To think my DM expects a ridiculous amount?

[Alwaysgothiccups]

My DM has MS and can only walk a few steps.. she has an electric wheelchair.
My dad was her carer and they were living abroad but he died just over a year ago. She tried to live alone in her house there (after a stint living with me in my house which was completely unsuitable as is a terraced house) but failed and ended up in hospital for 5 weeks. She wasn't eating or washing etc..
I have 3 primary aged children, the youngest is 2mnths old. I am on maternity leave currently from my job which is permanent 12 hour night shifts in a hospital Friday,Saturdays and some Sundays. I do not drive. My DH is a nurse and also works long shifts but only days. He does drive. He is working ATM as he only got 2 weeks paternity.

My DM has returned to England and now lives 15 min drive (40 min walk) away from us.
She is basically saying she doesn't need carers.
Yet I have been going round every other weekday and weekends to cook, clean and make phone calls do admin for her etc.. She also needs support going outside anywhere.. can't open doors,can't get her wheelchair back up the curb if she falls off which she often does..
I have also had to give her 900 quid despite her having an income the same as my husbands (she's terrible with money) that 900 quid was all of my savings for a specific thing my child needs.
I'm just quite angry but she acts like this is all what anyone would do for a parent and also like it's not really that much but I'm exhausted and barely see my DH.
I'm trying to get her to accept a care act assessment but she won't and just says she doesn't need care abd doesn't want strangers interfering.
I can't just leave her as she would stop eating and washing again... she almost died when she went and tried to live alone.
It's putting a strain on my marriage now. My DH is a very kind man but he's sick and tired of being at her back and call.
I've always had a difficult relationship with her. I left home in my teens and they moved abroad in my early 20s.
But I do love her and what her to be in a safe situation.
AIBU to think she is actually expecting far too much from me and it isn't normal?

Oh really? I didn't know that.. she seems convinced she can claim it

They're right, OP.

Attendance allowance is the benefit people receive if they're over retirement age when they claim. PIP is for people under retirement age when claimed. Nobody can claim both.

You are right! And I have been trying this. An issue here is that she struggles to get back on her flat by herself.. so I have to accompany her to and from.. which means I can't just meet her somewhere.. or leave her after I've got her shopping etc... as she won't be able to get back.
She's also fallen off the curb several times into a busy road on the walk back to hers..
So when I've trued to be very clear about time it's always taken longer as it just takes however long it takes to get her back to hers.
I have had more success if I say I'm just coming to do one specific thing in her flat then leaving, not taking her out.
I know I shouldn't feel guilty but it's hard

Oh right! Well she's just turned 67.. so would that mean she has to move from PIP to attendance allowance?

No she can stay on PIP.

If she's on PIP already, that's what she's on. Attendance allowance is for people over retirement age at the time of first claim.

No, the PIP continues.
If she's getting a state pension, she may be entitled to pension credit.

Believe me I am trying to get social services involved but all the advice I've been given when I've rang ss or the council is that it has to come from her.. so I am trying to get her to agree to this assessment which they said would be the way in to that. Initially she agreed but it is now backtracking. I am afraid to just leave her to it for the reasons I've gone over.
I do know that many people will say just to leave her to it and I understand. I would probably give that advice myself. But when it's really happening to you it's not that easy.
I tried to leave her to it in France. I rang her once a month and she never answered.. she occasionally texted my DH about finances so I knew she was alive.. so I just left her to it. Didn't go over there, didn't get involved
Then the neighbours started harassing us about her.. and then it turned out she had almost died and ended up in hospital.
In the UK now she's here (she was only in France less than 6 months that time so she was still entitled to benefits here as she is a British citizen) there's at least more chance of some social care eventually materialising. I had hoped to get her into sheltered housing of some type. I still hold out hope we can get her to agree to the care assessment.
I just need a bit of emotional support which is why I come on here.. it's just hard. It's easy to say just leave her to it. Not easy to know that someone you love could just drop dead because you left them to it. Of course the answer to the problem is to leave her to it.... but i fidnt come here for that answer. I just need a bit of backup from time to time as it's an awful incredibly stressful situation. Just needed to hear that it's not me not being good enough and that I'm not alone.

Thanks for the info about attendance allowance I will tell her

You will lose your health and greatly damage your marriage and other relationships. My life almost collapsed. You just can't do all this. She needs a daily cleaner/helper at least, and also carers. I didn;t bother with social services for this for my parents as it's all privatised anyway and they supply nothing, so I arranged it all. Good luck. She needs to apply for Attendance allowance/PIP depending on her age. I rang AGE UK and they were so helpful to me. They also have great information on their website.

I know it's hard OP, but sometimes you need to let it all 'fall over' in order to get the help necessary. Don't bully yourself.

You do know you're allowed to go no contact, right?

Just needed to hear that it's not me not being good enough and that I'm not alone.

OP this is such a sad sentence to read from you.

How can you think you're not being good enough. You've done so much for her and she still belittles you.

You MUST learn to stop this feeling guilty, I don't know how, but if you don't work on it you'll destroy your family life.

She doesn't like your daughter and favours your son, does that not make you angry ?

If you cant find the strength to do it for you,do it for your Daughter.

This women (she doesn't deserve the title of mother ) has ruined your life, you must take control.

You sound a lovely person and you deserve happiness.

It’s really hard when a parent guilt-trips you. They can be very persuasive (after years of conditioning you to put them first).

You have to be clear in your own mind. Who needs you more: your mother, or your children? That’s the guiding principle, IMHO.

Your mum has developed some very effective tactics for getting and keeping everything exactly as she wants it to be, hasn't she? Her adeptness would be admirable if it wasn't so egregiously selfish.

My mum also has narcissistic traits and has had me living in a FOG all my life, so although she is not infirm like yours I can understand some of where you are coming from.

I have learned that my mum knows exactly what she is doing when she employs self-serving strategies. She is not unaware that she is being manipulative nor is she a helpless slave to her own nature. She weaponises her words, her silences and her behaviours and I suspect your mum does similar.

I notice that you keep referring to your feelings as reasons why you must do the things you are doing.

It is possible - and sometimes desirable - to act despite one feelings rather than because of them. It isn't comfortable to have to do it but it is sometimes in one's own best interests.

I fear that your compulsion to meet your mother's endless needs and expectations will hollow you out and take all that you have, yet provide you with nothing wholesomely fulfilling in return.

If you stop running around after your mother, she will cope because she has no alternative.

You need to visit her much less. Tell her you’re really stuggling and can’t cope with doing everything for her in addition to the new baby, kids, DH, you’re own house and soon working nights.. You’re at breaking point.

She will only see the need for carers if you create a gap. So clean, cook, admin for her once a week. Text her daily to remind her to cook, shop, eat, wash. She won’t starve in a week. Consider meals on wheels or stocking up on ready meals like cottage pie.

Don't lend her money. You’re enabling her frittering. You don’t have cash to give her. Help her get in touch with the food bank, help the aged, enable a care assessment,

I have just posted an item "wanting a hug" I am 60 years old and YOU are heading down the path to where I am now, PLEASE dont let this carry on. You wont be thanked, you wont be offered help but you will be blamed, PLEASE stop now and get a chance of a life that i have missed

Speak to Adult Social Care, get them to assess her needs, there may be things that can be done so she can cope without carers. Or give her an ultimatum that she employs a cleaner, find someone who may be interested in acting as a PA once they have gained your Mum's trust. Speak to the MS Society, they may be able to suggest things like counselling for her, it may be that she hasn't fully accepted her condition, is she on any of the disease modifying drugs or treatment? The MS society have centres around the country where sufferers can visit, engage in activities, use a hyperbaric chamber to aid recovery, speak to other people in the same situation, do exercise, get advice on things like benefits, housing etc. Your Mum may be better trying to get rehoused in an extra care facility, my exh has MS & he is waiting to move to an extra care flat, it has everything he needs including a hoist, wet room, warden on site in case of falls, plus an onsite restaurant, library, residents lounge where residents can meet, take part in social activities etc. If you could get her to accept moving, it would mean you could go back to being a daughter instead of a carer.

Your responsibility is to your husband and your children which includes a two month old baby. You will end up sick and burnt out if you keep this up. How can you spend time with your children and your husband?

Your mother has got you doing her bidding by basically blackmailing you into this stupid carry on when there is other help available. Your mother does not prioritise you or your needs even a little bit. She doesn't care that you don't get to spend quality time with your baby or that your marriage is being jeopardised or that you're exhausted.

Step back, inform SS that you are doing nothing more and block her telephone number.

I would reduce contact to one visit a week and focus on your own family and health. Let her GP know that she needs support.

I agree with others on here. You have had a lifetime of coping with your mum who puts unreasonable demands on you and sounds incredibly self centred. Your responsibility primarily now is your own children, DH and yourself. Don't feel guilty for setting boundaries.

Visit one day a week and definitely do not move in with her or give her more money. Your dad obviously sheltered her but you do not have to. Most parents protect their children. She doesn't sound like she cares at all about you or your children. If she is sick but won't accept help from carers or SS that is on her. Can you sell the property abroad?

OP, you need to let her reach crisis. Get her a personal alarm if you want to, do not put yourself as a contact. If she has a crisis, let the system take over. If she falls, let them call an ambulance. If she goes to hospital they will not discharge her without support, you have to refuse to be that support so that social care will put something in place.

You have to do this because if she does not reach crisis, you will. Your priority cannot be her, it has to be your children and baby. Every time you feel guilty, you need to look at your little baby and remind yourself that this is who you’re doing it for. This is who you’re protecting.

God she sounds worse the more I read of your posts. Treating your daughter different to your son. I know it is easier said than done but I don't really understand how you can feel anything for her. Read up about FOG as she is doing a number on you. No doubt your DH can see that. Detach for your own sake and your family. I cannot imagine treating my daughters like she treats you.

Of course it’s not easy to leave her to it op because you are a responsible lovely person.

And your mum has got ms and is recently bereaved.

But you’ve just had a baby, you have other dc and a busy nursing career.

You will stretch yourself so thin being all things to all people that you may fall ill yourself.

You need to be massively assertive with her. Get her or your gp on side. Keep repeating that she is only coping because of your help and you need to be focusing on your baby.

The key to this is bringing others in and getting them involved so she can’t hide behind you.

Whose decision was it that she lives a 40 min walk away from you when you don’t drive? Are you pushing a pram there and back?

Ultimately op, if she is determined upon a path of self destruction there isn’t anything you can do. No one can.

If she is depressed she may need a psychological assessment.

Good luck op, it’s so hard, but can only do what you can do and you need to draw a few boundaries around you. 🌷