To ask 23 year old to give his bedroom to step son?

[whitebutterfly3]

I have 2 dc with dh 10(boy) and 12(girl) and he has a son from a previous relationship (23) who always lived with his mum but we have always taken him out at the weekend.
His mum has a 2 bed house which he had a bedroom at and then she had a daughter with her current partner who slept in their room until dss moved out and rented with a partner, then they moved their dd into his old room, by this time she was 7.
The relationship didn't work out and was over in about 18 months but when he split from his girlfriend neither could afford to stay in the flat so dss asked if he could stay with us as his mum had given his old room to his sister now.

We agreed thinking it would be temporary but we didn't have a bedroom for him so put our ds and dd in together for the time being freeing the small room for dss.
Now dd is getting older and going through puberty she's resenting sharing with her brother, he also has SEN and they are constantly bickering and she clearly needs her own room as they don't get on at all.
dss has been back just over a year and is working so could afford to move out, dh thinks it's not fair as it's his room and not his fault the younger ones fight.
He also hasn't had the opportunity to live with his son before as his relationship with his mum broke shortly after Dss was born so is enjoying having him around.
I don't have any issues with Dss I have known him since he was small and love him to bits but I don't think there's room for him here and it's not working for me or our children.

@Grammarnut or maybe the DSS’s mother could move to a bigger house, or get an extension built?

Its true that different areas of the country have different prices and availability, but I do find the absolute refusal, where posters are aghast, to consider that an adult offspring move out into a bedsit/houseshare/room rental part of the overall infantilisation of our society. It does no one any favours

This is a grown arsed fully grown man of 23 we're talking about and yet people are horrified that he move out and make a home for himself on his own. It wont be some chichi flat, no, it will be a room above a chippy or something but its part of growing up, independence, making your way, flying the nest. People are entering their 30s as if they're only just turned fully grown adults these days.

Not helpful to them or the wider community.

This

Yes, that is also a good idea. But OP said that her DH enjoyed having his DS around.

You can have your son around you but not necessarily live togther

And unfortunately, no ones fault, the house isnt big enough to accommodate him. He came back temporarily, he now needs to leave.

Time to move ds into the bigger room with dss.

It's appropriate to split the children down the lines of gender and not who gave birth to who. Leave daughter on her own in smallest room.

dss at age 23 is old enough to realise the current sleeping arrangements have to change.

dss probably won't like it. He probably will look at options to move out.

But just keep it amicable.

Your husband then by your responses is being unreasonable. He is putting the care of his first son over the care of his daughter. If you dss was prepared in the past to cut ties i.e. by living elsewhere from both parents then he is quite capable of doing this again i.e. rent a room somewhere else. Look at what options there are for both parents to fund maybe partially having a one bed somewhere and he contributes the rest himself if he refuses to just rent a room on a shared house / apartment.

if he wants to sit up late watching films, gaming then could he not do that I'm the living room and just share the room with 10 Yr old to sleep. Also. 23 Yr olds don't get to have their cake and eat it. Your house, your rules, so he doesn't get to watch inappropriate films/game until all hrs etc. No wonder he doesn't want to leave if he's being treated like a dependent child rather than an independent adult.

DSS to share with DS. The current arrangement shouldn’t continue. If he wants to do exactly want he wants then he needs to pay for it e.g. staying up late watching 18 certificate films etc. Living with others require compromise, he would have to compromise to a degree if he lived with flat mates or a partner. I do wonder how long bedrooms need to be provided for these days for children. 30? 35?!

Agreed. He shares a room with sibling and has to leave the room at bedtime.

Quite violent language? What’s the OP’s DSS ever done to upset you!?!

There’s a tangible change in tone now the second wives club have turned up.

It’s all getting pretty nasty and aggressive.

There’s a tangible change in tone now the second wives club have turned up.

It’s all getting pretty nasty and aggressive.

No it’s not - just awareness that the DSS has two parents, and I’m not sure why his mother seems to be spared any responsibility?

Would it be possible to convert the attic or a garage ? For your Ss. obviously it is going to cost but it would be cheaper than moving, you might get away with boarding the floor and insulating and a sturdy loft ladder as a temporary measure, don't make it too comfy, he won't want to leave. 😂

Poor 23 year old, I know dd needs her space but basically his mum won’t have him now his dads house don’t want him
23 is young to have to completely support yourself financially in a flat, it’s not the 1980, times have changed

Have a sofa bed in the lounge then he can sleep there. My dh had to do this for a few years when he was in his late teens after his two older siblings both had their partners move in! He loved it, having sole control of the tv into the small hours! Your DD needs her own room.

DSS and DS should be sharing it is inappropriate for DS and DD to share. DSS will need to change how he behaves in his room I.e. programmes watched/games played and if he is not happy with that then he needs to find alternative arrangements.

There has been that awareness. Just without the aggressive language, mum-bashing and spurious remarks. It has been quite solution focussed and sensitive.

Now we have “chuck him out’ etc. honestly, who talks about chucking a child out the house with nowhere to go.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that one of the children should be thrown out are they? Just an adult who has previously lived independently.

While it’s you and your children impacted, nothing will change.

Solution is you and DD share main bedroom, DH and DSS in bunk beds, DS gets the smallest room.

Is the largest bedroom big enough to split into 2, or 2 adjoining bedrooms into 3?

Do you have a garage that can be converted? I think garage conversions are significantly cheaper than loft conversions, usually.

Does the living room open to the kitchen diner, could you split the living room to make a small bedroom and incorporate the rest into the kitchen diner to make a living/kitchen/diner?

crumbpet · Today 16:44

This. Until DH sorts it and either buys you a bigger house or chucks him out

Unfortunately, the thread has taken that turn. An adult child is still his father’s child and doesn’t deserve to be made homeless.

This is about one family not two. Your prejudices are showing dear.