To think my DM expects a ridiculous amount?

[Alwaysgothiccups]

My DM has MS and can only walk a few steps.. she has an electric wheelchair.
My dad was her carer and they were living abroad but he died just over a year ago. She tried to live alone in her house there (after a stint living with me in my house which was completely unsuitable as is a terraced house) but failed and ended up in hospital for 5 weeks. She wasn't eating or washing etc..
I have 3 primary aged children, the youngest is 2mnths old. I am on maternity leave currently from my job which is permanent 12 hour night shifts in a hospital Friday,Saturdays and some Sundays. I do not drive. My DH is a nurse and also works long shifts but only days. He does drive. He is working ATM as he only got 2 weeks paternity.

My DM has returned to England and now lives 15 min drive (40 min walk) away from us.
She is basically saying she doesn't need carers.
Yet I have been going round every other weekday and weekends to cook, clean and make phone calls do admin for her etc.. She also needs support going outside anywhere.. can't open doors,can't get her wheelchair back up the curb if she falls off which she often does..
I have also had to give her 900 quid despite her having an income the same as my husbands (she's terrible with money) that 900 quid was all of my savings for a specific thing my child needs.
I'm just quite angry but she acts like this is all what anyone would do for a parent and also like it's not really that much but I'm exhausted and barely see my DH.
I'm trying to get her to accept a care act assessment but she won't and just says she doesn't need care abd doesn't want strangers interfering.
I can't just leave her as she would stop eating and washing again... she almost died when she went and tried to live alone.
It's putting a strain on my marriage now. My DH is a very kind man but he's sick and tired of being at her back and call.
I've always had a difficult relationship with her. I left home in my teens and they moved abroad in my early 20s.
But I do love her and what her to be in a safe situation.
AIBU to think she is actually expecting far too much from me and it isn't normal?

You are doing your best and are not alone.

You know that you need to change what is happening for you and everyone around you. What helped me was reminding myself that my Mum had a choice but my children do not. They rely on me for everything and aren’t able to change anything in this situation, so I have to do it for them. My Mum knows what is available to support her, so what can I offer to help but prioritise my children.
Was it hard? Yes. Have I cried with guilt and sense of duty? Yes. Does it get easier? Yes.
It becomes a sink or swim situation. So what safety things can you put in place for your own peace of mind. Mum can’t use a phone so get a personal alarm like this. https://www.gov.uk/apply-for-community-alarm
Can Mum answer the phone? Call every other day to check in but visit once or twice a week.
Give yourself a time limit for visits and stick to them no matter what.
When thing get worse at Mums call adult social care as a safeguarding concern. Be very clear that you are offering the support you can and no more.
As hard as the situation is, you need to deal with your thoughts and feelings about it, separately to what is happening. You are helping your Mum because it makes you feel better not because it’s the best thing for everyone around you and that’s a hard thing to change.

OP - in your last post you say you are not getting the responses you wanted and you want to be told it’s not you being good enough / you’re not alone.

That is true - it’s NOT your fault.

However… you continuing to enable the behaviour IS on you. I’ve been in this situation with my FIL- and seen & helped others in it too - it’s not that uncommon.

Though you think you are helping your mum, you aren’t in the long run. Unfortunately she needs to have no option but to accept that she’s living beyond her means and abilities. That means allowing her to hit rock bottom.

You giving her your savings / children’s money when she has the same / more income is NOT helping - it’s allowing her to continue to be in denial.

Of course she doesn’t need carers when YOU are doing so much for her. She knows you’ll cave and be there.

For the sake of your marriage, children and sanity, you must step back and stop enabling her - this is beyond what is acceptable in terms of support - especially when she does have other options.

At 67, this could go on for 20+ years. Something to consider.

this is difficult OP but you need to take a step back. Your mum is manipulative and anything that happens to her is her own doing, not yours. You need to remind yourself of all the shitty things she’s done and stick to your guns on this. I bet when she realises you’re serious she will sort out cleaners/carers etc. you need to put yourself and your family first - good luck X

She has capacity so she's allowed to make rubbish decisions about herself but not about you. As a PP said looking the elderly parents board and you will see people writing about their own health breakdowns where they have tried to do what you are doing. Your child and husband are suffering from her decisions as well.
In a way your mum is like an alcoholic. She is addicted to your help and unless you let her hit rock bottom nothing is going to change but it's her decisions, nothing you should feel guilty about. Why do you feel guilty about someone else's decision about how to live their life?
If it's your decision to carry on you are causing your child and husband to suffer. Who deserves your care more your mother, who has other options she could choose to take, or your child?
Honestly, it may take more than 1 crisis but you are going to wreck yourself and your relationships at this rate.

You are enabling her however she is in denial. She has lost her husband and a life in a country she was happy in. Shes grieving for both

You nees ti sit her down. Abd tell her the strain you are under and she must accept this outside help as you are unable to provide the level of care she needs abd you cannot have that extra strain of worrying about her

she really will put herself in danger unless someone steps in

That someone shouldn’t be you. It should be social services/carers. I said YANBU but YABU to put your own, your DH and your kids welfare last. Sounds very tough for your mum but you can’t keep doing what you’re doing, and she shouldn’t expect you to.

@Alwaysgothiccups Then that’s it, isn’t it?

It’s game over. Many people have said if you continue, you will become ill yourself and you ARE ill yourself. Pre-eclampsia is a terrible thing that you have gone through during pregnancy and birth, and your mental health is just as important as your physical health. Both those medications show it has taken a real battering.

You need to view things as final, OP. She refused a care assessment; that’s final. She refuses to give you POA; that’s final. These are not the actions of someone in fantasy land, but someone who wants control while still forcing you to do all the caring. You said you can get a care assessment if she ends up in hospital? Then that’s exactly what you do. You watch, you wait, and either she’ll sort things without you or you call an ambulance as soon as she needs the hospital and get the care assessment she’s refusing.

I think perhaps you’re misunderstanding the phrase, “You can’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.” It’s because you’ll burn out, and they’ll still be cold, in the exact same position they were before.

You are ill. Your children need you. Your husband needs you. Definitely do not jeopardize your family for the choices of your mother. And that’s what refusing a care assessment and refusing to give you POA are: choices. Your mother didn’t care about your pregnancy, she doesn’t care about your mental health, and she won’t care if she destroys your marriage. But you should. It’s your only life.

Do what you must to get her assessed. Make it clear you can no longer be a carer for her, and let her do what she wants with that information. As painful as it is, perhaps she would prefer to be with your father than care for herself. If so, that is her CHOICE.

Out of interest do you think your df caring responsibilities had some contribution to his death? They say sometimes the carer especially a spouse goes before the patient. My dm was my df carer for 10 years she was at deaths door and he had her run ragged my auntie was also trying to help. Df is now in a care home and my dm us recovering but unfortunately my auntie passed away 10 days before her death she was srill running around after that bugger. Sometimes its looking at the bigger picture and you need to put yourself first

I'm glad my kids have got each other... very hard being an only child. Hopefully I'll be more reasonable than my mum in old age.

I very much hope so too, but I had a similar mother, and my sibling literally never lifted a finger and completely ruined her funeral, so being an only child is a red herring here. Your mother sounds awful, and while you love her, she's not showing you that is reciprocated, yet your guilt won't allow you to recognise that she's being extremely manipulative.

You've had a lot of excellent advice on this thread, including from a lot of people who've been in a very similar position. It's worth you going back and re-reading it all so that you can make an (urgent) plan to take a big step back.

You love your mother, but you also love your husband and children, and they'll be around a lot longer than your mother so you can't allow her to spoil those relationships for you.

The price to pay for carrying on as you are may be your marriage and your relationship with your own children.

Is your mum worth that price?

Because you're getting close to choosing time whether you know it or not.

Who will you pick?

Firstly do not clean for her. She says she doesn't need a cleaner either because you are her unpaid cleaner or because she doesn't mind a dirty house.
Sort out a basic repeating online shop for her. Ring her before the cut off and ask if she needs anything adding. Tell her she needs to transfer the funds to you before you can place the order.
Find out more about the sheltered housing situation.
Find out information regarding the sale of the property abroad. Does she still have a hoard in the property? What rights do you have, if any, as a co-owner, to force a reduction in the price?
Could you tell her that spending an hour and a half walking to her and back isn't possible and get her to pay a taxi each way?
Rather than having to directly say you won't be coming to care for her any more, which I can tell is a real sticking point for you, can you present her with the issues and get her to resolve them? That way you are not saying you won't help her.
I think she needs a phone with preset numbers she can just press one button to speed dial, or something like that.
The phone thing sounds like weaponised incompetence.
Ask your dh to contribute in using his contacts and skills as a nurse to research various options and help available.
I've watched a couple of only child friends deal with a demanding aging parent recently and it's really bloody hard. I really hope you can find some solutions.

You don’t have to do anything

She is a grown adult and needs to work some things out for herself

You need to spell out now that you are not able to provide care for her and are only able to visit once a week, for a cup of tea and a catch up

Let social services know you are concerned about her welfare

Put your own family first and stop helping her now

Tell her you cannot do it any more.
Call social services and tell them she's vulnerable and needs and urgent assessment. Then let her calls go to voicemail for a while.

Or be a martyr and wreck your and your kids lives.

Sorry you are going through this.
your mum is abusing you. From what you said she’s also trying to abuse your daughter. She’s controlling you to ruin what should be a nice time for you on maternity leave. She was controlling to stonewall you during pregnancy and birth to try to upset you. She controls you to try and make you late for things she knows you need to get to.

People are giving you advice but you seem to be making excuses about why you can’t do this or that. Your kids need better than that - you are legitimately making yourself ill for someone who doesn’t care about you. You can do anything. You don’t want to. So you are choosing this chaos.

google a baby group you like the sound of and go. Every week. No mum stuff on that day. Or the night before so it’s protected.

no seeing her before a school run. No trips out if she’s infirm. She needs assessing and support - you aren’t qualified . You are being bullied and abused. Don’t set this example for your children. Please speak to a therapist about your guilt so you can find a healthy balance of what care you can provide for her without losing yourself. Your blood pressure could be life threatening. Your kids need you more than your mum.

it’s so hard. Start with one boundary and build from there. Expect kickback and drama. Don’t look at your phone during certain times so you have peace. It’s not you. It’s her. Don’t ever doubt that. But you need to be strong now and protect yourself.

OP this sounds so challenging. Without getting into too much advice-giving I would like to suggest you find yourself some counselling support or else carry on with the self-help books/podcasts - to get to the bottom of why your Mum is still able to control your life this way. Don't abandon yourself, you and your children matter more than she does.

You need to set up something like Google Dot or Alexa, connect them to her phone with her voice. That solves the mobile problem.
Then get her to agree on a cleaner a couple of times a week then help her set up a meal delivery.
Then step back.

This is going to sound very harsh OP but maybe it will cut through and I absolutely feel for you and want you to be OK.

You are just like your mother.

She's letting her emotions and feelings and fears have the run of her, such that she neglects her child and lets them be abused and not have the life they should expect. Her choices put her own feelings first, not her children's needs.

You are doing exactly the same.

Guilt is just a feeling. It's just a feeling! You don't have to act on every feeling. Think through what's best for your children and your marriage... and then get your own support to deal with how shit it makes you feel. Spend £900 on therapy. You're a mother for God's sake, who's already got mental and physical health issues. Take responsibility for your own life! It's not just your mother who needs to do that, but you too.

Your mother is not your problem, (though you can make sure she's broadly OK and can access help if she wants, or not if she doesnt).

But your feelings about her are your problem. They are causing damage to you and your family. YOU are causing damage to your family.

This. Sorry op but you are damaging your own kids, relationship & life by continuing like this.

You will not listen to anyone & know you are damaging your marriage but still you continue.

Don’t ruin your kids & husbands life’s like this.

Could you install a ring doorbell in her house that she could press to call you? Would she be open to the round the neck emergency alarms you can get?

You're nearing burnout @Alwaysgothiccups. It's time to take a step back and initiate an assessment for your Mum. The consequences for your own health and wellbeing, as well as that of your Mum, could be significant if you don't.

You have to stop feeling guilty. I went through similar with my mother, as she ended up in a chair too. She couldn't do anything outside the house independently. She didn't care about my children, just wanted me to facilitate outings etc. I found it all too much with 2 children under 5, and it made me very ill. It was causing issues in my marriage too. I sat down and decided what I would continue to do. I put my name on her account and paid her bills, and took groceries around every Sunday. I added microwave meals. I felt really guilty at first, but stopped feeling ill, spent more time with my children and husband. Give the bathroom and kitchen a quick wipe down when you're dropping off food. And run the vac around. She can dust and make her own foods. You do not have to take her anywhere. She can get ambulance transport to hospital appointments. I only took mine to the dentist and optician's, as her wheelchair wouldn't fit in my car. Which was a blessing in disguise. I actually think she enjoyed being disabled, as everyone pandered to her. By everyone I mean me and my husband, as my older siblings moved away (to focus on their own families?!).

Paying 6 months upfront is kept as a security deposit is it not?

I think the posters saying that you're exactly like your mother are totally wrong and being very harsh to you.

What I would say though, is that you're in danger of falling into your father's role - because that's the role you've been groomed for your entire life! I bet your entire family life revolved around your mother and that's probably why she doesn't see/care about her grandchildren or understand your care for them as their mother - because she and your father didn't have that for you.

It's so hard to break out of what you've been trained to feel for years (guilt, obligation, putting someone else first, how awful you are if you don't do that) but absolutely none of those feelings are anything you deserve to feel.

Have you posted about this situation before, or maybe someone else did, sounds familiar.
You want to help being the dutiful daughter even though she has been abusive to you in the past and not supportive to you.
You have a very young baby for goodness sake, also young children.
Take a step back, don't keep answering her calls, send her a vague message saying you'll see her next week sometime as you are too busy with the children. Ive had to do it recently with my own mother who's been verbally abusive, have also had a difficult relationship wirh her. Also make sure you get that money back.
Sounds harsh but if she ends up in hospital then something will have to be done and she will need to accept help. You need to do it for your mental health as well as physical. Also takes its toll on your husband and children, that's another reason I'm stepping back.

Look OP to put it bluntly everyone dies eventually, your mum is I assume of normal intelligence and is aware that professional help is available to her, she doesn’t want it because you’ll do it for free.

Stop being her skivvy, stop today. Call her and say I can’t come today and then do the same tomorrow and so on. She will either organise her own help or she will get herself into crisis and you can get social services to step in.

You say you’d feel guilty but wouldn’t you feel more guilty if you ruin your marriage and your children’s childhood for someone so selfish she doesn’t even ask about your pregnancy or baby?