To think my DM expects a ridiculous amount?

[Alwaysgothiccups]

My DM has MS and can only walk a few steps.. she has an electric wheelchair.
My dad was her carer and they were living abroad but he died just over a year ago. She tried to live alone in her house there (after a stint living with me in my house which was completely unsuitable as is a terraced house) but failed and ended up in hospital for 5 weeks. She wasn't eating or washing etc..
I have 3 primary aged children, the youngest is 2mnths old. I am on maternity leave currently from my job which is permanent 12 hour night shifts in a hospital Friday,Saturdays and some Sundays. I do not drive. My DH is a nurse and also works long shifts but only days. He does drive. He is working ATM as he only got 2 weeks paternity.

My DM has returned to England and now lives 15 min drive (40 min walk) away from us.
She is basically saying she doesn't need carers.
Yet I have been going round every other weekday and weekends to cook, clean and make phone calls do admin for her etc.. She also needs support going outside anywhere.. can't open doors,can't get her wheelchair back up the curb if she falls off which she often does..
I have also had to give her 900 quid despite her having an income the same as my husbands (she's terrible with money) that 900 quid was all of my savings for a specific thing my child needs.
I'm just quite angry but she acts like this is all what anyone would do for a parent and also like it's not really that much but I'm exhausted and barely see my DH.
I'm trying to get her to accept a care act assessment but she won't and just says she doesn't need care abd doesn't want strangers interfering.
I can't just leave her as she would stop eating and washing again... she almost died when she went and tried to live alone.
It's putting a strain on my marriage now. My DH is a very kind man but he's sick and tired of being at her back and call.
I've always had a difficult relationship with her. I left home in my teens and they moved abroad in my early 20s.
But I do love her and what her to be in a safe situation.
AIBU to think she is actually expecting far too much from me and it isn't normal?

I actually think it's your behavior that's bizarre OP. You don't have to do any of this.

My mum has fallen and broken her arm three times in the last three years. I didn't take care of her during any of it. Because I had to work. She went in and got respite care after surgery. Then she recovered the rest of the time in her house alone. Some of her friends brought her round shopping and I showed her how to do online shopping. But that was all I did for her.

I certainly wouldn't be at her beck and call. What has made you think that you have to?

I’ve been through something similar. Without wanting to be too blunt, what is her long term outlook? Does she have other health problems, how old is she, could she feasibly live like this for a number of years?

Personally I would give her 2-3 options, of which the status quo is NOT one. Tell her that can’t continue, but let her choose what might work for her.

You’ll need to do some research to work out what you need to know and where you want to see her… but it’s basically a case of…

1. this can’t continue
2. you have options a or b or c
3. my job is to help you pick which is best for you
4. make it happen and she can start being a mum and GM again… which is usually what ppl want more than anything in later life

A kind friend once said to me, in similar situation with a demanding mother, "Just stop. You're working yourself into the ground, and it will never be enough for her. Back off and care for your own family, and for yourself." It really helped me, and I'm passing it on to you.

Your mum is being quite demanding and inconsiderate of your time and family. Unfortunately, it will be down to you to establish your boundaries and you may have a fight on your hands.

I can understand not wanting carers. It would signal a loss of independence and vulnerability to me. Would she be open to a cleaner and other household help?

She is making her choices and getting what she wants. She is choosing and making you dance.

Any chance she is one of those narcissistic mothers and that’s why you moved away from her years ago?

I would recommend a book called ‘you are not the problem’ it’s by Helen Villiers and Katie Mc Kenna, (they also have a podcast) please have a look at this and see if you mother ticks all the boxes here because if she does, you need to read all of this book urgently (like tonight) and get yourself unbrainwashed FAST before this woman ruins your children’s childhoods too.

Don’t worry what other people think about you ‘neglecting her’ they don’t know what it’s like to put up with her. And also, nobody thinks that, anyone with experience of difficult elderly parents will understand completely.

Please get the book x x

She had to pay 6 months upfront or else no one would rent to her as she had been out of the country. She was 900 short of what they wanted.
She did have time to save though.. but she just didn't save enough
As I said she is very bad with money.

The thing is she doesn't have much interest at all in being a mum or a gran.
Her outlook on the future is absolutely not in touch with reality either.. she was talking about living in a van and getting a dog last time I was there... she has already had animals removed from her care due to her not coping with them..
She lives in a fantasy land so it's very hard to try and reason with her

Yes I've been trying to work on the cleaner angle but she just says 'I don't make much mess there's no need'

stop Trying to please this woman. Call SS and detach.

I have started listening to that as a friend recommended it to me!
Yes she does have strong narcissistic traits.. she lacks empathy and is very self centred.
Part of it is also that she has been looked after by my dad completely for 20+ years so just assumes someone will always take care of her and has no understanding of reality or what taking care of her actually costs anyone.
My dad was a good man but I think he has massively shielded her from any consequences to anything.

Well that’s convenient for her isn’t it?

What do you get to be bad with? Nothing, by the sounds of it. But she is bad with money, bad with phones, bad with eating, bad with self-care. And she knows you’ll run round after her to sort her out so she has no incentive to improve.

You poor woman. I am middle aged and currently healthy but I have MS and I worry that my kids will be burdened by me later. I will take whatever professional carers I can get to avoid my kids having to do it.
Why is your mother not worried about you, and your health? It is not right, what she is expecting from you. I am angry on your behalf.
I can feel the guilt and worry in your posts and I know it's not as easy as just stopping. She has a hold on you. I hope you find a way to do what is right for you. But just know, however unwell she is, she is letting you down in this situation.

Unfortunately I have tried and it needs her participation... or else things have to reach some kind of crisis like she goes into hospital or is in serious danger.. then they step in
But they won't step in now without her consent. She needs a care act assessment which she needs to ask for I'm told.

Right then. You know what you have to do. I’m not saying it’s easy but this woman will destroy you and your family.

None of what you posted is the problem. Get out now. Save yourself.

She is blackmailing you with deliberate self-neglect if you won't dance to her tune. That is a really nasty thing to do. If she harms herself like this it is 100% her choice and NOT your responsibility. You are not her psychiatrist so you can't help her. But you are a mother, wife, and an individual with her own needs. Your responsibility (like hers) is ultimately to yourself.

Ah ok thanks for explaining. But her money management issues are not your fault. It's not your responsibility please know that.

For context, my parents are in their late 70s and 80+, and they would be mortified if I had to run around after them. They are lucky to have resources to pay for support, but fundamentally they believe that they are responsible for themselves as adults until age means they are less capable.

Would she be eligible for sheltered housing? My friends parents did and they lived abroad, especially as your mum is disabled. Contact the local council. She can get a cleaner, that would be a start. Is she under a neurologist at the hospital, hopefully a MS specialist? If so there will be a MS nurse specialist too. They could speak to your mum and potentially arrange 6 weeks emergency care free. The care may be available if your mum's at risk of getting hospitalised. Which could happen if you can't do it anymore. It's certainly worth a try. The nurse specialist can be a useful ally. MS can affect cognitive ability so that may be playing a part. Have you got power of attorney? You need to discuss with your mum if not. I would talk to your mum frankly pointing out that if she doesn't get the support systems in place she may well end up in a home.

The problem is she really might die.. and I couldn't live with the guilt. I have been no contact with her at points in my life... but now she is frail and I'm all she has. And I love her even if I know she's a bad person. I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't know I'd at least tried to do the right thing by her.
Of course it's very hard to have appropriate boundaries when you've been raised to centre someone else and feel shame if you don't.
I think I'd find it easier to distance myself if I knew she was in a safe position but currently she isn't. She can't even work her phone to call for help.

@Alwaysgothiccups please have a read of this.

https://www.calm.com/blog/how-to-stop-feeling-guilty

This isn't just about you and your DM, you have DC who need you and this situation is taking your time and energy away from them and it's not fair. Your DM just needs to accept carers full stop

Then she is in a great situation of not having any rent to pay at all for 6mths. Have you asked her to use those rent free months to refute your money?

it is hard. My own mother spend my first 10yr of my childhood cooking, cleaning, doing everything for her mother. That was my childhood. She never had any energy to take us to a park, swimming etc. her sibling did nothing, yet the will was left 50:50.

You are posting as if she is a normal person and you therefore should help her. But this isn’t the case. Her behaviour is abnormal.

Either you ruin your and spoil your children’s lives by being her full time carer or you step back, let an ‘emergency’(in brackets as it isn’t a real emergency it is her deliberate behaviour) happen and anonymously report her to police or SS so that they take over.

We had similar with my MIL. She also had MS and she was refusing carers even when she became paraplegic. It was awful. FIL had to take a very harsh stance and give her no option. It wasn't pretty but it worked out. She became very close to one of the carers, absolutely loved her!

Call social service tell them you can’t care for her and she is deluded if she things you will be. I would cut all care completely and tell her either she accepts the help or she will die. Harsh words but you need to stop this now. Babies come first.

She won't agree to me having POA I have tried to speak to her about that.
I thought of the sheltered housing and rang the council but they couldn't give me clear info. She does own property abroad (I don't want to go into details about this as it would be outing but its for sale but unlikely to actually ever sell) and the council did not know what impact that would have.
However I still think it's a good idea to try and bid on these.. there's a sheltered place near us.. she did seem to consider this idea so it's one I'm going to keep on with.

She has been saying things like she wants to live with me by me selling my house and her selling hers and buying together (which is something I suggested when my dad first died before I became pregnant, but she absolutely trampled on the idea at that time....and since then I have had a baby and changed jobs and there'd be no way I could do that now... even if I wanted to)
She has even been saying she wants to return abroad.
She just doesn't live in reality. It's really sad because due to terrible decisions she's made she's just hemorrhaged money and worsened her own health.. and at this point she's not even acting in her own interests... like she's been so selfish that it's gone full circle and actually damaged her.