I will admit I think literacy is important, but other things matter to me much more in a relationship. On the other hand, if you’re struggling with communication, that can spell trouble.

YANBU. But it’s often not said out loud!

he sometimes overcompensates/deflects by acting as though I am slow and obtuse when not grasping what he is saying in his incomprehensible texts.

🚩

Why would it put you off? Are you really that shallow?

In some instances, poor spelling does put me off, but only in the context of seeming more generally stupid and ignorant. For example, I am noticing a correlation between racists, conspiracy theorists etc and a poor grasp of the English Language. If it’s just a case of poor spelling though, I could deal with it. Given that his family are teachers, there’s likely to be something more in it than just being stupid.

Oh, and it would definitely put me off someone if they’re using text speak as an adult. I literally blocked someone once because they text me ‘’Wuu2?’’ and he was 36. Just a straight up block. Such a turn off. God knows why they don’t understand how cringeworthy it is 🤣

He’s deflecting on you because he’s clearly insecure about it though so you need to nip that in the bud and let him know that’s not acceptable.

YANBU. I'd be outta there.

Poor literacy is disabling. There's a reason why literacy is one of the big disadvantage markers along with lifespan, maternal & infant death rates, hunger and disease. It's the same reason women were not taught to read and write for centuries. Illiteracy closes doors and closes minds, hampers everyday life and limits opportunities. No way I'd be taking that on, even if his dick was solid gold.

The fact that he's proud (?) of it or, at best, defensive would send me running even faster. I worked with two very bright, but illiterate, people in the past. I taught one of them to read. The other was almost certainly dyslexic - this was a long time ago. I wrote his letters for him and read things out when he asked. While I don't even think I'd contemplate a relationship with someone like that, I sure as hell wouldn't if he's so stubborn about it that he won't even dictate texts to his phone!

Up to you, of course, but it's "goodbye" from me!

If it an isolated thing in itself then no I would be fine with it, as in on a day to day basis does it really affect things?

People can be perfectly well rounded normal people who just happen to have issues with spelling etc. but there are some people who make it their whole life and have an attitude or have other issues with not being able to function as an independant individual so it depends

My dh can read perfectly fine but his spelling is terrible. Thank god for predictive text. When he's texting words that he doesn't text very often he's constantly asking me how to spell them. 40 years I've had to put up with his bad spelling!
At high school there were 4 courses, 1 being the top. I was in course 1 & he was in course 3. He still managed to get a decent job as a tool maker & cnc programmer & earned enough so I could be a sahm when our children were little. He's good around the house & DIY, good with normal car maintenance & has more common sense than me. That's on top of bring a good husband & father. Where would I be without him? Up shit creek without a paddle.
Our dgs had a speech delay & is behind his peers on school work despite trying very hard. Dd is going to broach the subject of dyslexia to his school.
I just hope our dgs doesn't get into a relationship with someone as superior & shallow as you!

Maybe he gets defensive & has an attitude because you're making an issue of it, making him feel small?

I think it depends what else he has going on. If he is kind, funny, responsible, friendly, had a good job etc it wouldn't bother me. If he was mean, arrogant, rude, unable to hold a job it would be a bigger issue.

We all have our strong suits and weaker areas. Are you good at everything?

This sums up my thoughts.

Well I come from a family of several dyslexics (I’m the odd one out who wasn’t and, in fact, was always extremely verbal) so I understand the difficulties. Some of the dyslexic family members went on to have extremely successful careers.
However choosing a long-term partner depends on more than just “being nice” to them - you do have to have shared interests and background and, sometimes, something like different levels of literacy and educational background can be too big a gap to bridge. You have to assess whether this is the case for you and this man.

Does it affect his work do you think?
he could easily use the dictation microphone button to send texts that would be clearer but it sounds like he wouldn’t find that suggestion helpful?! As a dyslexic adult it’s nothing to be embarrassed about- I accept the things I need help with for example but sounds like he was very defensive

Poor literacy wouldn't really bother me. The blaming it on you isn't very nice though.

For me it’s not the fact that he has low literacy, it’s the fact that he’s not willing to acknowledge the issue or seek help.

its the same as if someone was clinically depressed (or chronically ill in another way) - I’m not breaking up with someone for struggling with their mental health, but I’d quickly end a relationship if they were unwilling to see a GP/therapist/medication or somehow making their depression my issue to solve for them.

if he is in denial then he can’t be helped. Don’t let him bring you down.

No but you would put me off by the way your treating him. I find it hard to believe you don't know what he's saying and I think you just like to make a thing about it

What has the OP done wrong?

Give us an example.

I would not block someone for using text abbreviations.

The odd spelling mistake is also not offensive to me.

Is it just a spelling problem? That could be overcome. Or does he not read widely, watch current affairs, have an awareness of what’s going on in the world, care about current social issues and is not a generally informed person? I don’t think spelling would be a deal breaker but a general lack of knowledge, interest and awareness in the world would be a huge deal breaker. Literacy really is linked to many valuable outcomes.

No, it wouldn't. I would assume that he has many other good qualities and so spelling & grammar wouldn't concern me. I work in the building trade where some of the lads are brilliant at what they do but struggle with reading etc.

I think the deflecting is probably because bringing up his struggle with literacy makes him feel stupid, I don't think it's a 'red flag' but more a defence mechanism, which I can understand. He sees you as his girlfriend and not his tutor.

poor literacy is more than poor spelling, which in itself drives me crazy and rightly or wrongly I do judge people for it. I also find it annoying when people write ‘brought’ instead of bought. Chester draw instead of chest of drawers sort of thing. So not being able to read more complex books, I would find off putting. How do they feed their intelligence because life is constant learning. If he was trying to overcome his difficulties and had other ways such as audiobooks/held intelligent conversation/had wide interests and knowledge then maybe I could still be attracted to him. But I’m with the “it’s goodbye frime me” poster.

I would struggle with someone who is effectively functionally illiterate and not willing or able to do something about it. Not as a friend, but as a partner, for me it would be a deal breaker. I feel sad for him, it must be very difficult and possibly he doesn’t understand the depth of his issues, but if he struggles to write in a comprehensible way, then he will also have issues reading.

If he is diagnosed as dyslexic then what? He will still need to spend hours and hours attending an adult literacy course, which sounds like will only benefit him in being able to text you? Or do you just want the validation so when you don’t understand his messages you can use the diagnosis to stay categorically it was his fault?

Given that his family are teachers, there’s likely to be something more in it than just being stupid.

Wow! This is probably why he’s defensive, poor literacy doesn’t mean stupid.

His poor literacy isn’t the issue, his compensating is. His shame doesn’t give him the right to be a dick. I wouldn’t pussyfoot around him being a dick, call him out on it every time.

Most people on MN won't even contemplate a man who hasn't got at least a degree preferably a masters so I actually do t think it's too much to ask that someone can read or write.

But after 9 years together?

Why is it an issue now.?