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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask 23 year old to give his bedroom to step son?

244 replies

whitebutterfly3 · 13/05/2024 16:43

I have 2 dc with dh 10(boy) and 12(girl) and he has a son from a previous relationship (23) who always lived with his mum but we have always taken him out at the weekend.
His mum has a 2 bed house which he had a bedroom at and then she had a daughter with her current partner who slept in their room until dss moved out and rented with a partner, then they moved their dd into his old room, by this time she was 7.
The relationship didn't work out and was over in about 18 months but when he split from his girlfriend neither could afford to stay in the flat so dss asked if he could stay with us as his mum had given his old room to his sister now.

We agreed thinking it would be temporary but we didn't have a bedroom for him so put our ds and dd in together for the time being freeing the small room for dss.
Now dd is getting older and going through puberty she's resenting sharing with her brother, he also has SEN and they are constantly bickering and she clearly needs her own room as they don't get on at all.
dss has been back just over a year and is working so could afford to move out, dh thinks it's not fair as it's his room and not his fault the younger ones fight.
He also hasn't had the opportunity to live with his son before as his relationship with his mum broke shortly after Dss was born so is enjoying having him around.
I don't have any issues with Dss I have known him since he was small and love him to bits but I don't think there's room for him here and it's not working for me or our children.

OP posts:
PorridgeEater · 14/05/2024 23:08

Mockingjay123 · 13/05/2024 16:47

The two lads share and your daughter gets her own room.

This seems best

WhistPie · 14/05/2024 23:13

StormingNorman · 14/05/2024 22:48

crumbpet · Today 16:44

This. Until DH sorts it and either buys you a bigger house or chucks him out

Unfortunately, the thread has taken that turn. An adult child is still his father’s child and doesn’t deserve to be made homeless.

Edited
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Perhaps I should have insisted my mother should take me in when I needed somewhere to live - after all, I was still her child 🤷‍♀️

StormingNorman · 14/05/2024 23:33

WhistPie · 14/05/2024 23:13

Perhaps I should have insisted my mother should take me in when I needed somewhere to live - after all, I was still her child 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

I feel bad for you she didn’t. If you RTFT you’ll see that most parent do take care of their adult children and consider 23 to be quite young to move out in the middle of a cost of living crisis.

JustAnotherManicMomday · 14/05/2024 23:39

I would say he doesn't need to move out but he does need to share with his half brother as it's more appropriate than mixed sex children sharing at this age.

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 14/05/2024 23:44

Oh come on. Some of you are being really dramatic.

When people say "chuck him out" they're using that as shorthand for "have a conversation about moving out, offer to help him find somewhere suitable, maybe offer him a small incentive". They're not talking about putting him out on the street Hmm

WhistPie · 14/05/2024 23:49

StormingNorman · 14/05/2024 23:33

I feel bad for you she didn’t. If you RTFT you’ll see that most parent do take care of their adult children and consider 23 to be quite young to move out in the middle of a cost of living crisis.

Show quote history

Well she would have had to move out of her over 55s housing so that I could move in with her but yes, how inconsiderate of her not looking after her child.

And yes, I have already RTFT but thanks for the suggestion.

IHateLegDay · 15/05/2024 00:01

How about a sofabed in the living room and put his stuff is DS's room?

Poodleydoodley · 15/05/2024 00:04

Can the parents sleep in the lounge? Obviously the 23 yo would have to vacate the lounge when parents go to bed but he’d have his own room so not an issue.

StormingNorman · 15/05/2024 00:08

WhistPie · 14/05/2024 23:49

Well she would have had to move out of her over 55s housing so that I could move in with her but yes, how inconsiderate of her not looking after her child.

And yes, I have already RTFT but thanks for the suggestion.

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Not inconsiderate at all. Would have been ridiculous of you to ask your mum to give up her home so you could be homeless together. Quite the drip feed dear.

WhistPie · 15/05/2024 00:48

StormingNorman · 15/05/2024 00:08

Not inconsiderate at all. Would have been ridiculous of you to ask your mum to give up her home so you could be homeless together. Quite the drip feed dear.

Show quote history

But I was her child!

beAsensible1 · 15/05/2024 00:53

the rental market is so so brutal at the moment. Depending on where you are it can get to £1k plus for a room.

I feel bad for DSS neither of his parents have room for him. :(. The reality is unless you’re well off or in a well paying job straight out of uni most people are back home until mid to late 20s.

could you support him with a deposit for a room or he makes up the dining room for a few months with a view to leave end of summer.

StormingNorman · 15/05/2024 00:56

WhistPie · 15/05/2024 00:48

But I was her child!

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Oh stop. If you can’t see the spuriousness of your argument I can’t help you. The mental gymnastics to demonise the DSS are impressive.

Let’s stop detailing the thread now. There’s plenty of helpful advice coming through ✌️

WhistPie · 15/05/2024 08:02

StormingNorman · 15/05/2024 00:56

Oh stop. If you can’t see the spuriousness of your argument I can’t help you. The mental gymnastics to demonise the DSS are impressive.

Let’s stop detailing the thread now. There’s plenty of helpful advice coming through ✌️

Show quote history

I was 22 at the time, younger than the DSS. Mother had downsized and there was nowhere for me to live with her. And that's a spurious argument?

I actually moved into, yes, a houseshare. I didn't get a flat to myself because guess what? I couldn't afford it.

Which is what the DSS should consider doing.

Naunet · 15/05/2024 09:22

It’s completely unacceptable to have your 12 year old sharing with her brother, she’ll be starting her periods soon if she hasn’t already, her body will be changing, and your selfish husband expects her to navigate all of that whilst sharing a room with a boy? Why does he think that’s appropriate?

Thursdaygirl · 15/05/2024 10:01

Naunet · 15/05/2024 09:22

It’s completely unacceptable to have your 12 year old sharing with her brother, she’ll be starting her periods soon if she hasn’t already, her body will be changing, and your selfish husband expects her to navigate all of that whilst sharing a room with a boy? Why does he think that’s appropriate?

The OP's husband is pretending to ignore his daughter's situation because he wants to keep his 'first family' child happy. A common dynamic in step families.

Problemzapper · 15/05/2024 10:07

whitebutterfly3 · 13/05/2024 17:05

Ds and dss sharing isn't an option as dss is a grown man and ds is very young for his age and dss is up until late and the games he plays and films he watches are inappropriate.

whitebutterfly3 · 13/05/2024 17:05
Ds and dss sharing isn't an option as dss is a grown man and ds is very young for his age and dss is up until late and the games he plays and films he watches are inappropriate.

Your daughter really needs her own bedroom now. I would move dss in with your ds and ask him to restrict playing these games/watching these adult films (using headphones) to some other quite corner of the house (kitchen maybe, if you haven't got another reception room?) and only use the bedroom for sleeping in, trying not to wake your young ds when he eventually goes to bed. I am sure he would not be too happy about that, but if you stress the need for your daughter to have her own room at this age (I think it is by law, I'm not sure) hopefully he will see the logic in it and agree to switch rooms. If he gets annoyed about it you can THEN offer to help him find affordable alternative accomodation if he prefers - but don't suggest that unless and until he complains, or he might think you are deliberately trying to push him out of the house, and become resentful.

ASongOfRiceAndPeas · 15/05/2024 10:47

When I moved back into my parents I slept on the sofa bed in the living room with the understanding that during that day it should resemble a living room. I kept it clean and tidy and was working full time so not an issue.

StormingNorman · 15/05/2024 12:31

WhistPie · 15/05/2024 08:02

I was 22 at the time, younger than the DSS. Mother had downsized and there was nowhere for me to live with her. And that's a spurious argument?

I actually moved into, yes, a houseshare. I didn't get a flat to myself because guess what? I couldn't afford it.

Which is what the DSS should consider doing.

Show quote history

Then unless there were pressing financial considerations, your mum was unkind. That doesn’t mean you need to be unkind to other adult children in the same situation.

JoleneTookHerMan · 15/05/2024 12:42

Blueeyes13 · 13/05/2024 16:47

12 year old girl needs her own room. I'm sure it's recommended to separate children of different sexes by age 10. Either stepson will have to share with 10 year old boy (not great) or move out.

This.

She needs her own room now and shouldn't be sharing with her male siblings. She has the right to privacy.

WoshPank · 15/05/2024 13:32

Allow DSS to continue living at home, but DD gets the bedroom and he needs to share with his brother.

The only reason given why he can't share is his liking for particular games and videos. Tough shit. He's just going to have to not play them in the bedroom. They will have to be played in another area of the house with headphones, or outside the home. He can continue being accommodated by his parent, and if that's a deal breaker it's his choice.

Not a perfect solution, but the best one available when no other accommodation options are affordable on either side.

Grammarnut · 15/05/2024 14:03

Why didn't they get a bigger house, extend, years ago? They have had 3 DCs since DS was born ten years ago. This DSS seems to have been shoved from pillar to post by both his DPs.

WoshPank · 15/05/2024 14:13

As DH has a 10 year old and DSS mum has an 8 or 9 year old, they must have conceived these DC in 2012-13 and 2013-15 respectively. The rental market wasn't amazing then, but it also wasn't anywhere near as bad as it is now. I can see how someone then might not have expected that a 23 year old would find even a house share unaffordable in a decade or so.

OP and DH in particular did have an arrangement where DSS could be accommodated for several years into adulthood. Maybe they thought that was sufficient buffer.

greeneyeblue · 15/05/2024 14:23

I know a blended family with 2 girls in one room with about a year between them and an adult son in a smaller room, I don't know his exact age but I'd say early/mid 20s and they have a new born (boy) together who is going to go in with the adult dc once he outgrows his cot in their room.

Thursdaygirl · 15/05/2024 15:57

Yesterday someone pointed out, quite rightly, that DSS's mother could also be part of the solution - but that seems to have gone quiet today?

StormingNorman · 15/05/2024 18:26

Thursdaygirl · 15/05/2024 15:57

Yesterday someone pointed out, quite rightly, that DSS's mother could also be part of the solution - but that seems to have gone quiet today?

DSS and DH seem to want to live together for now so I’m not sure what mum can do to resolve this.

Sounds like both parents had more kids than they could comfortably house but it is what it is now and OP just needs a sensible solution. The brothers sharing seems the most straightforward.