To be put off by his literacy issues?

[Saratoga212]

It's becoming increasingly clear that bf (9.yrs older) has literacy issues.

After numerous things I, gently, suggested perhaps he could be dyslexic but not diagnosed due to lack of awareness and diagnosis when he was at school ..... He didn't say much at the time but has since expressed considerable offence at the suggestion
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(I actually thought I was being diplomatic, as opposed to saying "how can your literacy be so poor, coming from a family of teachers?" (The females in the family are/were teachers; I get the impression his late father was not literate)).

I'm also finding it off-putting, especially because he sometimes overcompensates/deflects by acting as though I am slow and obtuse when not grasping what he is saying in his incomprehensible texts.

(He mostly avoids texting).

Would this put you off someone for a relationship?

From his offence at what I said, I don't think he would be remotely open to eg an adult literacy course.

@lwrenn I feel for you and I'm sorry you've struggled. But this sort of post from women really frustrate me. You are very clearly NOTHING like OP's partner. You accept your struggles. You have worked hard to overcome them. You have asked for help. You are putting in the work to figure out what you have the right to expect and ask for.

I see this on here all the time. A woman who has done all this work asking for compassion for a man who MIGHT have the same problem she has. Except, he's NOT doing the work. He's not asking for help. Instead, he's attacking the OP who is left to deal with his uselessness.

YOu are great. OP's DP is not.

If your repeatedly making out you don't understand someone to make yourself feel superior you're in the wrong.

I'm not making out I can't understand his texts ..... I can't understand some of his texts.

Some words I can make out, like "speshul" but others I can't. I realised I might have a chance with the other words if I read what he's written out loud, but even then that doesn't always work.

It was after a couple of texts like that that he rang me with a sort of exasperated attitude, speaking very loudly and slowly and with a lot of an emphasis, saying what he was apparently saying in the texts.

I'm nearly 50, dyslexia was not new when I was a child, might not have been much help, but it was a known problem. There still isn't much help, stupid comments like look words up in a dictionary don't help, certain and phenomenal your never going to find if you can't get the first letter.

Dyslexia (along with ADHD and ASD) have a tendency to run in families.
If his Dad was illiterate then their is a fair bet he was also dyslexic.

He's using a brick phone, because it seems less complicated, a smartphone will actually be easier for him. If he's typing by using the numbers multiple times. I fully get why he uses text speak that's why text speak was invented

What do/did both him and his Dad do?

Just gets worse. Sounds like he's not remotely interested in helping himself.

I couldn't put up with that.

I fully get why he uses text speak that's why text speak was invented

If he used text speak, I would probably be able to understand his texts.

The text speak would either be obvious or I could look it up.

What do/did both him and his Dad do?

Drivers, I suppose, is the best description.

dyslexia was not new when I was a child, might not have been much help, but it was a known problem.

Where did you grow up?

I have my doubts about its recognition in rural Ireland.

Thank you, I appreciate that very much. 💐

You're 100% right, I know that. I didn't want to give him excuses for any twattishness, he could absolutely address the issues he has with his literacy. It's really tough to do, I imagine made more difficult with a academic family. But he doesn't get to be horrible to the OP because he feels inadequate.
I suppose I just feel bad for him, it's a tough place to be in. I hope he gets some help with it all, it would do wonders for his confidence.

My father also drove for a living but he was an alcoholic and crashed his pals van pissed, and that was that finished for him. Luckily he only hurt himself. And that was because his friend punched him.

Dating isn’t equal opportunities. Some people don’t want a partner who can’t write to a basic standard, nothing wrong with that.

Is the only way to not be accused of being superficial to date everyone who asks you, regardless of if you’re attracted to them?

It would put me off, but only if he was also a bit thick, didn't read, had poor general knowledge etc. If he was otherwise intelligent and kind, I would put it down to some sort of learning difficulty.

Unfortunately, poor spelling can go hand in hand with bigotry in all its forms. There's definitely a correlation there. Poorly educated people are more likely to believe conspiracy theories too.

It seems odd that it has taken this long for it to become a problem to you.

Given that I haven't mentioned how long I've been seeing him, I'm fascinated as to how you know lol

About 6 months incidentally. It has only become clear over time. He mostly just calls.

It would be a deal breaker for me. Sorry if that sounds snobbish but for me a partnership is primarily intellectual/friendship plus the mutual sexual attraction as a bonus. Can't work without intellectual connection for me.

Agree, some posters are writing like he’s entitled to be with rhe op, you can end anything for any reason you wish, and shouldn’t be attacked and called shallow.

pig sick of this atttitude that men are entitled to a woman.

For someone who is happy to poke fun at other posters and their ‘inability’ to comprehend what has been written and pointing out their errors etc…. I’d just like to point out that dyslexia isn’t a learning disability (in the UK).

To get diagnosed as having a learning disability, IQ would be lower than 70 with significant deficits in adaptive functioning.

Dyslexia is a Specific Learning Difficulty. It’s no wonder some people associate it with lack of intelligence when people don’t even understand the correct terminology!

Absolutely. He'd be gone.

As some one with reading and writing issues people think they are helping but are often being judging. The grammer police are the worse. I totally understand how important writing something correctly helps but I can't always see mistake in my writing.

Agreed. Women don’t owe men a relationship. They are entitled to end things for any reason. Honestly this ‘be kind’ stuff makes me despair.

I think the fact that he is trying to make out like you're the one with the issue and the lack of understanding, plus he has already started expecting you to do things for him would put me off.

Fair enough if he had openly said that that's how he writes and if there are words he hasn't gotten right to let him know, but the fact that he is then calling you and pretending you're the one that is lacking the intelligence to understand would be a dealbreaker for me.

He will begin to rely on you more and more, and he will ramp up his gaslighting alongside that too. All this after 6 months-what will it be like after 6 years?

Deal breaker for me.

You aren’t there to make up for his inadequacies (banking, form filling, being his own personal Google) nor to be his emotional punching bag because he’s defensive about not being understood.

I also couldn’t be with a partner who doesn’t understand some of my favourite things- books, wordplay puzzles etc.

(By the same token I would expect a sports fan to not want to be with me.)

not yell and shout at everyone else that they must do it for him.

To be fair, he doesn't yell and shout at everyone else for us to do eg internet searches for him, he asks or (much more commonly) he doesn't have to ask because we know he doesn't use computers and we'll have to look it up for him.

The only thing he does that's irritating on that front is lean over your shoulder when you're online finding something, asking questions and giving instructions in a fairly scattergun way ..... I thought it was me, but then I saw one of his sons get really irritated by it quite quickly.

Yeah, that would totally put me off. So would his attitude.

Scanning the responses I think a lot of people have already pointed out that that it’s not a literacy issue you have, but an attitude issue.

We all have our limitations, owning them and appreciating how that impacts those around us is part of being an adult. Yes you can be frustrated by your limits, but taking out those frustrations on others rather than seeking to improve is a problem. It sounds like it’s a problem you have here.

I wouldn’t stay. Not because his literacy isn’t top notch, but because his attitude stinks. Only he can change that and it sounds like he doesn’t want to. What else is going to come out of the woodwork over time that he has that attitude to?

We are free to choose who we date, free to chose our own preferences as to the type of guy we fancy. Thankfully, we're free to choose the religion, ethnicity, willy size, hair colour, fat or thin, long or short hair, tattoos, piercings, accent, smoker or not, drinker or not, drug user or not, one leg shorter than the other or not, driver or not, tall or short, shoe size, educational standard, type of job, etc etc. We can't help what traits we "fancy" nor what traits we want to see in a long term partner.

None of that is "shallow".

Personally, lack of education (for whatever reason) is a massive turn off for me. I don't want to be with anyone who is "needy" when it comes to pretty basic life skills. I ditched my first love because he couldn't and wouldn't learn to drive. Call me shallow if you want, but that was another deal breaker for me as he couldn't be arsed to do it himself but expected me to ferry him around like a sodding taxi driver because he found buses expensive and unreliable!! As it is, my husband and I share all household and life responsibilities such as house maintenance, control and planning of finances, "life admin" etc., because we're both capable of doing it - I'd hate to be stuck doing it all myself and so would OH and so I'd never choose a long term partner who couldn't do his fair share.

It can put you off him without that being a value judgement on him as a person.

People find different things attractive. If you found out a guy was into motorbikes and steak and you're vegan and prefer cycling then you might get the ick. Doesn't mean he's wrong and you're right.