To think my DM expects a ridiculous amount?

[Alwaysgothiccups]

My DM has MS and can only walk a few steps.. she has an electric wheelchair.
My dad was her carer and they were living abroad but he died just over a year ago. She tried to live alone in her house there (after a stint living with me in my house which was completely unsuitable as is a terraced house) but failed and ended up in hospital for 5 weeks. She wasn't eating or washing etc..
I have 3 primary aged children, the youngest is 2mnths old. I am on maternity leave currently from my job which is permanent 12 hour night shifts in a hospital Friday,Saturdays and some Sundays. I do not drive. My DH is a nurse and also works long shifts but only days. He does drive. He is working ATM as he only got 2 weeks paternity.

My DM has returned to England and now lives 15 min drive (40 min walk) away from us.
She is basically saying she doesn't need carers.
Yet I have been going round every other weekday and weekends to cook, clean and make phone calls do admin for her etc.. She also needs support going outside anywhere.. can't open doors,can't get her wheelchair back up the curb if she falls off which she often does..
I have also had to give her 900 quid despite her having an income the same as my husbands (she's terrible with money) that 900 quid was all of my savings for a specific thing my child needs.
I'm just quite angry but she acts like this is all what anyone would do for a parent and also like it's not really that much but I'm exhausted and barely see my DH.
I'm trying to get her to accept a care act assessment but she won't and just says she doesn't need care abd doesn't want strangers interfering.
I can't just leave her as she would stop eating and washing again... she almost died when she went and tried to live alone.
It's putting a strain on my marriage now. My DH is a very kind man but he's sick and tired of being at her back and call.
I've always had a difficult relationship with her. I left home in my teens and they moved abroad in my early 20s.
But I do love her and what her to be in a safe situation.
AIBU to think she is actually expecting far too much from me and it isn't normal?

I think she doesn't want to accept the true and it is putting all the pressure on you.
I'm like you I go to hell and back for my family, up to a point. The situation you describe doesn't work, so you need to re assess it.
Slowly or all at one you need to get out up to a point you have also a balance. I don't know how you can do it if she doesn't want to see it but I wish you the best.

OP. One day your children will be relaying the stories of their childhood to their friends, family, strangers…
how do you want them to remember it? What part do you want to play in it ?
youre post partum, under the MH team, handing over money, and handing over time.
to put boundaries in place you need to pull back, say no, and learn to tolerate the fear and the obligation and the guilt that comes with this. You didn’t cause this situation but you are sleepwalking into a situation where you will be her primary care by default.

Stop being a doormat.

@Alwaysgothiccups come on OP! you know what you need to do! Tell her you are just not doing this because you have young family to care for, dont go to her house under any circumstances and she will eventually get a carer. certainly never give her any of your money when she has money of her own!!

The first thing to do is have a really frank conversation with her.

Nothing will move forward until she is on board.

Tell her how you feel.

You are obviously going through an incredibly difficult time. Have you had a look on the Elderly Parents section - there are countless people (usually women) on there experiencing exactly the same issues - it may be helpful.

I have had care issues with my parent, so I get how stressful it is. They have recently passed away and the relief is immense, however harsh that may sound.

The previous poster mentioned something that I was also told by a social worker, that when a person refuses to engage with help/agencies, you basically are waiting for some kind of accident/catastrophe to happen. They will then end up in hospital where an assessment will be carried out.

It is really, really important at this stage to be crystal clear about the level of help you are willing to give. If social workers and discharge teams think you as her daughter are going to provide care, they will discharge her without care in place.

I think everyone who has experienced similar will get what you are going through. I also think everyone has their own 'rock bottom' - maybe you haven't quite reached yours (or maybe you don't think you have reached yours - its pretty clear to everyone on here that you have).

Good luck.

A Mother who truly loves her child would not want this life for her Daughter.

You can contact social services and explain that she cannot leave the house, they'll come do an assessment. They can put into place carers, who can do her shop for her too.

OP I absolutely empathise, I know what it's like to have a narcissistic parent and struggle to see beyond the reality that they've created but I'm going to give you some tough love because I want you to be happy.

You are a parent now. That means you are responsible for breaking the generational curse and being better for your children. You cannot do this if you do not heal from the hell this woman has put you through.

Your mother is an adult who is capable of making her own choices, SS have said there is no need to intervene and she has said she doesn't need carers - well of course this is the case because despite how sick she has you, she's got under your skin so deep that no matter how poorly you get, you keep going.

Please my lovely, get some therapy and step away. You deserve more than this and so does your family. You do not owe her anything. She is the one who is creating this mess and no matter what you do it will never be enough because of her, not you. You need to stop seeing her as frail and lonely and see her as an adult who can make choices, she just knows how to manipulate you.

I know this sounds simplified and easier said than done, but you have choices and right now, despite knowing what you need to do you aren't doing it.

As your baby is only 2 months old you are still recovering from the birth. Maternity leave is not so you can tend to your selfish ungrateful mother it is so your body can heal and you can look after your helpless baby. The baby is really helpless. Your mum is just selfish.

Channel your anger and tell your mum that you are recovering from childbirth and eventually will be returning to work so she needs to access help from someone other than you. You also need your £900 back.

You don't drive so I would cut the visits to once in the week and once at the weekend. If she needs help offer to sort out carers for her. Stand your ground before this destroys your health and your marriage. If she won't eat or wash that is on her not you.

OP - you can keep wringing your hands and being a victim or you can stop being a victim. The choice is yours.
It doesn’t sound like you owe your mother anything. She sounds like an awful person who will bleed you dry if you let her. Your children and husband must be your priority.
If it was me and my mother had behaved so badly, I would notify social services by email that your relationship with your mother has broken down and you will no longer be caring for her.

You’ve done really well with the every other day rule so maybe adopt a similar approach with other things you want to tackle. As a starting point can you pick one boundary you’re going to decide to implement for the next month, such as only staying an hour on your every other day visit, or refusing to do any cleaning, and see how you get on with it.

OP I have 2 friends (a couple) who both have MS they have both found their local MS support group very helpful, perhaps you could contact one local to your Mum for advice? Do you know how long ago she was diagnosed and does she fully accept the fact this is a progressive disease. The likehood of her going into hospital in the near future due to an "episode" would be advantageous to you as she wouldn't be released without a care package in place.
I really feel for you these neurological conditions seem to change the sufferers personality usually not for the better, added to the fact she is probably having difficulty emotionally with the recent changes in her life.

However your DH and your DCs are your priority as is your health, I think you must withdraw from her a little and be firm with her, does she wear an emergency call pendant?

I can sympathise. Had very similar with my mum. Working single mum with health issues of my own but bent over backwards to try and help. I was at breaking point as she was verbally horrible to me, always tells me I don’t do anything for her and she’s alone anyway. Won’t do the assessment. One day I just broke. My teen is going through so much and I knew I would regret not being able to there for her emotionally. So I just had to stop doing what I was doing. I do what I can when I can and it’s a horrible feeling but to be honest she will tell me iv not done anything even when I have at least this way I save a piece of my sanity. She will e eventually have to give in and get help. Tell her you are unwell yourself now and unable to do what she needs (i don’t know how you have with 3 kids including a baby) tell her you can give her 2 hours a week and start looking after you, your babies need you more than she does X

What I found worse in my own life, is that my elderly mother is very independent, and will happily look after herself after falls, surgeries, everything.

However she has four sisters. And one of her sisters, my aunt, used to harass me about my mother.

She used to text me and say "why aren't you here looking after your mother you should be ashamed of yourself".

I pointed out to her that i was working full time.

I did stand up to that aunt.

There's a lot of truth in what both these posters say.

You are ruining your health, neglecting your children and destroying your marriage just to please a woman who sounds appalling- emotional abusive with narcissistic traits at the least. It sounds as if you have been brought up to feel guilty because of her emotional abuse. If she has capacity to make her decisions, let her make them and suffer the consequences- hospital, ill health, etc. Then SS should get involved. Call her or pop in for a cup of tea once a week. That is enough in the circumstances.

Sorry if someone else already said this but ring up social care and ask for a carer assessment. Tell them you cannot keep caring at this level.

This is excellent advice.

You need to stop the £900 - if she hasn’t enough income she needs to apply for benefits.

and you need to go to social services, be firm that you can’t do it as regularly as she needs and she needs to accept that she will have carers.

Get yourself some therapy to build up your confidence.

Stop doing any of it immediately!
Write down everything you do for her and how long it takes.
Get leaflets/info on what services carers can offer.
Tell her you love her but you cannot physically or mentally continue doing everything.
If you feel you/DH can offer to do something offer that (eg getting her shopping once a week), but if you cannot then don't.
Make it clear that you'll still visit and soend time enjoying each other's company, just not in a caring capacity.
Good luck.

You will destroy your marriage and damage your children if you continue like this and that is what you would be choosing. There is no other way of saying that to you. Choose your husband and children.
Tell her you will go one day a week from this point on. Any other help she needs, you will be happy to source carers.
Only you can change this OP. Stop excusing yourself putting your mother at the top of the pile. No one should come before your kids, no one.

As the child of a selfish, unloving father who only cared about people for what they could do for him, I'm going to be blunt.

Your mother will never love you the way you want her to. She will never acknowledge all your efforts to help her. She will never say 'You've been a wonderful daughter to me. Thank you.' She will wring everything she can out of you and never thank you for it, and one day she will die and you will be left feeling empty and resentful and guilty.

Or you could make every effort to get to the place I eventually reached, where my father died and I let myself acknowledge the fact that I quite simply didn't care. If anything, it was a relief to know that those occasional twinges of guilt about the 'poor, lonely old man' wouldn't come again. NB, he wasn't a poor, lonely old man. He was a perfectly content man who rather liked the sympathy he got about his distant daughter.

Some people are just complete arseholes, and when they get old and ill, they don't magically turn into poor, deserving saints, but people tend to get sentimental over them, making it very difficult for the lifelong targets of their arseholery to detach and feel good about their decisions.

For your own sake, and for the sake of your husband and children - who did not sign up for martyrdom at the altar of this unpleasant woman - you need to find a way to detach. Not doing so is actually a sort of selfishness. You want to protect yourself from the feelings of guilt and shame that you know will come, so you're throwing your family under the bus to keep those emotions at bay. Who is more deserving of you time and energy? Your mother? Or your husband and children? You know perfectly well what you need to do - you just don't want to do it. Your time/money would be better spent on some therapy to help you detach.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. I've been through it in a more distant way - no caring responsibilties, just the knee-jerk guilt to deal with - and I know it's hard. But feeling bad about something doesn't justify sacrificing everyone else around you, and your own wellbeing.

A lot of elderly people don’t like getting help, carers or social services. (Shame?). You may have yto force the issue.

My dm want adult social services until a friend mentioned how much they’d helped her. When do hit over her reluctance, she got alot of help from them.

A friend of mine was in this position. She was always at the beck and call of her DM. Eventually, her DH had enough and walked out on her, and now she only has the DC on a 50/50 basis.

You really need to carefully consider your options as the consequences could be severe!

Another thing to consider is her potential life span. She is 67 now - this could be another 10-20 years.

It is not like temporary care for someone after a surgery until they are back on their feet.

This is not a temporary situation so a temporary solution won't work. It's a long term situation and needs a long term solution.

You could continue on in this manner and miss your children's entire childhood. That's time you won't get back. And you won't even be enjoying the time with your mum as will be resenting it.

Getting proper care in will mean you can focus on your children and enjoy your time with them. And actually spend time with your mum for visit - not just doing jobs/care while there.