To be put off by his literacy issues?

[Saratoga212]

It's becoming increasingly clear that bf (9.yrs older) has literacy issues.

After numerous things I, gently, suggested perhaps he could be dyslexic but not diagnosed due to lack of awareness and diagnosis when he was at school ..... He didn't say much at the time but has since expressed considerable offence at the suggestion
.
(I actually thought I was being diplomatic, as opposed to saying "how can your literacy be so poor, coming from a family of teachers?" (The females in the family are/were teachers; I get the impression his late father was not literate)).

I'm also finding it off-putting, especially because he sometimes overcompensates/deflects by acting as though I am slow and obtuse when not grasping what he is saying in his incomprehensible texts.

(He mostly avoids texting).

Would this put you off someone for a relationship?

From his offence at what I said, I don't think he would be remotely open to eg an adult literacy course.

She's the one trying to make him feel stupid and "gently suggesting" he might be dyslexic - does she honestly think he and teacher parents wouldn't know?

Er she literally said when she can't understand his texts he makes out she's slow?

Huh: he’s the one making out she’s stupid. She was kind and suggested dyslexia when it’s likely he’s simply illiterate.

You talk about incomprehensible texts. Honestly I don’t regard texts as any measure of someone’s literacy. You should see how autocorrect mangles some of mine and I make a living as a writer.

It seems odd that it has taken this long for it to become a problem to you. Are you in fact looking for excuses to split up with him? You could just say it’s run its course.

People with high levels of literacy find it harder to comprehend messages written with poor grammar/spelling/understanding than other people with poor literacy do.

If you don't understand the difference between your and you're, or there, their and they're in the first place, your brain doesn't try to decipher the meaning of the sentence in the same way the brain of someone with a decent level of literacy will.

That's borne out in this thread, reading some of the posts berating OP.

Nope. Go back and read @YoureALizardHarry11’s posts again and work on your reading comprehension. She deliberately excluded people with learning disabilities. She also said the inverse regarding the ignorant and thick likely to be bad spellers.

No

You’re now proving your own point.

She edited her post to REMOVE the offensive comments. As I said.

That's actually really interesting and I never thought of it like that I just assumed they where being smug. Iv never really had an issue reading what someone is trying to say but that is probably because I don't use English correctly so I don't put a lot of thought into what I'm reading.

how it hasn't yet dawned on him to dictate his texts.

He has an ancient brick of a phone, he just uses it to make calls and text, nothing else. Not sure if it has that function, but I suppose if I suggest it, that will potentially cause more offence.

He doesn't use computers either, at all.

He gets his kids, and now me, to look up anything he needs online. (He doesn't do internet banking etc.)

I wasn’t referring to the OP regarding leaving the relationship, but the other posters who have said they wouldn’t be with someone like that who was illiterate!

He very likely has got Dyslexia and feels bad for it and tries to hide it for fear of judgement and discrimination and he would be right judging by many of the replies on this thread. Awful.

I was going to ask you how it impacted him/you outside of shitty texting but I just saw your update.

In which case, yes, I'd dump him. The fact that he's not literate is not the issue - lots and lots of people aren't literate as a result of all kinds of issues from poor schooling to neurodiversity - the issue is that he is quite happy to make everyone else compensate for him AND act like he's completely in the right. That's the deal breaker for me.

EW. He’s outsourced his life work to other people and is being a jerk about it too. Kick him to the curb. He’s an energy sucker and you don’t need this.

This would suggest a learning difficulty in this day and age. Maybe he struggles using technology? Otherwise, to not use computers or at least a basic smartphone these days is a bit odd.

As the likes of Richard Branson show, struggling with literacy isn’t a sign of intelligence, I have 2 children with reading problems but who are otherwise clever kids who are doing well at school and I have really become aware of my snobbishness that links reading and spelling ability to intelligence ! If you feel you are well matched otherwise then maybe it’s time to challenge your assumptions…however people do often tend to match with partners of a similar intelligence level/ income level/ job type / social background so if you are honest with yourself do you feel he is lacking in any of these aspects?

What was offensive that I edited out? I have just checked and can’t see what you mean?

He comes from a family of teachers and you gently suggest he might be dyslexic. I'm not blinking surprised he's offended. Do you honestly think his family didn't know????

His elder sister is a teacher, there is quite a large age gap between them, I don't know what their relationship was like growing up, but they are estranged now.

His now elderly Mum was a teacher (in another town) and apparently has always had a very gentle, permissive personality.

His Dad passed away when he was a teen and I think he told me he was illiterate.

It's possible, in their rural area, that long ago (he's in his 50s) that it would not have been diagnosed by his teachers.

In any case, I have no idea if he could be dyslexic, I just suggested it as an attempt at understanding the situation.

He sounds like my MIL. She's 82 and her refusal to do basic things drives me absolutely mad but I cut her some slack as she's old and because I suspect she has RAGING ADHD that was never diagnosed and that she has spent a lifetime finding ways to manage on her own.

He's a grown adult in 2024. So unattractive. If you can't do the things that most people need to do to function at this point in time, then he needs to seek help to find ways to do those things, not yell and shout at everyone else that they must do it for him.

Isn't he embarrassed? What does he even say while he's making other people look things up for him?

He's trying to make you responsible for him. That's a deal breaker for me.

Honestly? I think the literacy may be a red herring. Making out the OP is slow because she can’t understand incomprehensible texts (assuming they really are incomprehensible, not “I should of” etc mistakes) is the problem. It’s the equivalent to mumbling while facing away from the person you’re speaking to and being irritated because they haven’t heard you.

You are allowed to break up with someone for any reason you like. I once went off a man because he pronounced the “l” in folks.

I’ve done this when the person your communicating with is aware and knows your shortcomings
but they still press on and make you feel stupid ,inferior,thick and judged

it a defensive reflex

Hi @Saratoga212 until my mid 20s I couldn't really read or write much, lack of education, opportunity etc, I could do the basics and I went back to night college and learnt as much as I could so I would be a better person to help my dc with homework etc, turns out I'm also dyslexic.
Its really hard when you are trying and even if it doesn't read like you are.
I struggled so badly, especially with things like "They're/there/we're" words and I'm eternally grateful for predicted text.

I actually left mumsnet once because someone was quite cruel to me (shocker!) About my spelling. Recently I made a post and a poster wasn't very nice (despite many more being very lovely!) About how I write, which is how I talk, so lots of language used from the people who helped raise me, language local to my area etc and since those comments when I write on here I don't really like writing as much to people.
I can't explain it properly but when I type like I talk in person I feel as though I'm making friends with my fellow posters, now I'm aware I annoyed some, I've stopped being myself really and minimised my own way of chatting to cut out my own words and just to be more direct and clinical almost. It's weird though because I'm not really enjoying the experience of posting and chatting as much, I feel very self-conscious.

Even though its something that people use to berate the Facebook no marks who say disgusting racist shit, outlandish lunatic bollocks and share missing dogs from some part of rural texas into local Skegness selling pages, it's hard when you are a good person, someone who has skills that may not be academic but has other qualities to offer and you're treated like a bit of a pleb because of poor grammar or lousy comprehension if you've read something incorrectly.

My partner reads out posts here to me if I struggle with some of the wording and will explain them to me. He helped me so much with my reading and writing.
But I am the one who deals with the dreaded DIY or putting up wardrobes. I'm useful without having a English literature masters.

I do understand its frustrating and may even give you the ick, but when people have the ability to do something they make look so easy that takes someone else much longer to master, it's so hard. Hearing you're bad at something, especially if he's from a line of teachers, (my father was illiterate but mother very academic) is going to sting a bit.
Nobody likes feeling stupid and this may be a case of the more you push for him to seek help with a issue he carries shame with, you really might push him away or really embarrass him to the point he clams up and struggles to ever seek some help.

Please don't allow him to be a dick to you because he's inwardly embarrassed but also, don't be a dick to him because his ability doesn't meet the standard you'd like.

It’s the equivalent to mumbling while facing away from the person you’re speaking to and being irritated because they haven’t heard you.

😁

I will hold my hand up to being that shallow. But it's about more than that.

I have a large vocabulary. It's a hindrance to have to be picking words in casual conversation so that everyone will understand me. I write as a hobby, and I put a lot of thought into how to construct my prose so that it's clear and elegant.

No way do I want to be putting that effort in with someone on a domestic level with someone who is chippy with me if I casually use an obscure word.

One of my best friends has a very different skillset to me (and is wildly successful) - she has no problem asking me what a word means.

There are 4 billion men on this planet, I don't need one who's an arse about communication.

Personally I couldn’t deal with a significant other with this issue.