To think my DM expects a ridiculous amount?

[Alwaysgothiccups]

My DM has MS and can only walk a few steps.. she has an electric wheelchair.
My dad was her carer and they were living abroad but he died just over a year ago. She tried to live alone in her house there (after a stint living with me in my house which was completely unsuitable as is a terraced house) but failed and ended up in hospital for 5 weeks. She wasn't eating or washing etc..
I have 3 primary aged children, the youngest is 2mnths old. I am on maternity leave currently from my job which is permanent 12 hour night shifts in a hospital Friday,Saturdays and some Sundays. I do not drive. My DH is a nurse and also works long shifts but only days. He does drive. He is working ATM as he only got 2 weeks paternity.

My DM has returned to England and now lives 15 min drive (40 min walk) away from us.
She is basically saying she doesn't need carers.
Yet I have been going round every other weekday and weekends to cook, clean and make phone calls do admin for her etc.. She also needs support going outside anywhere.. can't open doors,can't get her wheelchair back up the curb if she falls off which she often does..
I have also had to give her 900 quid despite her having an income the same as my husbands (she's terrible with money) that 900 quid was all of my savings for a specific thing my child needs.
I'm just quite angry but she acts like this is all what anyone would do for a parent and also like it's not really that much but I'm exhausted and barely see my DH.
I'm trying to get her to accept a care act assessment but she won't and just says she doesn't need care abd doesn't want strangers interfering.
I can't just leave her as she would stop eating and washing again... she almost died when she went and tried to live alone.
It's putting a strain on my marriage now. My DH is a very kind man but he's sick and tired of being at her back and call.
I've always had a difficult relationship with her. I left home in my teens and they moved abroad in my early 20s.
But I do love her and what her to be in a safe situation.
AIBU to think she is actually expecting far too much from me and it isn't normal?

I said that if she ended up in hospital then social services would intervene! That isn't what you said though. You seemed to think they would intervene on OPs say so even if the mother is mentally capable and told them that she was able to wash and eat. I appreciate that mental health might be a reason to intervene as well as lacking capacity but OP hasn't mentioned that the mother has any diagnosed mental health problems either.

Are you actually saying that social services force assessments and carers on physically disabled people even if mentally capable with no diagnosed mental health issues?

Not eating and washing for weeks is usually a sign of mental illness, if someone submits an adult protection concern, sw by law have to intervene and will attempt to by any means possible, if she is at risk of death and has any infirmity then yes ASP procedures allow sw to intervene

She wasn't eating or washing properly because of physical problems. The fact she doesn't want an unknown carer doesn't mean she has mental health problems. You can't diagnose someone with mental health problems because they are making what you consider a bad choice.

Regardless of whether someone is making bad choices, physically disabled people have the same rights to choose treatment as everyone else if mentally capable. You keep saying that you know better but social services have already told OP that they won't make an assessment on her say so and that her mother needs to ask for one.

Worbat is correct. You cannot 'decide' that you want SS involved with your Mum because YOU have decided she isnt doing things correctly. The capacity bar is high at present. You need to have gone through assessments to confirm capaicty. SS wont take a relatives word for it.

My DH lived in a hoarders house, you couldnt get through the front door. He never tidied up after himself, never did house work. He lived on his own and after 50 years the house was a shit tip. We got the fire brigrade in and they took one look at the house and declared it a massive fire hazard. A friend of his suggested to him that he needed carers in a few times a week but with the house in the current state they wouldnt be able to get in. He ignored friend and chucked the fire people out!

GP made an urgent referral to SS. They got back to me six months later...by this time he had moved into a care home.

You are allowed to make poor often stupid choices. Others cannot report you to ss because they dont approve of those choices.

Oh my goodness, they won’t make an assessment as she’s ok just now, I’m stating if things get really bad once she’s left on her own. I work in this day in day out, maybe Scotland is different but we don’t just allow old people to starve or neglect themselves without trying to intervene

You keep missing the point that they won't know if "things have got really bad" once she is left on her own unless she is hospitalised. They aren't going to take OPs word. She isn't an old person with dementia. She is only in her 60s and while physically disabled she is considered mentally capable. If they phone her she will say she is fine and doesn't need an assessment.

Ok great thanks for telling me how to do my job, adult protection doesn’t have an age limit, I get adult protection concerns for 16-90 year olds. If it comes in through ASP in Scotland sw have a duty to enquire within 5 working days. Anyone can submit one, phoning duty and saying I’m concerned is a different thing that won’t get sw attention. My whole case load has mental capacity and many don’t want sw involvement but under ASP we have to be involved and make sure 1 the adult is not at risk of harm, 2 the adult is able to safeguard themselves and 3 the adult has an infirmity that makes them more vulnerable to harm than others, ops mum would meet that criteria if she did not eat or take meds for weeks, are you a social worker? If not it’s really ignorant to argue with one about their role

I said she wasn't elderly because you keep saying that she is. She was in France when she was apparently not eating or drinking probably. I don't think op mentioned meds. Noone really knows what was going on, presumably there will be no uk record and maybe things have changed. I didn't say sw wouldn't "enquire". They might do but she will obviously tell them she is fine. What are you saying you would do in that circumstance?

Depending on how bad the daughter says she is I would link in with gp and ask them to do a home visit, police or ourselves would do a welfare visit, ask the community links worker to become involved, try and work alongside the client to encourage them to make safe choices, an ASP discussion would be held with all agencies to come up with a safety plan, over 65 is classed as an older adult, very rarely when it gets that bad and older people realise their family will not step in for them anymore do clients refuse some sort of support, especially when it reaches adult protection level

Harry.... Are you kidding? You seem to indicate that SW will rush in and suddenly a team of people will put their heads together and come up with a plan!

When my Father who was living in complete squalor with a house that was massively dangerous I took him to the GP. There was also a man who was trying to scam Dad and it seemed that Dad might have given his PIN number to this person. GP knew Dad well. GP said he would make an urgent referral and said to Dad that he must comply with allowing them to sort out the house, take advice etc. Dad agreed probably because I was sitting there.

Many many months later some chap from SW called me. Dad had by then moved into a care home and the house was sold. This man got very arsy when I asked why it had taken them so long bearing in mind this was marked urgent. I also enquired whether there was a higher category of urgency but he got very defensive and said it had only landed on his desk that morning (yeah right!).

So lets not pretend that SW's are ready to swing into action. By the time they get themselves together often the main issue has been resolved.

How will the OP know how bad it is if she stops visiting? If she does visit she will presumably be helping her mother wash and sort food out so it won't be that bad.

I give up, op should just stop visiting, let her mum do what she did the last time(nearly die) but not mention to anyone? I’m assuming she would know as she said that’s what happened before and would again if she stopped. If she visited and it is that bad then that is the time to put in an adult protection concern and say that she can’t continue to offer help.

Hey guys! Thanks for all the advice.
Things are actually going OK at the moment. She seems to be managing aloy better in the flat than in France now she's got the hang of things... she seems to be using buses to get about and buy food.
I have scaled back my input massively this last week. I met her once for lunch and my DH has gone round most evenings to help her left her chair back into her house, and one evening to erect a bed for her and explain how to get broadband. But this has been 30 mins per time.
We have also left the number for the care act assessment with her and advised her that they may be able to help her with things like getting a ramp for her doorstep and handles for her barh for a reduced price.. so hopefully that convinces her to ring them
We told her we can't always be available to lift her chair over her step for her whenever she goes out so she needs to sort something out for herself.
I think I was just panicking when I first wrote this thread. The people ringing us from France had us thinking she was utterly unable to cope without assistance.. but this hasn't panned out to be the case. I think not being I'm the middle of nowhere has really helped her. Her flat is all one level and opens out onto the street and there's a busstop right next to her door.. she also has a food shop postoffice and doctors only yards away from her... the only issue is her front step which she can get out of but can't seem to get her chair back in...
I do worry about the cleanliness of her flat since I stopped going over to clean it every other day, however I have advised her to get a cleaner and that's up to her now.
The only big issue is I don't think I'm ever going to see the money I leant her again and her spending does seem ridiculous (I see her with bags of clothes shopping attached to her chair.. not cheap stuff either) but again I'm stepping back from this.. thats her own road to go down.
She was telling me she doesn't feel she should have to pay her council tax bill... I don't think she has changed names on the bills in the flat.. and she was trying to get my dh to pay for her broadband! (Obv he said no) but I've given her all the sensible advise and numbers to ring etc... I'm not getting further involved in arguments with her about things like that.

Well done@Alwaysgothiccups I bet you are feeling much less stressed already.

I'm glad you've stepped back, OP.

@Alwaysgothiccups I am glad things are getting better. It sounds like she is getting more used to managing and hopefully this will continue once her flat is adapted.

Well that didn't last long!!
Went away to the seaside with my kids and husband for the weekend..
Have come back to my mum having seriously cut her legs by falling off the pavement in her chair..
She's also spent all her money and is asking me to lend her money because she has no food.

I've brought her a bit of food. I've told her I'm not lending her any more money.
I've given her the number for the care act assessment again.

She's trying to draw you in again, OP.
Don't give her money.
Keep saying no.

You need to say no. She is so used to manipulating and using people and you are the latest in line.

I'm sorry OP but eventually you are going to have to realise that continuing to support your mother whilst complaining is enabling her and continuing the generational cycle. She acts like a helpless victim and you act like a helpless child with no choice or way of changing the situation.
I know it's not an easy fix and I know this might sound harsh but going and getting her food whilst telling her you aren't giving her money might as well be the same thing. It's still letting her behave in the same way.
I really encourage you to seek therapy and work on how to unmesh yourself from your mother.

I wish I could say I was surprised, but I’d be lying if I did. You’re stuck in this endless cycle and it will continue until one of you breaks it. And it isn’t going to be your mum.

Op, she can maybe take some of her stuff back or sell it if she's skint? Or you could sell it if she can't get out.

But if you pay for her food your kids are essentially subsidising her spending.

It was to be expected

You left to do something you enjoyed so the attention was off her

Wouldn’t be surprised that she didn’t hurt herself on purpose

Why did you buy her food.

A reply should have been

Well that was a silly thing to do. Here’s the address of the local food bank or maybe you need to return some of your purchases in order to afford to live