To think my DM expects a ridiculous amount?

[Alwaysgothiccups]

My DM has MS and can only walk a few steps.. she has an electric wheelchair.
My dad was her carer and they were living abroad but he died just over a year ago. She tried to live alone in her house there (after a stint living with me in my house which was completely unsuitable as is a terraced house) but failed and ended up in hospital for 5 weeks. She wasn't eating or washing etc..
I have 3 primary aged children, the youngest is 2mnths old. I am on maternity leave currently from my job which is permanent 12 hour night shifts in a hospital Friday,Saturdays and some Sundays. I do not drive. My DH is a nurse and also works long shifts but only days. He does drive. He is working ATM as he only got 2 weeks paternity.

My DM has returned to England and now lives 15 min drive (40 min walk) away from us.
She is basically saying she doesn't need carers.
Yet I have been going round every other weekday and weekends to cook, clean and make phone calls do admin for her etc.. She also needs support going outside anywhere.. can't open doors,can't get her wheelchair back up the curb if she falls off which she often does..
I have also had to give her 900 quid despite her having an income the same as my husbands (she's terrible with money) that 900 quid was all of my savings for a specific thing my child needs.
I'm just quite angry but she acts like this is all what anyone would do for a parent and also like it's not really that much but I'm exhausted and barely see my DH.
I'm trying to get her to accept a care act assessment but she won't and just says she doesn't need care abd doesn't want strangers interfering.
I can't just leave her as she would stop eating and washing again... she almost died when she went and tried to live alone.
It's putting a strain on my marriage now. My DH is a very kind man but he's sick and tired of being at her back and call.
I've always had a difficult relationship with her. I left home in my teens and they moved abroad in my early 20s.
But I do love her and what her to be in a safe situation.
AIBU to think she is actually expecting far too much from me and it isn't normal?

Sorry OP but you are enabling her.

I know it’s hard but you can’t do this and shouldn’t.

You took money from your child to give to her? That's not normal behaviour. She is demanding too much of you and you are giving her too much

You did not “have” to give her that money at all. You certainly don’t have to keep going round so often. If she needs more help than you feel able to give then she needs carers.

I don't know what she thinks will happen longer term? I can't keep this level of care up. I want to take my baby to baby groups and go to the gym. I am not on top of my own housework at all. I'm too tired to interact with my kids much and she's not up to doing anything kid friendly after school pick up. I find it hard to get to her then rush back for school pickup.
When I go back to work I just won't be seeing my DH at all if I'm still providing this level of care..
It's so hard to have boundaries because I think she's got ridiculously high expectations but she seems to just think it's what a daughter should do

You are allowed to say no.

yanbu OP

I’d tell her that you are to start visiting only once a week, a fixed day, and would then bring her food and cook a couple of meals. Also offer to help her get a cleaner 3 times a week.

I had to because it was for her deposit on her flat.. if I hadn't she wouldn't have got the flat and she may have tried to live with me or just caused a lot of stress for us in general...
I feel like it's a game of chicken because she really will put herself in danger unless someone steps in.. and the stress of that can be worse than if i just stepped in.
So in that instance I just paid it as the easier option.

Have a look at the Elderly Parents topic (maybe report your own post and ask MNHQ to move it there) - they have great advice for setting boundaries and how to get out of where you are now.

You cannot be everything to everybody, setting yourself on fire won't help anyone in the long run. Would you want your children to do the same thing you're doing now?

OP you don’t have to do as much. You are entitled to a life where you see your children and DH plus manage self care (gym etc).

wondering where her expectations are coming from? Did she work as much as you

you should continue to push for care assessment. Better to get in place before situation is very bad. She will have no choice in the end. Keep social services in the loop.

Stop and ring SS. Tell them what you said here. They will go see her and talk her round. But that will only work if you make it clear you are done.

So now you can sort out a payment plan for her to pay you back the £900. And get her to claim Attendance Allowance, which is a benefit she is entitled to. Does she receive PIP. Or does her time abroad prevent her claiming benefit. Then she can use that money to pay for carers, a cleaner and a PA.

This is what to do you are right but it's mich easier said than done.
The guilt is horrendous because I know she won't look after herself. And I know she genuinely believes I should do it. Ti the extent she'd veiw it as some kind of personal violence if I didn't.
It was hard to even make the rule that I go only every other day.. on the days I don't go I still worry because she can't actually work her phone.. despite me trying to get her to get a landline or a phone with big buttons. She just has her normal mobile which she can't use. So I worry she will fall or get ill when I'm not there and I won't know.

otherwise your family will suffer. There’s a way to get care for her. Your family need you more.

You HAVE TO STOP.

You must stop this right now.
Your first priority is your children. If you fall down, who will they have? They need you.

I know EXACTLY what you are going through, what I did was call the Employee Assistance Program at work, (it’s free service and confidential) they basically told me, that I am not a carer or spouse, it’s not my job to do all of this, I am their CHILD, and to back away from all of these tasks. They were extremely blunt and you need to hear this too.

You are not helping her by running yourself into the ground, if you drop down, she will find someone else to trample on.

Say you are sick / unwell and stop stop stop doing every single thing you are doing for her, and look after your own family.

Good luck.

You have no obligation to help her. She won’t help herself.

She is applying for attendance allowance she has agreed to do that and I am helping her fill that in.
She does receive PIP. She has a good income.. more than my DH who works full time as a nurse. She could afford a carer.. altho her rent is quite high. She just doesn't want one she says.

I feel like it's a game of chicken because she really will put herself in danger unless someone steps in

but that “someone” doesn’t have to be you.

It's so hard to have boundaries because I think she's got ridiculously high expectations but she seems to just think it's what a daughter should do

Having boundaries does not depend on what she thinks, but on what you think. Trust your judgement.

Nobody "wants" a carer. It's a case of needing one, not wanting one.

A pp has said take a look at the elderly parents thread and I agree. You'll be surprised. You probably think your mum is a unique case but what she is doing to you is very very common.

The amount of carers who run themselves into the ground are staggering. You will make yourself ill if you carry on like this.

As a mum her priority should be her child’s welfare, that’s you. She isn’t. But your priorities are your kids and family. She has money let her use it.

So her flat is rented? Why didn’t she have the money if she has an income? Would she give you Power of Attorney so you can get a cleaner in etc and pay from her income?

I know it might feel like taking on something more but if you can pay for support it would take some burden off you?

OP, she's the one being unreasonable for not accepting carers. You've got children and if your mum had any sort of heart she would tell you to prioritise them, not run around at her beck and call, paying her bills and enabling her to exploit you further.

You've got to stop, cut down to one day a week. If she doesn't wash or eat, that's on her, not you.

Sorry if this comes across as blunt but I've been down the whole caring for elderly parents route and it is ONLY manageable if you put your own oxygen mask on first.

She’s using you. I agree with she is playing chicken with you. Start calling SS for welfare check if she does that.

She needs to go into a care home I think. She can't look after herself and she won't look after herself. Either she stays at home and continues the way she is until she dies or she goes into a care home and has some kind of life.

As for expecting such a lot from you as a daughter she didn't give anything to you as a mother did she? She isn't giving anything now. She doesn't even feel guilty about her demands. You have a baby to look after and you need to focus on visiting her every week is one thing but the amount you are doing is crazy and it could cost you your marriage.

The thing is that nothing you do will ever be enough for her so there's no point even starting to try.

Sorry I don't understand why you had to give her £900 if her income is higher than your husband's? Agree with PP you need to call social services when she starts acting up.