To be put off by his literacy issues?

[Saratoga212]

It's becoming increasingly clear that bf (9.yrs older) has literacy issues.

After numerous things I, gently, suggested perhaps he could be dyslexic but not diagnosed due to lack of awareness and diagnosis when he was at school ..... He didn't say much at the time but has since expressed considerable offence at the suggestion
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(I actually thought I was being diplomatic, as opposed to saying "how can your literacy be so poor, coming from a family of teachers?" (The females in the family are/were teachers; I get the impression his late father was not literate)).

I'm also finding it off-putting, especially because he sometimes overcompensates/deflects by acting as though I am slow and obtuse when not grasping what he is saying in his incomprehensible texts.

(He mostly avoids texting).

Would this put you off someone for a relationship?

From his offence at what I said, I don't think he would be remotely open to eg an adult literacy course.

How long have you been together and how old is he?

The defensive reaction could well be due to being humiliated in the past, so if it's a fairly new relationship he may well not be open to discussing something so awkward.

I dated a man who had left school to go working when he was 12, not entirely uncommon in Ireland amongst people of his generation (he's in his early 60s). His literacy was poor enough but he was one of the soundest people I ever met and certainly the most generous and thoughtful boyfriend. He had also managed to build a decent business despite having hurdles that most people, including me, never have to think of. He was and is worth ten of some of the highly educated men I know. What he wouldn't have done is have tried to make me feel stupid for not understanding him, that would put me off.

My point overall is that for me, literacy would not be a deal-breaker at all, it is someone's overall character and how they are in the world that matter. Both my parents have massive literacy problems and are also fine people. My mother writes more cards and sends more letters than most people I know DESPITE how difficult she finds it, that to me is much more impressive than having been lucky enough to be a generation younger and just being lucky to have better educational opportunities.

I wouldn't have much interest in being in a relationship with someone who had low literacy. I'm academic & reading & learning are at the core of my life & I like to be in a relationship with someone who shares these interests.

Similarly I am not sporty in the slightest & also couldn't stand being with someone whose life revolved around sporting fixtures. Its just how it is.

I think it depends. I would be more worried about him making you out to be slow etc. Maybe he does notice and is embarrassed but not asking or seeking help for it would be off putting. Actually having dyslexia, no. My DH has it and his spelling isn't great and he can sometimes take a while to figure some things out but he is kind, caring, loving and a brilliant husband and dad. He also holds down a well paid job and has not been out of work since he was 16.

I think it would come down to how he handles it and the treatment of others rather than just being put off by someone having literacy issues.

This is why I would be done.

Agree with all of this. You don't have to stay with this guy if it doesn't work for you.

The dyslexia itself would not be an issue for me. What would have me running for the hills is the fact he acts like you are slow to not pick up his texts when deep down he knows he has issues and just doesn't own them.

He potentially had some (misplaced) shame in this area and perhaps picks up you find his literacy 'a put off'. In this instance how is he supposed to act to your judgment and why does it matter? What are the qualities you like about him? I think it says more about you that you're put off by something he potentially can't help and your suggestion he needs to remediate it as it's a problem for you.

I agree with all that. People with genuine learning difficulties can still find ways to engage with current affairs etc if they want to. But, yes, poor literacy can lead to general lack of engagement which is a massive problem.

Is it just his literacy that is poor? How is his numeracy?? Poor literacy and poor numeracy often go hand in hand. Poor numeracy can be a much bigger problem with more likelihood of getting in debt, not saving for retirement/life problems, not budgeting, not making good choices with comparison sites etc.

This.

@AGodawfulsmallaffair you’re late to the party. This has been done. Unfortunately for you though it was not a spelling error. I can spell from. Shock ! To be fair. It was funny the first time.

Send voice notes and be kind

DH is severely dyslexic and dyscalculic and struggles day to day with all reading. I basically read and analyse for a living. I do all the paperwork for the house, am currently doing all the maths for his pension choices on leaving the military this year.

He wasn't diagnosed until sitting his Functional Skills / GCSE equivalents in his thirties and was written off as stupid at school so he's always believed it to be true.

Literacy has a huge effect on self belief. DH gets very angry with himself and very frustrated when he struggles with fairly low level stuff, especially when there is a computer involved...

Your chap may still believe he's stupid, especially if he has well educated siblings who have no issues with literacy. Have a think about that part and whether you think it's relevant.

But I bet you accept the dyslexia for what it is and don't shove in his face his parents and teachers might have missed it, or gently suggest doing adult literacy courses.

I actually think most people would be offended if a partner was to suggest their educational standards didn't met their satisfaction

20 percent of the British population is functionally illiterate. Only 10 percent is dyslexic, and of that ten percent only 4 percent severely . There is every chance this man is functionally illiterate and it is not dyslexia The fact his mother was a teacher is irrelevant. Not all kids are willing to learn. Not all parents make the effort.

no one should simply assume someone who is functionally illiterate is dyslexic, that does a huge disservice to those with dyslexia. Many of whom are fully literate and have over come many hurdles to be so.

I think it's safe to assume teacher parents would put the effort into making sure there own kids could read.

That’s not even remotely safe to assume. Far from it. Nor is it safe to assume he was willing.

It would put me off and I would not want children with him.

I'd also be worried about his job opportunities if he was made redundant.

@YoureALizardHarry11 I love how all the people tussling with you are actually proving your point, vigorously! 😂 Reading comprehension is also part of literacy and those posters’ skills are terrible. I’m always shocked at the bad comprehension skills on MN. People jump on posts immediately without taking time to understand and then twist the narrative to make their own obtuse point. Then when you point it out they don’t back down. Just loud and wrong along with bad spelling or bought/brought screwups! 😂

Nope. Women don't have to 'be kind' and stay in relationships if they don't work for them. Especially not with men who act like this:

he sometimes overcompensates/deflects by acting as though I am slow and obtuse when not grasping what he is saying in his incomprehensible texts.

The thing is, I think all of us are ‘shallow’ to some degree. We all have things we find attractive and things they don’t. How many of those calling the OP shallow have rejected someone because of the way they look? There are certain characteristics people find attractive, and some that people don’t. If the OP finds it unattractive, well then that’s what it is.

It wouldn't bother me but what would bother me is that he tries to make you feel stupid rather than just apologising

Nope. Women don't have to 'be kind' and stay in relationships if they don't work for them

100% this. And a lesson im already having to give to my 10 year old who came home from school upset last week because her whole class fell out with her for being ‘mean’ because a boy asked her to be his girlfriend and she said no. Apparently that’s horrid and unkind.

My DH potentially has a little something like this going on, his spelling at times isn't great. I find it endearing. He is amazing in every single way, the best DH, my best friend, caring, loving, and incredibly hard worker who is really successful in his work. I can't see why this would have any impact on a decision to be with someone or not, and I'd never suggest he goes on a course, how rude and judgemental. That's his decision.

If you had read my actual disagreement with the poster you had quoted, you'd have seen she referred to people who cannot spell as 'dim and ignorant' including those with dyslexia (at one point). The poster then changed their views when people disagreed with them.

Being able to spell does not make someone more intelligent than someone who cannot. Just as getting good grades at school doesn't mean someone will do well in their career.

The fact is the poster you are supporting has been narrow-minded, ableist and grossly offensive to those of us who DO have dyslexia. And, the poster has since edited their posts to remove the offensive language (I have just gone back to check so I could quote it).