To be put off by his literacy issues?

[Saratoga212]

It's becoming increasingly clear that bf (9.yrs older) has literacy issues.

After numerous things I, gently, suggested perhaps he could be dyslexic but not diagnosed due to lack of awareness and diagnosis when he was at school ..... He didn't say much at the time but has since expressed considerable offence at the suggestion
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(I actually thought I was being diplomatic, as opposed to saying "how can your literacy be so poor, coming from a family of teachers?" (The females in the family are/were teachers; I get the impression his late father was not literate)).

I'm also finding it off-putting, especially because he sometimes overcompensates/deflects by acting as though I am slow and obtuse when not grasping what he is saying in his incomprehensible texts.

(He mostly avoids texting).

Would this put you off someone for a relationship?

From his offence at what I said, I don't think he would be remotely open to eg an adult literacy course.

Oh my life 🙄 I give up. Try reading my posts. I have said I’m not talking about dyslexia.

It would put me off of someone was acting like I’m slow because I can’t understand their text. That would be the real deal breaker not the literacy

It's nothing to do with shallow and everything to do with the fact that I wouldn't be able to share a lot of a interests, because he sounds like he's being an arse about it.

I have a dyslexic partner (diagnosed) he's also a teacher and he engages in plenty of literary things, he just might need some support occasionally which is totally fine because he's not a prat.

Yes this is what would put me off too.

But you have said people who can't spell are likely to be ignorant and thick.

Being able to spell is not a sign of intelligence nor it is a sign of someone who can critically think - there's been quite a few people demonstrating this on the thread.

No you don't understand how the school system works.

Spelling etc is taught to young children but you're trying to imply that a child as young as 7 rejects teaching and won't learn spelling because they don't value eduction?

They don't learn because our schools cannot cope with sen.

i don’t think you sound compatible at all @Saratoga212 . In all honesty you sound ableist and the last person to be dating anyone with a disability. Spelling and reading aren’t even on my radar as attributes that I find unattractive or attractive but if they’re key for you then this isn’t your guy.

I am. It would bother me. What would bother me more is how he behaves towards the IP and how it hasn't yet dawned on him to dictate his texts.

Poor literacy certainly is more than poor spelling.
Thank you for this example.

No I didn’t, at all. I said a lot of people who can’t spell are ignorant and thick, and I would base whether or not I would date them based on whether they were otherwise intelligent or not. That’s not the same thing whatsoever. A lot also aren’t ignorant and thick, I realise that. I wouldn’t base my view off spelling alone as my only metric. That was the entire point of my post.

Maybe hes got an undiagnosed learning disability and is embarressed about not being able to write or text properly?

My sons writing is awful for his age, after his parents evening went home and started googling why it was still unreadable at his age and came across Dysgraphia

Not a single member of staff in his school or even the SENCO lady had ever heard of it before.
Getting his results this week. It's not well heard of and lots of adults are undiagnosed due to it not being well known

It would massively put me off as we just wouldn’t be compatible.

He comes from a family of teachers and you gently suggest he might be dyslexic. I'm not blinking surprised he's offended. Do you honestly think his family didn't know????

Dyslexia isn't new, you've basically said his family and school let him down. He avoids text - fair enough - he's probably came through 12 or 13 years of schooling and still struggles.

I bet he's amazing at drawing and arty and wouldn't be surprised if he beats you hands down in any sort of general knowledge quiz.

If you don't appreciate him for the person he is you should end it. Let him find someone who appreciates him.

The issue mainly is how he's responding to it. Not the poor spelling etc. I have a friend with brain damage who seriously struggles writing texts. When I can't understand one I feel terrible. I have to wing it and hope I've got it right or just ignore it otherwise he gets really embarrassed about it.
When I can understand what he's saying I have no problem at all with how he writes. But if he started making it out like it was my problem then i would have issues. Regardless of whether the reason for the poor spelling is dyslexia, brain damage or just lack of education, no one should be making the other person feel stupid and like it's their fault.

That's not true at all about struggling to read if you struggle to write

I recently came across Dysgraphia and my son has just been tested for it. Awaiting results. It's a learning disability and does not affect reading or intelligence but does affect being able to write properly. My son is the top reader in his class but if you asked him to write a simple sentence it would be unreadable

I think YABU and I think anyone whose judging that man should read up about Dysgraphia.

Lots of adults go undiagnosed as it's not well heard of. None of my kids teachers or the SENCO lady had heard of it before I came across it. Thankfully they listened to my concerns and got him the tests he needed

I was with someone when I was younger who was functionality illiterate.
However, he was lovely as a person. He also grew to realise how school has failed him as a child who was dyslexic and when to adult literacy. He actually did very well, then went to college and trained as an electrician l.
Its not the literacy, but the fact you can’t talk about it and it’ll create a wedge as a trigger for anger that’s the issue

It would be me off, and I'm not shallow.
Oh look Egg McMuffins!
Mmm, maybe I am a shallow, but not bigly shallow.

How severe is the problem? If he's unable to read the instructions on medication or the T and Cs on a contract, it's a serious problem. If he struggles with spelling and reading James Joyce, then I think I could live with that.

I haven’t said he is stupid. I’m sure some people just love to deliberately misinterpret posts. For SOME people it is indicative of being stupid. You only have to look on social media and all the racists and people who have the most narrow minded views never seem to be able to string a sentence together. That would make sense really.

Making that observation doesn’t mean I think that’s always the case though, because I don’t, and I said as much in my post. The whole point I was trying to get across was that I wouldn’t judge someone just by their spelling. I would judge someone based on their wider attitudes

'I'm also finding it off-putting, especially because he sometimes overcompensates/deflects by acting as though I am slow and obtuse when not grasping what he is saying in his incomprehensible texts.'

This is why I'd dump him. Literacy issues I might be OK with.

There is a lot of shame and secrecy around poor literacy. If you really want to support him you need to be persistent but gentle and supportive.

I remember my dad employed someone who was functionally illiterate. He hid it for a long time with a lot of carefully developed strategies (he was a farm labourer so did not need to read and write a lot during the working day). It all came out when my dad took him to London to attend a trade show. My dad suggested they spilt up and spend some free time in London nd meet up at the hotel he had a panicked meltdown and ot all came out he couldn't read.

Being with poor literacy you have no idea how judgmental self righteous rude arseholes make you feel by judging you because they have superior literacy skill

you have no idea how restricting it can be

only the other day I posted a reply and some judgmental prick replied highlighting I’d missed an apostrophe off added nothing to the thread just felt the need to correct me

its overwhelming the thought of going back to college and more to the point do I need to I can function and get through life

but also I wouldn’t want to be with someone who judged me as a person on my ability to workout where full stops need to go I would think they were extremely shallow and full of themselves

also people including myself who struggle with literacy excel with maths never in a million years would it occur to me to slag someone of who struggled with maths or publicly correct them

The illiteracy/dyslexia would not necessarily put me off but the unwillingness to address it to find better ways of coping would. I understand if he feels it's embarassing for him - maybe he feels threatened/ exposed by you pointing it out to him? But how does he cope driving anywhere new or in his work?

Jay Blades recently did a tv programme about addressing his dyslexia.

DGM left school at 12yo and could barely read/write (she rarely went to school anyway as she looked after much younger siblings so her DM could work). She loved to sit with us after school a couple of afternoons a week and help us with our reading/writing skills. I think my DM was quite aware of her own DMs struggles and found a way to help us both.

There are definitely things to consider with poor literacy levels. My DH is dyslexic and I'm really glad I didn't initially judge him on his poor spelling. Now I see how hard it is for him to compose decent texts, I realise the sheer effort he put in in the early days.

That said, he's intelligent and has just finished his degree with a top grade so his literacy levels have made things harder but not impossible. His sentence construction used to be awful but he learnt that alongside his degree.

Imo the major downside is that I now have a dyslexic child who really struggles despite his best efforts. That's hard to watch.