To think my DM expects a ridiculous amount?

[Alwaysgothiccups]

My DM has MS and can only walk a few steps.. she has an electric wheelchair.
My dad was her carer and they were living abroad but he died just over a year ago. She tried to live alone in her house there (after a stint living with me in my house which was completely unsuitable as is a terraced house) but failed and ended up in hospital for 5 weeks. She wasn't eating or washing etc..
I have 3 primary aged children, the youngest is 2mnths old. I am on maternity leave currently from my job which is permanent 12 hour night shifts in a hospital Friday,Saturdays and some Sundays. I do not drive. My DH is a nurse and also works long shifts but only days. He does drive. He is working ATM as he only got 2 weeks paternity.

My DM has returned to England and now lives 15 min drive (40 min walk) away from us.
She is basically saying she doesn't need carers.
Yet I have been going round every other weekday and weekends to cook, clean and make phone calls do admin for her etc.. She also needs support going outside anywhere.. can't open doors,can't get her wheelchair back up the curb if she falls off which she often does..
I have also had to give her 900 quid despite her having an income the same as my husbands (she's terrible with money) that 900 quid was all of my savings for a specific thing my child needs.
I'm just quite angry but she acts like this is all what anyone would do for a parent and also like it's not really that much but I'm exhausted and barely see my DH.
I'm trying to get her to accept a care act assessment but she won't and just says she doesn't need care abd doesn't want strangers interfering.
I can't just leave her as she would stop eating and washing again... she almost died when she went and tried to live alone.
It's putting a strain on my marriage now. My DH is a very kind man but he's sick and tired of being at her back and call.
I've always had a difficult relationship with her. I left home in my teens and they moved abroad in my early 20s.
But I do love her and what her to be in a safe situation.
AIBU to think she is actually expecting far too much from me and it isn't normal?

Yes I've asked her but it turns out she's in debt regarding the bills on her home abroad and needs to pay that off.. which I do agree she should do

Op she is your mother not your child. You have children who are suffering because of this situation. Your duty is to your kids first. You can step back from the caring and still check in on her and call SS when she clearly isn't coping. If she lets it get to crisis point and dies that's on her not in you. How terribly nasty she would be to put you through that guilt. You don't deserve it

So if you didn’t give her the money she would have tried to live with you? Say no.
She causes problems? Hang up?
You are enabling her and allowing her to push you into caring in a way that’s damaging your own family. Start saying no. Start disengaging.

@Alwaysgothiccups she's pulling you into her way of thinking and you need to put a stop to that if you're going to deal with this and remain sane. She isn't acting in her own interests. She wants you to sort it out and doesn't give a shit about how it affects you.

So really, I am sorry to say, she doesn't actually care about the impact on you. She doesn't care. And you need to learn not to care too. Treat this like she is a stranger, you have to be unemotional and practical about this or she will drag you down with her.

The bottom line is you have a choice.

You bend over backwards for your mother, who is taking no responsibility for herself, you break, you neglect... yes.. neglect your kids and lose your marriage....

Or you get strong, stay strong and give her boundaries... one visit a week, she pays for cleaners, carers and whatever else she needs to live independently, or she has a crisis and lands up in care... which by the sound of it she will have to pay for anyway.

She can make life choices or she can have that choice taken away from her completely. You are enabling her to treat you like this, she won't change unless you do.

Prioritise your kids and your marriage... get social services involved, make it very clear you are stepping right back.

The money she owes you should come before bills on her home abroad.

I know the things she does are bad
.. bit I can't stop feeling so sorry for her and so sad. She has no one. And alot of that is to do with her yes.. but it's still deeply sad. I don't want her to die. I want her to be happy. But she is very hard to make happy..
And of course my children should come first.
It's like spinning plates tho... my children, my husband, my mother...
And my children love her.. and they were so excited she was coming back but that makes me so sad too because she doesn't really care that much about them.. particularly my daughter. She massively favours my son and that breaks my heart (tho I shelter my daughter from it and she hasn't noticed.. that will be harder as she gets older)
I don't know how anyone does it tbh.
I'm glad my kids have got each other... very hard being an only child. Hopefully I'll be more reasonable than my mum in old age.

It creates problems for me if she doesn't pay those bills. I partly own the property. I inherited it when my dad died. That has caused a lot of issues.

Absolutely agree with this. And your new baby.

It is very sad that she has no one else in her life. It's ok to feel sad for her, and for yourself, that you didn't have the mother that you deserve. You sound very kind. And it's ok to feel upset. But please don't let those feelings make your sacrifice your own life and happiness for her. Sending a hug, it's hard when there are lots of complex feelings involved.

Op, you can't set yourself on fire to keep your mother warm. And that is what you have been trying to do.

You will make yourself ill, perhaps even destroy your marriage, alienate your own children as you begin failing them.

You feel guilty about her situation because you have been trained your whole life to feel guilty, whenever you don't dance to her tune.

You cannot force someone to live in reality, and she may actually need to be hospitalised again before any other options become open. If she is unable to look after herself but chooses not to allow others in, then that is her choice.

If she dies from it, then once again it is from her choice.

If you have explained to her how difficult you are finding it all and she doesn't care then she is abusing you.

She has this way of making me feel abusive. She reacts very badly to anything that could be perceived as criticism so you end up avoiding saying anything that could be seen that way. Have to spend massive amounts of energy thinking of the right way to phrase things so that she might listen. She doesn't tend to listen unless it's what she wants to hear.
She constantly tells me and has always told me that I'm oversensitive and too anxious. I feel that I haven't properly explained that I find it too much... but actually it's more that she just wouldn't acknowledge that as real. It would just be some silly thing I said that I didn't really mean. She's like that about anything serious I say.. she will pretend I never said it or act like I'm completely crazy and shes putting up with me.
When I've tried to talk to her about money or her hoarding/spending especially.

You're already doing too much for you.

I say this as someone who is caring for a dying mother and struggling.

I can relate to this because my mother recently rejected the district nurse's offer to organise carers for her despite me (her only carer at that point) having collapsed and been admitted to hospital the week before.

Sometimes people don't want strangers, but it's unavoidable if their needs are high.

@GaryLurcher19 I'm so sorry that sounds awful. I hope you are recovering well.

Everyone has told you what to do. Stop giving excuses. Put yourself and DH and DC first. You can’t live like this. Reduce your visits. Just go twice a week for a couple of weeks then once a week to do her shopping. If as she says she doesn’t make a mess and doesn’t need a cleaner or help then she doesn’t need you doing it either.
if she gets ill then so be it; that will be the way to get her help. MS is progressive-she’s going to get worse. Force the situation now whilst you can.

If the price is low enough the property will sell.
and I doubt you can shelter your DD. Children are quite intuitive.

Oh OP, I do feel for you
You can't set yourself on fire to keep your DM warm
I feel you are going above and beyond to try and gain her approval, subconsciously at least.
You will never be able to do enough for her, she is an emotional leech draining your strength which rightly should be given to your DH and DC
You must be exhausted with a new baby
This must stop now
Sometimes you just have to throw the jigsaw up in the air and see where the pieces land
Ring adult care again and say DMs situation has deteriorated and with your new baby you can't provide help and your MH is at risk.
Please please please take a step back and disengage
You will then see how well or not she manages.. it's called learned incompetence
I know she's seriously impacted by MS of course, but she needs to help herself
She'll have to accept help before she goes into a care home

It’s about what you need.

She won't get Attendance Allowance until she has lived in this country for 2 out of the last 3 years unless she was maybe already getting it before she moved abroad.

I am, thank you.

If it helps, while I was too ill to do things for her, the district nurse put care in place anyway. Ignored my mam's protest. Rightly.

Within a couple of days she was fine with the carers coming - praising them even - and nobody would know it had ever been a problem.

Fact is, OP, it’s a hard place to be. But you do have choices here. Hard choices, but you do have agency, and you do have power to change things. I would start with small steps. Don’t go round so often. When you do, don’t stay for long. If you notice she isn’t looking after herself properly, point this out but don’t fix things for her. Don’t enter a debate. Tell her it’s her responsibility. Leave her leaflets about home helps, cleaners, sheltered accommodation etc and remind her that she is responsible for her own choices and that these have consequences.

Will she be happy? No! But it’s not your job to make her happy! Your focus needs to be on yourself, your husband and your children. Put yourself and them first, not your mother.

That's another issue... she won't lower the price.
My daughter is 5 and has limited contact with my mum.. never unsupervised. So its things like my mum only sent a Christmas card to my son.. bought my son a very expensive present that he asked for for his birthday but didn't bother to ask my daughter whst she wanted on hers just sent me a bit of money to buy something from her. And she's actually just straight up told me that she likes my son best..
But these are not things that actually impacted my daughter. For example I just bought her a Christmas card myself from my mum and again I just bought a present matching my sons and said it was from her etc etc.. so no it hasn't registered on her yet. And I will do my best to make sure it never does. It just upsets me.. I half think she just does it for that reason. I haven't engaged her about it as I get the sense thar might feed into it and make it worse

OP if she's getting PIP there's no need for her to claim Attendance Allowance.
They won't give her both.

Yeah I am under the perinatal mental health team and on zopiclone and quitiapiene. I also had preclampsia. It does make me very sad that my mum doesn't really care. She didn't speak to me throughout the entire pregnancy including the birth.. only after she ended up in hospital and needed to come back to the UK did she actually answer a call from me. She didn't once ask about the baby or the birth.

Is it you whose mum was in France, and the neighbours there kept ringing you about her?
And she is a hoarder, and was claiming benefits from your address, despite not being in the UK?

Sorry if you're a different OP but this story is really familiar.

If it IS you, you had loads of advice telling you to stop enabling her, and to let social services sort her out.