To be put off by his literacy issues?

[Saratoga212]

It's becoming increasingly clear that bf (9.yrs older) has literacy issues.

After numerous things I, gently, suggested perhaps he could be dyslexic but not diagnosed due to lack of awareness and diagnosis when he was at school ..... He didn't say much at the time but has since expressed considerable offence at the suggestion
.
(I actually thought I was being diplomatic, as opposed to saying "how can your literacy be so poor, coming from a family of teachers?" (The females in the family are/were teachers; I get the impression his late father was not literate)).

I'm also finding it off-putting, especially because he sometimes overcompensates/deflects by acting as though I am slow and obtuse when not grasping what he is saying in his incomprehensible texts.

(He mostly avoids texting).

Would this put you off someone for a relationship?

From his offence at what I said, I don't think he would be remotely open to eg an adult literacy course.

No. You're missing my point. The examples I gave have nothing to do with dyslexia.

Not understanding the difference between "your" (belonging to or associated with the person you are addressing) and you're (the contraction of "you are"), has nothing to do with dyslexia either. This error and the other examples I have given are due to lack of education and reading.

I am well educated and enjoy reading and engaging with intelligent discussion. That's what I want to share with my life partner.

Your posts make clear that a good education and literacy skills are not important to you. That is fine. It's normal to want to be with people like ourselves.

It would be unacceptable for me. I can't imagine being with someone who doesn't read for pleasure and to educate himself on current events. Do you find this man's conversation and understanding of the world to be somewhat limited?

To paraphrase John Waters, if you go home with someone and they don't have any books, don't sleep with them.

I'm a great reader, and always have been. I also have a PhD and essentially make my living from research and writing. But I feel very uncomfortable with the tone of some of these comments. Fair enough, the OP's boyfriend sounds like a bit of a twat all round. But some of the comments are veering into seeing people with literacy issues as worthless, subhuman almost - or at least another class of human. I'm in Ireland and it is very common for older people especially, to have literacy issues and there is a large subset - including my own parents who are functionally illiterate. Yet the vast majority of these people are good, kind hardworking people who have made a great contribution to their families, their communities and societies. Many are very intelligent in lots of other ways that matter, even if they sometimes need support in things like admin. I know many people of that generation who might not be able to do what I do but who can do about 40 other things that I can't.

My parents are also functionally illiterate. It made my childhood extremely difficult, and contributed to extreme poverty and isolation. I have taught literacy in prisons as a volunteer to give back.

None of this means that I would willingly enter a relationship with someone with literacy problems, however kind or hardworking.

That's not what I'm saying, of course one chooses a partner freely and that can of course be one of the criteria. I was moreso addressing what I felt was a tone of contempt from some posters more generally towards those with literacy issues.

My mum is like this, clearly dyslexic and some of her messages are a struggle to read and much of the time it’s guess work working out what things say by what the rest of the sentence says.. she also gets irritated when occasionally I can’t fathom what it says, but to her the message makes perfect sense, so of course they get defensive and I think the annoyance comes from embarrassment!

my brother is also dyslexic, he is 40 now and school didn’t support or diagnose (U.K.) it’s not uncommon to be missed even now, let alone 25-30 years ago!

Is it unreasonable to end a relationship over it? Is he otherwise a really nice guy?…

I agree - people can be intelligent, but still have literacy issues. Obviously if the OP has nothing in common with her partner, that is a problem and if he is unpleasant to her because he feels inadequate, that is not acceptable either.

However, imperfect literacy doesn’t not necessarily imply lack of intelligence.

My DH and I debate politics, philosophy and ethics nearly every day. He has a masters degree in maths, we are both qualified accountants.

I didn’t have a good education, but qualified as an accountant by working hard at night school for 6 years.

Sometimes he asks me to help him with spelling because I’m better at spelling than him and sometimes I need help with grammar or vocabulary, because he is better at them than me.

Does this mean that neither of us are intelligent, because our literacy isn’t perfect?

People form relationships actually speaking to each other. Your, You're etc all sound exactly the same.

So you form the relationship with an intelligent dude who uses the right word. Then bin him because he uses the wrong one in a text message.

Spelling has zero link to intelligence. Back in the days of over head projectors we had a dyslexic uni lecturer. It made for interesting reading.

YABU because you must be very slow of mind if it took you so many years to work out your partrner is dyslexic? And then, even worse, consider him a lesser human being because of it?

Having a teaching parent is irrelevant, maybe....my teacher DM produced 2 greedy sociopaths out of her 3 kids; which is probably better than the many fucked up adult dc of social workers I'vec ome across.

Nothing more to say.

Yanbu.

My husband doesn’t value reading, though is perfectly literate. However because he doesn’t value reading as a way to spend time, his children were really behind for their ages when I met them all.

I value reading extremely highly. Drive it strongly with my own child, who is a similar age to his youngest and they both naturally bounce off each other. Both have stronger reading and comprehension than the older children despite being a fair bit younger.

No it wouldn't,I've been with dw for 18 yrs .she struggles with literacy issues I encouraged her to do the adult learning that was a boost for her till funding cuts stopped it.
She still struggles and finds it a source of embarrassment in certain situations coupled with poor writing it's been hard for her and I help her with a lot of things.the good thing is she feels comfortable asking me things and not being embarrassed.

Most couples communicate via speach rather than text.

My DH works away a lot, so for us texting forms a vital part of our communication. It would be hard work if he didn't text engagingly.

Im sure you'd get the message if he used the wrong form of "your" in a text or would it genuinely make you think he's thick and want to ditch him.

It's not just about getting the message. It's about wanting to share your life with someone with similar interests and education as yourself.

Why is that hard to understand?

A man who doesn't know the difference between "your" and "you're" is unlikely to have the same level of education as me. He is unlikely to be a reader or lover of books, because if he was he would know the difference.

There are women who have poor literacy skills and some for whom the literacy skills of a partner or prospective partner are unimportant.

Be grateful that we are not all the same, otherwise the pool of semi-literate and illiterate men available to you would be much smaller.

I think you would be very unreasonable I'd it was the illiteracy putting you off, as that seems cruel, but his reaction sounds a bit dickish so in this case your not being unreasonable

Is the op going to return to tell us what she makes of our comments, or is she pissed-off because so many people suggested that she is BU?

especially because he sometimes overcompensates/deflects by acting as though I am slow and obtuse when not grasping what he is saying in his incomprehensible texts.

The Manosphere Maidens are deliberately not addressing this part. You've every right to make a gentle suggestion, if this is his attitude.

Personally I'd be gone, too much hard work do you really have the time?

He is being defensive. Of course it’s not good, but if the rest of the relationship is okay, ending it because someone is embarrassed and defensive about something like this without insisting that a conversation happens is a bit extreme.

The OP has said she has been going out with this guy for 6 months. It’s not so long.

She hasn’t said he is a lesser being but he acts as though she is being dim when she doesn’t understand his texts.

Im sure you'd get the message if he used the wrong form of "your" in a text or would it genuinely make you think he's thick and want to ditch him

I'm not that harsh lol. He did in fact do that very thing when we first started seeing each other but I took the piss put of him so he gets it right now.

The OP says her boyfriend’s texts are incomprehensible. I think there’s a difference between:

”I heard your going to Pearl Jam on Saturday. Would you like a lift?” and

”Houvd yr gn t Pl Jebm. Wld yu. lkl LFT?”

The wrong form of “your” is not incomprehensible, even if it is wrong.

Theres far more issues in the ops relationship than his grasp of spelling.

But i find it very worrying that in 2024 we still have people who assume spelling is an indication of intelligence and levels of education. I thought we'd moved on since the 1970s

Wow. Well I’m glad my DH didn’t ditch me just because I’m dyslexic.

Though I did engage with extra support and spell check is my best friend. It would’ve been humiliating for a partner to suggest I was dyslexic if I was undiagnosed, not to mention a literacy course.

I can see both sides.